


boys don't cry

by harazaki (HopelessMasquerade)



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Ableism, Alternate Universe - Orange, Autistic Character, Bullying, Dating, Dropped Fic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Major Depressive Disorder, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption, Slow To Update, Slurs, Social Anxiety Disorder, Training Camp, Trans Male Character, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-07-24 05:26:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7495611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopelessMasquerade/pseuds/harazaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Save Hara. That's all I want you to do."</p><p>At the start of his third year, Yamazaki is sent a peculiar, yet intriguing letter. He ignores it at first, only to find out he's been given a crucial task: saving one of his teammates from his upcoming death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. don't make the same mistake i did

**Author's Note:**

> This is how I cope after having finished the manga itself.
> 
> Heavy spoilers if you haven't read Orange. Seriously. There will be cameos of future!Kiridaii at some point, just like in the original manga.
> 
> I chose to write this AU instead of the "quirk AU" -which actually has nothing to do with BNHA- because this AU is "easier" than the other one, and because I really wanted to write a HaraZaki fic.

**April 11th.**

"Hey, Hiroshi, wake up! You're gonna be late, slugabed!"

The redhead's forest-green eyes slowly opened upon his sister's words, struggling to wake up. Knowing that he would be starting his last year of high school on that very day made it harder for Yamazaki to get out of bed. That time, luckily, he didn't have to bear with his older brother's grating yells.

As Yamazaki rose from his bed, he wearily gazed at his older sister, still on her pajamas, holding some sort of letter. Her wicked grin reminded Yamazaki of Hanamiya's smirks, waking him up almost immediately, followed by a gasp. Yamazaki almost fell from the bed, his eyes quickly gazing at his poorly organised room before he looked back at the woman in front of him. His sister cackled before his reaction, rising the letter so he couldn't reach it.

"Remember that you're a third year now, kiddo."

"...And you're one to talk, sis," Yamazaki scowled, having failed his comeback, pouting as he picked up a shirt from the floor.

"Dad's already left for work, and mum and Mikoto are pretty much done with breakfast. So, you better get ready, slacker," her grin widened for a second, finally handing over the letter to Yamazaki. "It's from one of your childhood friends, or at least, that's what it says there."

Yamazaki stared, mildly intrigued, at the piece of paper in front of him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd spoken with one of his childhood friends. Perhaps ten years ago, or even twelve. He doubted whether any of them could remember him.

He silently grabbed the letter. It looked way suspicious. Yamazaki himself couldn't even recall any of his closest childhood friends. So, why would any of them send him a letter, all of the sudden? Even him, who often fell for silly pranks and had often believed Hanamiya's lies, couldn't help but wonder. His eyes twitched as he opened the letter, picking up a bunch of papers, unaware that time flowed faster than he thought.

The letter's first words almost made him chuckle. However, Yamazaki could perfectly recognize that handwriting.

_Alright, I'm not one of your childhood friends. I did that because that way, you would totally read this thing._

It was his own handwriting.

Now, Yamazaki truly thought that it was some kind of joke coming from his older sister, Hara, or simply someone who'd written the wrong adress. But it was undeniable: that handwriting was his. Nobody's writing was as sloppy and shaky as his.

_You're probably not going to believe me, but I'm yourself from ten years in the future. Sounds like bullshit, right? Like the kind of shit Hara would do to get your attention. It's stupid, but it's really important that you read this. Because it has to do with Hara._

'10 years in the future.'

Like the letter stated before, it had sounded like bullshit to him. But Yamazaki couldn't take his eyes off it for some reason. Sure, it seemed more like a joke than anything, but there was something about that letter which had completely captivated the redhead.

Before he could keep reading, however, his mother knocked at the room's door. Yamazaki freaked out for a second, noticing almost immediately that he hadn't even finished buttoning his shirt. He dropped the letter, reaching for the black trousers which he'd also left on the floor.

He tried to dress up as quickly as possible, attempting to pack up at the same time, resulting in failure and him taking up more time than he actually needed. Yamazaki couldn't believe himself at all: the very start of his third year of high school already was terrible. All because of a letter which he hadn't been expecting at all, and which Yamazaki now thought was a waste of time.

It didn't stop him from taking the damn letter to school, though.

···

Physics. Yamazaki already exceeded in said subject, just like he did with Biology, so he didn't have anything to worry about. Except for the letter, of course. He'd decided to give it a quick read during class, hoping that the teacher wouldn't notice.

_It's stupid, but it's really important that you read this. Because it has to do with Hara._

For Yamazaki, Hara's only issues were him being unable to attend any concerts, running out of gum, and some minor breakdowns and episodes. None of that had stopped him from worrying about Hara, though, as that day, he looked more depressed than ever. Hara had been staring at the window throughout the whole lesson, not writing anything down, his chin resting on his hand as if he was bored, or even tired.

It slightly reminded Yamazaki of those manga in which the main character would always sit by the window, staring at it almost every day. Except that it was no manga. It was his life, and he'd gotten a letter earlier hinting that something would happen to Hara at some point. Yamazaki also wasn't Hara's babysitter, nor one of his brothers, but they were close friends -or, rather, his boyfriend. Of course he worried about him, but up to a point.

He adjusted his back to the small, light-green seat, grabbing the letter from under his desk, as the teacher began talking about black holes and astrophysics. Before proceeding to read, though, Yamazaki turned to Hara once again. The purple-haired teen looked as distracted as always, seemingly not writing anything down. Rather than relieved, it concerned him. Hara was such a cheerful person that Yamazaki had never considered the fact that, maybe, there might be something going on with him.

Yamazaki brought the letter closer to his face, trying to focus on it. After all, it had never hurt to read.

_So, throughout this third and last year of school, lots of things are going to happen. I'm gonna write the important ones here, so you can follow them. And, it's important that you follow them. I have lots of regrets from the past and it would suck if you had regrets too. It's kind of like those games with moral choices, except that, if you fuck up once, you're gonna fuck up for good._

It was undeniable. Yamazaki's writing, and how he expressed himself. That letter had soon stopped being a joke to him. Yamazaki's gaze progressively froze as he kept reading, his eyes registering each one of the words as his trembling fingers held the paper.

Hara kept looking at the window, ignoring the lesson. Surprisingly, nobody had called out any of them before.

_April 11th, you start your third year. You spent the whole last night watching speedruns, so Naru has to wake you up. You barely made it to Maths._

_Hara will spend the three first lessons -Maths, Physics and Japanese History- looking at the window. He won't write anything down, and he'll later ask Furuhashi for his notes._

One of Yamazaki's eyes twitched as he, shocked, stared at the piece of paper in front of him. It must've been a coincidence, he thought. But the sloppy handwriting and the way it had been written were no lie: it really was a letter from the future. A future which Yamazaki thought would be nothing but him playing old videogames, working at combinis for a poor salary, and occasionally hanging out with Hara.

As much as he wanted to withdraw his gaze, he couldn't. Yamazaki felt more and more curious, yet afraid, as he kept reading. He shrugged, lightly crumpling the sheet as he kept reading.

_During break, Hara will ask you to share your meal with him, because he forgot to bring any money. Hanamiya won't do anything because, well, he's Hanamiya. By then, you may have noticed that Hara's kind of depressed. Well, he'll barely talk during lunch, unlike most of the time._

_I want- no, I urge you to talk to him. And, maybe, have the other guys talk too. You'll need to cheer him up as much as possible._

···

At break, the same events which had been written on Yamazaki's letter took place, in that very same order.

Prior to entering the canteen, Hara asked Furuhashi for his notes, to which Furuhashi, surprisingly, accepted, when he usually would've declined Hara's request. Hara was also a third year, after all, and none of them would let him fail so easily; not even Hanamiya.

Rather than amazed, Yamazaki found himself frightened. Not because of his future self's memory, but because of the accuracy of those events. He felt like he'd made a mistake by reading that letter, knowing that if he hadn't -that if he'd just ignored it, he wouldn't be that anxious. Instead, Yamazaki would've behaved as usual, yelling at Hara and asking his classmates for homework.

Yamazaki suddenly wished that he'd never gotten that letter. He didn't really care about his future self's regrets; and, if something bad were to happen to Hara, he and the team would surely be there for him. Even so, Yamazaki found it difficult to just ignore the letter.

Hanamiya had been the first one to notice his uneasiness.

"Something wrong?" he asked, leaving his bentou on the table as he sat next to Yamazaki.

"Um, not really. Just that, well-" Yamazaki mumbled, picking one of his octopus sausages. "Hara's been kind of blue today."

"He's obviously anxious because it's his last year of school," Hanamiya laughed, tying his hair on a small ponytail before eating. "Also, that guy's always distracted."

"But he's been way too distracted today. I-I mean, he literally did nothing but stare at the window. He didn't write anything down. I don't know about you, but I'm fucking worried."

"If Kazuya's really been moody like you're saying, I would suggest you to not ask him anything."

Before Yamazaki could say anything, he forced himself to stop. For once, he had to agree with Hanamiya: Hara wasn't the kind of person to talk about his problems, particularly towards people close to him. Even Yamazaki, who Hara had been dating for three months now, didn't know anything concerning the boy's hidden side, because he'd never bothered to ask.

And because he'd never intended to make Hara feel insecure in any way. Until that day, that is.

"Well, Hara won't say anything anyway, so..."

As Yamazaki spoke, Hara sat in front of him. It was hard to tell whether he looked depressed or not, given the fact that he still hadn't cut off his hair. Yamazaki however could sense that something was going on, since Hara would've usually dashed towards him, greeting him and his other teammates with a dazzling smile and gossiping about people from his class.

For Hanamiya, it had to do with the start of his third year. For Yamazaki, however, it was something else, despite him not being truly aware of Hara's deepest concerns. Yamazaki had also noticed that Hara hadn't brought his bentou box, just like the letter had mentioned before.

"Zaki, mind if I eat one of the sausage thingies?" Hara crossed his arms, leaning towards the table, gazing at the small bentou box in front of him. "I woke up kind of late and, you know, forgot my money."

"Uh, sure," Yamazaki nodded, carefully picking the remaining sausage with his chopsticks, feeding the purple-haired teen as if they were some sort of cheesy couple. Hanamiya stared at them, slightly offended.

Having forgotten his lunch money wasn't the exact reason as to why Hara was depressed that day. He and Hanamiya were the only ones to know it, with Hara not being aware of Hanamiya's knowledge about the situation.

"Kazuya," the black-haired man's voice startled him for a moment, quickly turning to him, "you can also pick one of my croquettes if you want. But only one."

The purple-haired teen nodded, chewing the croquette which Yamazaki had given him earlier. Unlike before, when he'd seemed so gloomy and blue, Hara now looked as cheerful as he should, perhaps because his friends had shared some of their food with him.

However, Yamazaki hadn't been expecting that. Usually, Hanamiya wouldn't have given Hara anything, telling him that he should stop being so forgetful. The letter had also stated that Hanamiya wouldn't give him anything, due his personality. Yamazaki hadn't found any possible explanation to this, other than Hanamiya not being an asshole for once. Because, as far as he knew, Hanamiya didn't have a letter, nor any of his other teammates did. It wouldn't make any sense if they did.

As he dwelled on his thoughts, Yamazaki also recalled a certain sentence from that same letter.

_I want- no, I urge you to talk to him._

"Guys," Yamazaki moved the nori layer from his bentou, willing to devour the rice under it, "where exactly is Furuhashi? He should've arrived a while ago."

"I think he's at the rooftop with Secchan," Hara grinned, attempting to steal a small omelette from Hanamiya's bentou. "Don't be like that, Hana-chan. I'm really damn hungry, and your mama's food is amazing."

"Then, ask your own mother to make omelette for you. It can't suck," the black-haired teen scowled, softly hitting Hara's pale hand with his chopsticks, hoping that he would stop stealing food from him. "And, next time, try to not forget your bentou. You know how I feel like about sharing food."

"Yeah, Hana-chan loves it when Furu shares his bread."

"I don't know if you'd be so happy if I were to double your amount of practice for today," Hanamiya smirked. "By the way, I made this bentou myself."

"Dude, that's not fair! You're smart as fuck, and now you can cook. You're way too lucky, Hana-chan."

As he witnessed their conversation, Yamazaki recalled the letter's words. How his future self wanted him to have no regrets. How, if he made a bad choice, it seemingly would affect the future as a whole. And how, at the very beginning, he'd stated that it had to do with Hara.

It all gave him a bad feeling. As if making bad choices and not following the letter's instructions would result in failure. As if his 27-year old self really wanted his current self to, somehow, change the future; his, and Hara's as well. Yamazaki couldn't quite describe that feeling. It was something close to guilt, mixed with an overwhelming amount of self-hatred, worse than anything which Yamazaki had felt each time he'd gotten a bad grade.

Yamazaki felt like as if he'd been tasked with something which he couldn't accomplish.

···

Yamazaki had initially ignored the letter, until each single event written on it had became true. What had initially been a joke to him, soon had started scaring him, having left him wondering if such a thing was even legal.

After another one of Hanamiya's terrifying schedules, all Yamazaki wanted was to have a well-deserved rest. Yamazaki hadn't paid any attention to the letter throughout practice, having forced himself to forget about it just to focus on that day's schedule, and had only recalled it at the lockers, once it had finished. And, before heading home, he'd decided to give it another read, in hopes that there wasn't anything left to do.

He'd been wrong.

_Also, it's essential that Hara doesn't attend practice today. I know you'll disagree with this, and you'll tell him that practice is good for letting off some steam. But he's depressed. His performance will suck and Hanamiya will scold him because of that._

_Tell him to go home and rest. But, really, don't invite him to practice or anything today. Don't make the same mistake I did._

His eyes widened, him freezing on the spot. The letter had been right, once again.

At that same moment, Hanamiya was scolding Hara at the lockers, his words echoing throughout the entire room. And, surprisingly, Hara looked guilty, unlike any of the previous times when he would just laugh it off, claiming that it was just a silly episode. That time, Hara hadn't excused himself, quickly admitting that he was depressed at the moment, and that he'd just attended practice because Yamazaki had wanted him to.

It made Yamazaki feel guilty. On the other side, he felt like such a thing couldn't affect the future that much; he hadn't even thought about it as something essential. Either Yamazaki's future self kept exaggerating as much as his current self, or Yamazaki had truly made a mistake this time.

"If you're really depressed, you shouldn't have come today," Furuhashi complained, tying his trainers. "Hanamiya would've been alright with that."

"Yeah, but Zaki wanted me to play."

"But Hanamiya is right," the dark-haired teen eyed Hara. "You did terrible today. You really shouldn't have come today."

Yamazaki looked at them, then lowered his eyes, looking at Hara for a moment. He still looked as depressed as he'd been that morning, and it seemed like practice hadn't lifted up his mood at all. Hanamiya also looked particularly pissed at him, muttering some words to himself as he left the lockers. As far as Yamazaki knew, Hara hadn't done anything specific for Hanamiya to be angry at him, except pulling off a poor performance with sloppy passes and lots of failed three-pointers.

The letter didn't mention anything else for that day, other than talking to Hara was indispensable. Yamazaki didn't know the exact reason as to why the letter mentioned said action that often; he hadn't even thought about it. Maybe that letter, like he'd thought before, was just a prank, but pranks were rarely that accurate.

Before Hara went back home, Yamazaki stopped him by grabbing his shoulder. Unlike Hanamiya, he wasn't pissed at Hara, but his expression had given Hara the wrong idea. Yamazaki feared that he would get a bitter response coming from the purple-haired man, when it was Hara the one who was truly afraid of Yamazaki suddenly rising his voice at him.

"Hara, dude, I've gotta apologize," Yamazaki half-frowned, looking more worried than anything, having Hara turn towards him. "I knew you were depressed, yet I still forced you to-"

"It's fine, Zaki. It was fun as always," he grinned back.

Yamazaki didn't like that smile a bit. It wasn't like any of Hara's usual grins; it looked forced to him, as if Hara hadn't enjoyed that day's schedule. As if Hara hadn't wanted to attend practice that day.

···

_Don't make the same mistake I did._

Yamazaki lied on his bed, reading that same sentence over and over again, his eyes slowly closing themselves and him giving up before his sleepiness. He hadn't truly considered it a mistake, knowing that Hara could skip practice whenever he wanted to. But that last smile had left him with a disturbing amount of doubts, both about Hara and the letter in general.

He wondered if something bad was going to happen to Hara in the future if he couldn't follow the letter's instructions.

He wondered if the mistake which he'd made before would affect Hara in some sort of way.

He wondered if not having invited Hara to practice that day would've been the best choice.

And, most important: he wondered about his future self's regrets.

Soon, he'd gotten enough of that letter, placing it near his collection of manga volumes. As much as he wanted to, Yamazaki could never bring himself to rearrange his room, wondering if such a thing could even be possible on the first place. He gazed at the poorly folded clothes, the textbooks spread on his desk, the perfectly clean consoles and the remotes placed over them. His room was surrounded by an astonishing amount of posters, with some shelves placed on the walls, filled with manga volumes, videogames and a bunch of character figures.

Looking at his room was always a nice way to calm himself down. That day, however, had been an exception, as Yamazaki kept thinking about the letter. The piece of paper would seemingly never leave his head, only causing him more anxiety than he already had to bear with.

Yamazaki threw himself against his bed again, his back colliding with its sheets and his head quickly falling towards the pillow, burying its back. It was as comfortable as always, yet he couldn't feel a single thing. He felt like he was living Furuhashi's life and not his, with the exception that Furuhashi hadn't been tasked with such a request. He turned off his night-light, seemingly gazing at the room's roof, trying to fall asleep.

"Just how many regrets does my future self have?", Yamazaki asked himself, as his eyes closed and the Moon rose to the sky.


	2. "save hara."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamazaki finds out the truth behind that letter. Future!Zaki still hasn't let go of his regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how long it'll take me to finish this. I feel like I might drop this fic at one point, for no reason at all, other than me not feeling like writing it anymore. I mean, I have lots of projects I'm interested in, such as the "quirk fic". Until then, enjoy some fresh chapters.

**April 18th.**

Hara skipped practice for the rest of the week, rejecting any messages or calls. Surprisingly, he'd attended school; however, he'd often got distracted during class. But what had concerned Yamazaki the most had been the fact that Hara had ignored both him and the team throughout those days, even refusing to take Furuhashi's notes. As much as Yamazaki had attempted to contact him, he'd been unable to get any response. Even at lunch, Hara had ignored him, rushing to the classroom and sitting alone.

It had made Yamazaki feel incredibly guilty. He felt like it had been his fault, because he'd supposedly made a mistake the last week. Yamazaki wondered if his future self, who'd made that exact same mistake, had felt the same back then; if he'd put all the blame on himself, and apologized to Hanamiya for what had happened.

What had worried Yamazaki the most, though, had been the fact that he'd felt like Hara was distancing himself from the team. Unlike their previous year, when he'd been always eager to talk with his teammates and Yamazaki in particular, it seemed like Hara now wanted to alienate himself from them. The Hara that had once laughed and shared countless smiles with them, suddenly didn't want to associate himself with them any longer.

So far, Yamazaki's letter hadn't mentioned anything concerning that. It had only claimed that something would happen to Hara before their graduation, and, given the letter's disturbing tone, Yamazaki had only assumed that it would be something bad.

Yamazaki hadn't checked the letter until that day, out of curiosity. He'd took advantage of his World History teacher speaking to one of his classmate's parents to look at the letter.

**_April 18._ **

_Hara didn't talk to any of us during the previous week. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me forcing him to attend practice the other day. It makes me feel like shit. He was obviously depressed, so, why did I have to make it worse?_

The redhead hadn't been any surprised before this. However, those words had managed to increase his guilt, him wondering if he could do something to fix it. As the time before, it seemed like the letter -or rather, his future self- had the solution to this.

Yamazaki kept reading, with a dead expression resembling Furuhashi's. Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to feel anything, despite the guilt.

_Back then, I thought I'd fucked up for real and just waited until Hara spoke to me again. What I want you to do, is to apologize to him. Tell him that you made a big mistake and that you'll try to understand his feelings better._

_Oh, and make sure that he remembers that you two are on a fucking relationship._

···

Later that day, during lunch, Yamazaki spotted Hara at their classroom. He didn't look any depressed to him; however, that'd been only what Yamazaki had assumed by just peeking at him. In fact, Hara seemed quiet, enjoying his meal like any day, which made it easier for Yamazaki to approach him. The redhead grabbed the chair closest to Hara, casually sitting in front of him. He eyed the purple-haired teen with a shy beam as he rested his arms on the table, waiting for a possible response.

It took Hara a while to notice Yamazaki's presence, and when he did, he startled before him. Yamazaki had thought that, given his abrupt arrival, he might've scared Hara, withdrawing his eyes from him and thinking about a possible excuse. Hara's response, however, wasn't like anything he'd been expecting.

"Ah, Zaki!" the purple-haired teen smiled, ruffling the other teen's hair. Yamazaki's eyes widened before him, showing a faint smile, a sense of relief running through his body afterwards.

When Hara withdrew his hand from Yamazaki's hair, however, his look turned distant for a moment. Yamazaki still couldn't help but to think he'd done something for Hara to behave like that. From Hara's point of view, though, he was wrong. There was more to that situation other than a small mistake, but it wasn't like Hara would confess anything.

Gathering all his courage, Yamazaki chose to apologize before that situation could, somehow, get worse. He took a deep breath, patting Hara's shoulder, having the teen raise his head at him, seemingly fixing his green eyes on his.

"Hara, dude... I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" The teen tilted his head out of curiosity.

"Y-You remember last week? When I told you to come to practice, even though you weren't doing that good?" Yamazaki stuttered, his trembling fingers grazing the fabric of Hara's shirt. "I knew you were feeling like shit, yet I kept forcing you to come. Seriously."

"It's fine," Hara smiled back, much to Yamazaki's shock.

"No, b-but really-" Yamazaki withdrew his hand from Hara's shoulder, gesticulating, quickly removing his gaze from the teen's eyes. He thought it hadn't been enough. "We're, uh, partners, after all, so I should be more supportive-"

All of the sudden, Hara placed his hands on the table and stood up, only to lean towards the redhead and leave a petite kiss on his forehead. He'd felt like it had been a while since he'd shown any thankfulness towards Yamazaki, given the fact that they hadn't spoken for nearly a week. The redhead simply stood there, bewildered, watching as Hara sat back and smiled at him.

Yamazaki had really missed those small displays of affection. Particularly because he often got to see Hara's smile afterwards; a childish smile, full of hope, which the letter would soon warn Yamazaki about.

"I told you, it's fine. Anyway," he slurped on his juice, "do we have any World History homework? I really need to pass that shit."

"The truth is, I wasn't paying that much attention, but I think we're supposed to read a book. I remember the teacher saying something about a book, but I'm not sure right now."

"Anything else?" Hara tilted his head again, placing it on one of his hands, as he listened to Yamazaki's words.

"Uh, we actually got a bunch of Biology homework this morning. I can help you if you want, of course."

There wasn't any response; Hara simply smiled at him, as if he'd been alright with that. Like before, Yamazaki had been relieved by Hara's behavior, and the fact that things had worked out. All of it had been thanks to that letter, which had again predicted the outcome. Not that Yamazaki truly trusted it, though; it would still take him a while to fully accept its predictions. Particularly because some of them would make him fear, even hate the future ahead of him.

As long as Yamazaki kept said letter, though, there would always be something for him to worry about, it often being Hara's welfare. Seeing as how many times the letter had mentioned Hara, and how it had seemingly warned Yamazaki about said teen, the redhead had thought that keeping an eye on him would be the best thing to do.

"Anyway, Zaki..." he finished his juice before proceeding. "Do you think Hana-chan will be mad at me?"

"I know he got pissed when you didn't come last Tuesday, but he didn't say anything else. Y-You could always ask him," he stood up. "He might still be pissed, though."

"Pissed at what?"

Both teens turned towards Hanamiya, who stood right next to them, and had been listening to them for a while. Yamazaki had gotten reminded of a certain blue-haired kid who had annoyed him quite a lot last year. Hanamiya eyed them as if he had a superiority complex towards them, grabbing a seat and fixing his sharp gaze on Hara's, who almost dropped his melonpan upon witnessing him.

Somehow, and luckily, they were the only ones inhabiting that classroom at the moment. Hara had chose to have lunch there for that same reason, longing for a moment of peace. Now that Hanamiya had arrived, however, he felt like said peace wouldn't last for too long.

"Captain-"

"Hey, don't panic," Hanamiya's tone seemed rude to Hara. However, Yamazaki could tell that he wasn't any angry at him. "You're doing better, I guess."

"Y-Yeah," Hara nodded back, reluctant to say anything. Hanamiya rose an eyebrow at him, only to scowl afterwards. The redhead could only watch them, intrigued by Hanamiya's quiet behavior. "Anyway, captain, I really feel like I should apologize...·

"I've already told you, there's nothing you should apologize for," Hanamiya kept a composed tone, which made Yamazaki suspect. "If you're depressed, then you're free to miss practice. Just like anybody else. After all, mental health is important too."

"Dude, you were fucking yelling at me!" he complained, removing the melonpan's wrapper. "By the way, why're you being so lovey-dovey all of the sudden? Like Zaki would say, it's like you're a bootleg or something."

The redhead unconsciously snorted at him. It hadn't been the first time which Hara had done that, though, and he loved each time he did it. Hara had been right, though: Hanamiya's softened behavior wasn't like him at all. Usually, he would've just scolded Hara again, telling him to come back to the team as soon as possible, even mentioning something about that year's Interhigh.

Furuhashi and Seto's behavior had also softened as well, but nothing like Hanamiya's. The one that would've told Hara to stop being such a coward, was now supportive towards him. And Yamazaki would love to believe it, but he couldn't; Hanamiya's true self still was unknown to him.

"Exactly why're you complaining?" he stood up, smirking. "I'm your coach, and I'm supposed to watch over your mental health as well. So make sure you don't slip back into depression before the Interhigh begins."

The teenager left afterwards, leaving a confused Yamazaki behind him. While Yamazaki was glad that Hanamiya hadn't been any harsh towards Hara, he really didn't get why his captain had let go of his cold personality so easily. He was also well-aware of Hanamiya's role as a coach, and the things which he'd previously done for his teammates.

If so, why had Hanamiya's behavior seemed so suspicious to him just then?

···

_That evening, you and Hara will be late to practice because of some Bio homework. Obviously, Hanamiya will have the both of you stay later as a punishment, while he watches a match or some crap like that._

_During a short break, Hara will ask you if you'd like to sleep over at his home that weekend. I don't know why, but I refused, and I know I made him feel like crap._

_This is one of the few things I really need you to do. If you've fucked up before it's fine, but if you fuck up this time, I'll probably hate you. You'll understand why._

And, just like the time before, the letter had been right. Hanamiya forced them to stay until nearly 10PM, making them endure one of the worst practice schedules so far. Midway through that schedule, Yamazaki had felt like one of his legs would simply burst out of his body, leaving a puddle of blood and a shocked Hara behind.

Of course, such things only happened in manga, and so did his letter. Except that the letter had become real last week. Yamazaki wasn't afraid of the possibility of his leg suddenly sticking out of his body, though, but of the letter's incredible accuracy, and how it explicitly told him to keep an eye on Hara, subtly hinting that something might soon happen to him. Yamazaki wasn't so sure about that, though; at times, he'd felt like that letter's entries were just silly relationship advice.

Yamazaki knew something for sure: he wanted to erase his future self's regrets, no matter how pointless they were.

"I thought he'd softened up, but really," Yamazaki gasped for air, reaching for one of the towels placed on the bench. "It's like he's trying to kill us."

"Yeah, like, I'm so sorry I had to finish my goddamn homework. Anyway, Zaki..."

The redhead quickly turned to him, as he dried some sweat from his forehead. Already aware of the outcome, he gave Hara an interested look, as if he wanted to lift up his mood more than it already was.

"Say."

"I've been thinking, and..." he stuttered for a moment, trying to regain his breath. "I'd love it if you could stay this weekend over at my home. You know, like, playing games, and hanging out, and-"

"That actually sounds quite cool!" Yamazaki grinned, his face lightening up, quickly lifting up Hara's mood. "Should I bring something, or..."

"I actually have a bunch of jammies I don't wear anymore. There's one with a pig that will totally fit you," Hara giggled, much to Yamazaki's annoyance, grabbing a bottle from the floor which Hanamiya had left for them earlier. "You can always sleep naked."

Yamazaki scowled at him, pouting, his ears and cheeks progressively turning red, almost grabbing Hara by his t-shirt's collar. Deep inside, however, he'd felt thankful for having heard one of Hara's jokes again; he'd even missed listening to the teen's voice. Witnessing his smile had also relieved him, as well as talking to him again. All thanks to a letter whoses contents were still sort of foreign and strange to Yamazaki, who still hadn't fully accepted it.

"I'm not fucking sleeping naked!" a flustered Yamazaki groaned as he left the towel back on the bench. His stomach yelled at him, wondering if he'd be able to bear with such a schedule any longer.

"Well, we're gonna sleep together after all, so I don't really care," Hara smirked back. "But, you sure about that?"

"Already told you, man. It's a pretty neat idea," the redhead beamed back, dragging a small giggle from Hara, which warmed the both of them. Yamazaki then helped Hara raise from the bench, to resume practice.

As the both of them continued with their schedule, a hardly concerned Hanamiya watched, typing things down on his notebook. He'd finished watching the match little ago, already aware of its outcome and each of the team's qualities as well, so he'd decided to keep an eye on his teammates afterwards, concretely Hara.

During the last week, Hanamiya had been particularly worried about him, who he'd thought had been hurt by his words. Hara, of course, hadn't said anything about it, nor he'd mentioned it, not wanting to infuriate his captain more than he already was. If the team ever were to crumble, or even break, something possible even under Hanamiya's watch, Hara would put all the blame on himself, even if he'd done nothing for it to happen.

Yamazaki wouldn't want such a thing to happen. He wondered if his future self had also once beared with those same thoughts; if he still regreted his high school years.

···

He lied on his bed, surrounded by poorly-folded clothes and half-finished writings, the sheets spread all over the floor, as if he hadn't bothered to arrange them. He hadn't felt like doing anything that day, other than pondering on his thoughts and maybe going on a walk later. It was highly unlike him to behave like that; he'd usually go jogging each morning, only to hang out with some friends later, and spend the rest of the day streaming. He felt like the city had progressively forgotten about him, but it wasn't like he cared.

It'd been quite a while since he'd felt like that. After almost ten years trying to let go of his regrets and guilt, Yamazaki had suddenly gone back to the beginning, to the day after the incident, ironically on the 3rd of July, a day which he'd been trying to avoid ever since then. Yamazaki had attempted his best to get over it throughout those ten years, but it was just impossible; the guilt would just not go.

It hadn't been until Hanamiya knocked at his door that Yamazaki's mood had improved -or rather, that he'd forced himself to get out of bed and show a smile. Unlike Hanamiya, he hadn't bought a gift, nor he'd thought about doing so, just like the previous years; he'd never been able to bring himself to. Even Hanamiya, who had seemingly gotten over that accident in the span of a year, could tell that Yamazaki wouldn't forget about it so easily.

"You gotta do something about your room, Yama," Hanamiya complained, disgustingly staring at the amount of dirty underwear spread amongst Yamazaki's room. "I know depression sucks, but honestly. You should've gotten over it a while ago."

There was no response. Hanamiya hadn't attempted to enrage Yamazaki, though; that was his own way of doing things. But getting Yamazaki to pay any attention to him wouldn't be an easy task.

He followed the redhead into the living room, which, just like his room, was a mess. Either Yamazaki didn't want to clean up due an upcoming episode, or he was just too lazy. Instead of assuming the later, Hanamiya considered the first one, especially given that time of the year. After that incident, Yamazaki had slowly began to hate the month of July.

"I'm serious, Yama," he sighed, scowling as he watched Yamazaki pick up some empty noodle containers from the floor. "It's been ten years. You-"

"I don't feel like talking about that right now," Yamazaki's voice, who had once been strong and charming, now sounded dead, much like Furuhashi's. Except that, in Yamazaki's case, it had been his own fault.

Hanamiya hated seeing him behave like that. True was that he had his own regrets from high school, but he'd slowly gotten over them, having never spoken about that accident again. But, to compare himself, someone who had only yelled and scolded Hara, to Yamazaki, who'd been the closest to Hara those years, felt unfair even to him.

He frowned, keeping the same rigid stance as before, as he watched Yamazaki rearrange his living room. Hanamiya didn't know why he kept coming back to Yamazaki's floor each 3rd of July, already aware of the fact that he'd never been able to bear with the redhead's mood.

On the other side, however, he could understand why Yamazaki felt like that. He'd been unable to stop that incident from happening, despite him being the closest to Hara out of the entire team. All of them had carried strong regrets and burdens since that day, but not even Hanamiya knew how big Yamazaki's were. He'd spoken to Hara's family multiple times, particularly to his older brother, nearly breaking down each time he came back from that place. But talking to Yamazaki had always been the hardest task, especially given how he'd felt towards that incident.

Because there wasn't anything which he could do to help Yamazaki.

···

_Remember when I mentioned that this letter had a lot to do with Hara? Well._

_Ten years in the future, Hara isn't longer with us. His depression progressively got worse, to the point he couldn't even control it, and attempted suicide multiple times. He was successful the third one, so he couldn't make it to our high school graduation._

_I urge you to watch over him. Because, when I heard that he'd died, something inside me broke. Hara was someone really important to me, and, to this day, I still hate myself for not having done anything. I don't want you to carry the same regrets I do._

_Save Hara. That's all I want you to do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "quirk fic" is also far more interesting than this fic, given that it features the whole cast instead of just a team. But the execution is much harder. I might attempt to write it if I can't continue with this fic.


	3. we're partners after all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamazaki stays over at Hara's home, and reminisces on their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, slow update. I knew this would happen.
> 
> Also, some changes to the fic which I shall list at the end of the chapter.

**April 23rd.**

At the start of the week, Yamazaki had promised Hara that he would stay the weekend over at his home, largely because of the letter’s request. It wasn’t like he would’ve had rejected Hara’s request without the letter, though; but knowing that he was one step closer to saving Hara by just following a letter somehow made him feel accomplished.

Although he’d been excited, Yamazaki had also been anxious. His future self had urged him to accept Hara’s request, claiming that he’ll hate him if he couldn’t follow the letter’s instructions. Yamazaki had too assumed that, by acepting Hara’s request, he would change the future, even if it was a small portion of it. Little did he know that the letter’s essential requests were the ones that would make him fear, even loathe the future ahead of him.

Still, Yamazaki wanted to forget about the letter for once. The letter didn’t had any instructions for that day, yet his future self had given him a nice message. Although said message hadn’t managed to uplift his mood the slightest.

_April 23rd, nothing to see here. If you’ve accepted Hara’s request, that’s cool. There isn’t anything specific I want you to do today; just have fun, play games, you know._

_Also, don’t think too much about what I mentioned before. You’re probably thinking, “how the fuck am I supposed to not worry about him?”, but seriously. Focus on the positive. Watch over Hara, but also over yourself._

···

Yamazaki knew that he would have to stay positive the whole year, faking smiles when needed, being all cheerful and sunny even when he was about to break, in order to both save Hara and have nobody suspect about him. Knowing that Hara could die if he made a mistake, however, only complicated things for him, having Yamazaki carefully think of his own actions before executing them. Yamazaki wasn’t the best at scheming, though, given his clumsiness, and the fact that he had a whole school of geniuses and prodigies in front of him which had only increased his insecurities and self-doubt.

Despite this, he was by no means an idiot. Yamazaki’s grades weren’t the lowest; in fact, last year he’d ranked 41st at the school’s ranking. His empathy also was astonishing, it being the key to his succesful relationships. Yamazaki didn’t think about himself as someone smart, but as a good friend. His anger issues and impulsiveness often got in the way, having the redhead lash out at his friends after the smallest issue took place, yet Yamazaki had never let such things ruin his friendships.

Hara’s case was different, though. Their relationship hadn’t started out as something perfect, with Yamazaki slowly getting used to Hara’s perverted jokes, his strange nicknames and his confusing personality, often threatening with slamming a chair against his head. Their friendship had started as sloppy, full of complaints from Yamazaki’s side and unconscious flirting from Hara’s, with the latter hoping that they could work out.

And, once they did, it was a relief for the both of them. For Yamazaki, because he wouldn’t have to bear with Hara’s jokes, but with his sudden displays of affection; and for Hara, whoses continuous doubts about whether Yamazaki truly enjoyed his presence or not had been answered. From then on, their relationship did nothing but evolve, Yamazaki being the supportive friend and Hara keeping his flirtatious side, them learning to trust each other as they got used to each other’s flaws. Even Hanamiya, who usually chose to ignore them, had once acknowledged it.

As their relationship progressed and their feelings gradually developed, Hara eventually took the first step, to which Yamazaki didn’t respond well. To think that the first person to confess to him would be someone which Yamazaki considered one of his best friends had been confusing, if not ridiculous. Yamazaki, however, hadn’t feel like it had been a joke at all; Hara’s stuttering and his cherry-dyed face had been proof of that. It took Yamazaki quite a while to come in terms with his own feelings, trying to figure out of whether his feelings were truly platonic or if they had developed like Hara’s.

Once he came in terms with them and Hara’s as well, Yamazaki’s thoughts on the purple-haired teen abruptly changed, him quickly figuring out that he’d fell for Hara harder than he’d initially thought.

Looking back on those times made Yamazaki feel sort of melancholic. Their relationship had progressed quite a lot throughout those three years, and now it seemed like everything would break because of Hara’s demons attempting to drag him back into the darkness. The Hara which Yamazaki knew and had learned to love would turn against him and the team and burn himself until there was nothing but ashes left, and Yamazaki would only regret not having done anything once the wind washed those ashes away.

With the exception that, this time, he could save Hara by simply following a letter’s steps. Yamazaki still didn’t fully trust it, though, but seeing as how the letter’s predictions got more accurate each time and his future self kept begging him to follow its instructions, he’d had no choice but to believe it. If he could prevent Hara’s death by doing as a bunch of sheets said, then Yamazaki would place all his confidence on them, regardless how ridiculous their instructions were.

The redhead tried to let go of those thoughts as soon as he stepped in front of Hara’s room, tense and sweaty and unable to burn the thought of Hara leaving them in the future. Yamazaki knew that Hara will notice if he’s unable to wash away those thoughts, and so he tried to repress them and replace them with happier ones, such as their upcoming visit to the arcade, their pseudo-date that evening, and each minute they would spend together that day. Despite his efforts, the thoughts of Hara not making it to their graduation, and him being unable to save him remained there.

Hara’s older brother, Shigeo, had noticed Yamazaki’s uneasiness the moment he’d entered their home. He wondered if it had anything to do with Kazuya.

···

Yamazaki looked down on his drink, his eyes fixed on its bubbly surface as Hara ranted about his plans for that year’s upcoming Golden Week. After spending nearly two hours at the arcade, Hara had brought him to a small bar nearby so they could rest, but Yamazaki hadn’t spoken at all. He’d just looked at his drink, half-ignoring Hara’s words as the teen unraveled himself and his ideas, with a smile which Yamazaki could hardly overlook.

And Yamazaki couldn’t deny it. Hara’s smile was, to him, one of the most beautiful ones he’d ever witnessed. Not his smile after successfully pulling off a prank on his teammates, or his smile when he made fun of Hanamiya. Yamazaki spoke of Hara’s smile after he laughed; that one smile which he’d show each time they met at school or spent the smallest of time together. It was a smile void of any sorrow, almost undescriptable, which had managed to uplift Yamazaki’s mood even during the most miserable times. A smile which had made Yamazaki love and appreciate Hara more than anything.

To think that such a smile would soon fade ruined Yamazaki’s day almost immediately.

"Zaki? You there, Zaki?" the purple-haired teen sang as he reached for Yamazaki’s head, leaving small pats on it. "Say something!"

Yamazaki snapped all of the sudden, looking at the boy in front of him. Hara looked confused, slightly concerned about him, his head tilted, withdrawing his arm as his pout turned into a smile. Yamazaki hoped that nobody had witnessed him spacing out, and quickly looked around the place to make sure tha he hadn’t embarrassed himself.

Then, he heard a small giggle. It was Hara’s, who had found Yamazaki’s sudden behavior interesting, if not funny. The redhead tittered back at him, joining his shaky hands together as he tried to fix his eyes on Hara’s hidden ones.

"Ah, yeah, sorry," he forced a smile, as Hara sipped on his milk. "The Interhigh is pretty soon and, you know, I’m kind of anxious. I-I really want us to win this time."

"Speaking about the Interhigh, you know what Hana-chan told me?" Hara flapped one of his feet as he spoke.

"Lemme guess… We’re going on a training camp, right?"

"Nuh-uh, he’s gonna put us through unbearable practice this time. However," he kept flapping his foot, his grin suddenly fading, "Hana-chan said that, if I’m not feeling well by then, I shouldn’t play."

Yamazaki rose his eyebrows upon Hara’s words, blinking. It wasn’t like Hanamiya to actually show any concern towards someone, let alone Hara. The few times Hanamiya had cared about his teammate’s feelings had been during exam weeks, sometimes even helping them with their studies. Never before Hanamiya had shown any interest in any of his teammates’ issues, not even when they begged for him to do so.

He’d found Hanamiya’s behavior suspicious. To Yamazaki, Hanamiya wasn’t the kind of person to behave like that; the Hanamiya which he knew was a cold individual who hardly cared about any feelings that weren’t his. Either Hanamiya had suddenly chose to change his mind -which Yamazaki would mistake for a redemption arc-, or his heart wasn’t stone-cold like Yamazaki and most of the team had thought.

"T-That’s cool, I guess," Yamazaki grinned, half-anxious, unable to hold eye contact. "But, I mean, he’s right. It’s not like he told you not to play at all."

"Zaki, you think Hana-chan really cares?" Hara lowered his back, playing with his drink’s straw. "Like, I don’t remember him being all lovey-dovey last year."

"Well, he’s our coach after all, so he’s obviously gotta give a shit about us."

"Yeah, I guess so," Hara tittered back, still bouncing his foot.

Luckily, Hara hadn’t asked anything regarding Yamazaki’s stuttering or his strange hand motions throughout their talk. Hara hadn’t felt like Yamazaki’s behavior had been any different, though, since Yamazaki had always been agitated during dates, had it been with Hara or some temporary girl whose personality he’d liked.

Witnessing Hara’s smile as he spoke about his favorite bands, hearing his giggles each time Yamazaki stumbled while talking, or solely watching as Hara easily beat his score at rhythm games. Those were small things which gave Yamazaki hope, or, at least, made him feel like he’d accomplished something. And, having agreed with Hara’s proposal, like the letter had commanded him to, had sort of lowered his anxiety levels.

If it made Hara happy, or simply helped him in some way, then Yamazaki wouldn’t hesitate to follow the letter’s steps, no matter how bizarre they turned out to be. However, just like the sky, the letter’s contents would progressively turn darker. So dark, that its blackened ink and its desperate calls for help would eventually stop Yamazaki from reading.

···

The rest of the day flowed slowly. Yamazaki attempted to talk Hara quite a lot, being successful most of the time, having him smile as much as he could. He tried to appreciate each little moment as much as he could, paying as much attention as he could to any small detail which he could miss. Exactly the opposite of what his future self would’ve wanted him to do.

It wasn’t like Yamazaki was aware of that. The letter had only mentioned that he should try and have a nice, quiet day, but it seemed like Yamazaki had chose to ignore its advice. He was way too troubled about Hara’s well-being to even calm down on the first place, particularly given how the letter had warned him of Hara’s future. 

_His depression progressively got worse, to the point he couldn’t even control it, and attempted suicide multiple times. He was successful the third one, so he couldn’t make it to our high school graduation._

Yamazaki wished that he could tell, at least, one person about the letter. It couldn’t be anybody from his family, not even his siblings, since he already knew that he wouldn’t be taken seriously. Neither could it be any of his teammates, let alone Hanamiya, with Yamazaki being well-aware of the fact that he’d be laughed at the instant he mentioned anything about the letter. Telling Hara, of course, wasn’t a possibility, since it would mean that Yamazaki would have to confess him everything regarding the letter and his upcoming death.

He couldn’t bring said topic up using metaphors, though, as Hara could barely understand them without having Yamazaki explain them to him. Yamazaki would most likely have to keep the letter to himself, struggling with his own secret. The opposite to which his future self had expected.

Trapped in a spiderweb filled with thoughts which he seemingly couldn’t break out of, Yamazaki had barely slept the previous day. Yamazaki let Hara drum his fingers against his shoulder as he attempted to break free from said spiderweb, fighting his drowsiness. Hara’s ticklish touch helped him stay awake, but Yamazaki had already let out a good amount of yawns.

"Hara," he spoke, with a warm, well-known smile, having the purple-haired teen turn to him. "You believe in time travel?"

Hara stopped drumming his fingers, only to graze the fabric of Yamazaki’s clothing, slowly removing his gaze from Yamazaki’s. Time travel had never been an interest of Hara’s, given its complexity and how quickly he lost track of it. Now that Yamazaki had brought it up, Hara had no choice but to try and follow whatever Yamazaki’s theory was, oblivious to the fact that Yamazaki wasn’t as knowledgeable about it as he’d thought.

"I don’t know," Hara tittered, lowering his head as he played with his fingers. The room’s atmosphere and its silence felt quite comfortable. "I know about the black hole stuff, and it all seems fascinating, but I never understood it. You know I suck at Physics."

"W-well, I’ve gotta agree with you. It’s a pain in the ass to explain. But, let’s say that time travel is a thing, and you fuck up in your current timeline."

"Yeah, I get where you’re going," Hara grinned, grabbing a pack of gum from his pocket. To Yamazaki, he didn’t look any nervous. "You fuck up in a timeline, and you want to avoid it, so you travel to the past."

"Thus, you create another timeline in which you don’t fuck up," Yamazaki excitedly replied, his eyes lightening up as he beamed back at Hara. - "And you change the future. I know it sounds like total bullshit, but I think it could be possible."

All of the sudden, Hara lowered his head, slowly chewing on his gum as he squeezed his hands together. Maybe Yamazaki’s interruption had bothered him; the redhead still wasn’t well-aware of Hara’s disorder and how the smallest things made him panic. Maybe Hara didn’t want to talk about time travel at all, and wanted to talk about that one concert instead. Maybe he was just tired of all the talking, and wanted to either take a nap or play videogames.

Or maybe Hara had just disagreed with his theory. Which, to Yamazaki, would be the most logical response.

"Zaki, I know the whole thing about changing the future seems cool to you. I know you’re really interested in this whole topic of time travel and moral choices and whatever crap you’ve seen in videogames, but…"

"But?" Yamazaki tilted his head to take a better look at him. Unlike before, Hara now seemed distant, unwilling to voice his thoughts.

"Perhaps there’s stuff in the future which you can’t change," Hara rose his head, hardly turning towards Yamazaki, avoiding eye contact. "I’m not one to talk, sure, but, if time travel were real, I doubt you could change everything."

"Well, that makes sense. Hanamiya would agree with you. However," Yamazaki showed a glimpse of curiosity on his eyes, as he reached for one of the controllers on the floor, "how did you come to such conclusion? I mean, you said you didn’t understand time travel, and now you came up with that thing-"

"T-There’s no reason, Zaki!" Hara’s voice turned crumbly for a moment. "It just makes sense. There’s gotta be something which you can’t avoid, even if you wreck yourself attempting to change the future."

Yamazaki gave him a concerned look. He’d never heard Hara say something that pessimistic before, not even during his worst episodes. Despite how gloomy he’d seemed before, Hara had always managed to put on a smile and play pranks on his teammates, succesfully hiding his depression and issues from them. None of them, not even Hanamiya or Yamazaki himself, had bothered to ask if there was something wrong with him over the course of those two years.

He was afraid of the future. If the letter’s predictions turned out to be true and the future truly couldn’t be changed like Hara said before, then Yamazaki had no choice but to bear with a future in which Hara no longer was there with him. It wasn’t like Yamazaki would be alright with that kind of future. It wasn’t like any of his teammates, or his own relatives, would be alright with a future in which Hara was gone.

Nobody wished for that kind of ending. The kind of ending which Yamazaki’s future self had once lived, and the kind of ending which had teared apart a group of high-school friends.

···

Yamazaki didn’t know why Hara chewed gum all the time, or why he sometimes started flapping his hands for no reason. He still didn’t know the reason behind Hara’s meltdowns and his unusual amount of empathy, and why he flinched, even cried before sudden loud noises. Sometimes, Hara would take longer than usual to ask something, often struggling to finish the question. And, other times, he’d been distracted, his movement turning sloppy, even slow, with Yamazaki helping him most of the time.

Yamazaki had never been taught about such things, nor he’d heard of any kid who acted like Hara did. He’d met clumsy, glasses-wearing kids during his childhood, which had strange habits and never ceased speaking of famous scientists, and which sometimes took too long to voice their thoughts and struggled when interacting with other people. And, during middle school, Yamazaki had met a girl with similar traits, except that she’d had a knack for the Edo period, often forgot people’s faces and names, and ate the same meal almost every day.

Hara was no different from them, and Yamazaki had slowly grown used to his endless chatter about musicians, his stuttering, and how he often started chewing on his pen cap during class, seemingly during the entire lesson. Naturally, Yamazaki had never bothered to ask him, neither his relatives, about whatever could be wrong with Hara, having assumed that he wouldn’t get a response right away. While he’d supposed that Hara’s behavior at times was something normal, a part of himself could tell that there was something more to Hara than he knew.

Not that Yamazaki was willing to ask Hara, though. He felt like such a thing, much like Hara’s inability to completely trust him and the team, wasn’t something which Hara would enjoy talking about. Yamazaki wondered if his future self had ever asked Hara about such things.

He wished that he could just let go of those thoughts, in order to fall asleep, after having been awake for nearly half an hour. Yamazaki had never liked sleeping next to other people, not even his own siblings, but there was something about Hara which made him feel at ease. Yamazaki couldn’t tell if it was the way Hara clung to him as he fell asleep, or if he simply felt that way because Hara was his partner.

To him, Hara had fell asleep little ago, given his lack of movement and his slow, quiet breathing, when the truth was that Hara had been staring at him the whole time, unable to fall asleep himself.

"Zaki," Hara muttered, followed by a yawn, as he adjusted himself to the bed. His voice hadn’t sounded particularly weary to Yamazaki.

A sleepy Yamazaki turned on the night-light, only to turn back to Hara. Yamazaki liked that tired, childlike look on Hara’s face, and how the light faintly reflected on his eyes, leaving a small hue of amber which blended perfectly with their sky-blue shade. Even if the night-light was unable to lighten the whole room, Yamazaki had more than enough by staring at the boy in front of him.

Before Yamazaki could say anything, he felt Hara reach for one of his shoulders, barely embracing him with one of his arms. Yamazaki found it endearing and beamed at him, not getting a response back.

"You- We really should be asleep right now," Yamazaki looked away for a moment, aware of Hara’s unability to maintain eye contact. He hadn’t bothered to look at Hara’s alarm clock before. "Anyway, did you want something?"

"Zaki," Hara’s voice turned crumbly for a second, lowering his eyes. "Promise me something?"

"S-Sure," he flickered.

"You’ll stay with me forever, right?"

It hadn’t been the first time which Hara had asked Yamazaki such a thing. Most of the time, he’d had no idea about what to reply with, often opting for short, comforting responses. Because of this, Yamazaki had wondered if Hara had any issues concerning their relationship, and possible issues with him. And he knew that he wasn’t the perfect partner; he still had to work on his anger issues and his impulsiveness as well, attempting to keep himself from lashing out at anybody who pranked him.

Any issues which Hara could have regarding him and their relationship hadn’t been mentioned by the letter so far. Either they had yet to take place, Yamazaki had to trigger something specific in order to find out about them, or Hara wouldn’t mention them at all. 

"Of course," Yamazaki traced a smile, turning the night-light off afterwards. "I mean, we’re partners after all."

Given the fact that Hara hadn’t said anything after that, Yamazaki had assumed that he’d done well in comforting him, when the truth was that Hara had his own reasons to ask such things, and to not fully believe Yamazaki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As for the changes, the first and "biggest" one is Hara being autistic. I've had that headcanon in my mind for a while and I really, really wanted to write something with it. I'm autistic myself, so I know what I'm doing... most of the time, of course. I can't promise it'll be a decent portrayal, though, and I know that I'm taking a big risk.
> 
> There'll also be multiple POVs, which are all going to be, well, KiriDaii's players, being Yamazaki and Hanamiya's the "important" ones. However, despite having not fully planned this fic, I can tell that Hara's POV will be the most important one. If someone has read Orange, think about that one chapter with Kakeru's POV.
> 
> The third update is more of an announcement rather than an update. I may drop this fic because of several factors, particularly because, starting on September, I'm starting Bachiller, which will take most of my time and, sadly, my mental health. I'll obviously have to focus on it, so, depending on my mood and how I feel towards this fic, I may go on a hiatus or simply drop this fic when things get rough.
> 
> ···
> 
> Leave kudos or a comment if you liked it! I would appreciate it!


	4. another side to hanamiya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamazaki and Hara are paired up for an English project. Future!Zaki keeps struggling with Hara's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously love writing training camp arcs, and this one is no exception. It'll be a happier arc than this one, still Yamazaki's POV. I'm still thinking about switching POV's, and how tricky it'll be. I want to develop each one of the boys' as much as possible before the fic's end, and if I can't, I may write additional drabbles to make up for it.
> 
> Also, I hope someone gets the hints. And the reference.
> 
> [ Warnings for small bits of ableism and homophobia at the beginning, as well as death mentions at the ending. ]

**April 26th.**

_Today, you and Hara will be paired up for an English Grammar project. There isn’t anything to worry about, since you won’t have to hand it over until the 6th of May, and you have the entire Golden Week to work on it. People at class will say that Hara working on your side is a waste of time, which will make Hara feel insecure._

_During break, you’ll gather with the other boys at the rooftop, where Hanamiya will tell you something about the Interhigh and a training camp. I think he wanted us to drop at Seto’s home that evening too._

_Once you’re working on that project, try to make Hara feel confident with himself. The guy’s really good at English, I’m telling you._

···

For Yamazaki, it didn’t seem like anything significant would happen that day. Unlike the previous days, during which his future self had urged him to follow certain instructions, there didn’t seem to be any that day but that last one. The letter hadn’t mentioned anything regarding Hara’s mood that day, so Yamazaki had quickly assumed that Hara’s mood wasn’t crumbly that day.

This time, Yamazaki hadn’t been wrong. As soon as Hara had witnessed him at the main entrance, he’d waved at him with an endearing grin. Witnessing such a smile had lifted up Yamazaki’s mood, unconsciously turning red as he smiled back at Hara. His mood that day was completely different from what Yamazaki had seen last week, during which he’d felt like Hara had been struggling with some sort of depression, given his unsettling questions back then.

Yamazaki’s assumptions were confirmed once he observed Hara during class. Instead of loafing around or staring at the window, Hara was taking notes, even raising his hand once because he hadn’t understood something, all of this while flapping one of his feet. Yamazaki could recall having seen Hara behave like that before, fluctuating between energetic, cheerful moods, during which he didn’t ask for notes and played pranks on his teammates, and quiet, gloomy ones, in which he quickly got tired during practice and even refused to do his homework or study.

Yamazaki didn’t think of Hara’s behavior as annoying. Instead, he thought about it as something similar to his own anger issues, with the exception that Hara couldn’t control it at times. Sometimes he’d wondered if his future self had mentioned anything concerning Hara’s behavior on the letter, even willing to go through the letter’s entries to confirm his assumptions. If he did, however, then Yamazaki would stumble upon certain events which would only distance him from the letter.

He quickly hid said letter under the desk when he felt like one of his classmates was staring at him, biting his lower lip as his gaze returned to the blackboard, scowling. If someone were to ask Yamazaki about that letter, he would ignore the question, claiming that it was just a love letter and that he would dump it as soon as possible. Yamazaki wasn’t willing to reveal anything concerning the letter nor the future ahead of him, not even to his own teammates, particularly Hanamiya.

Eventually, the first of the letter’s predictions for that day became true. Their English Grammar teacher mentioned said project, adding that it wasn’t due until the 6th of May, pairing up her students afterwards. And, despite already knowing the outcome, Yamazaki was shocked when he got paired up with Hara. It awoke diverse complaints from some of their classmates, many of them claiming that Yamazaki shouldn’t have been paired up with such a slacker like Hara was, with one of them ranting to the teacher about it.

Hara ignored said comments, much to Yamazaki’s surprise. The redhead, who didn’t know that Hara had been through way worse than a bunch of complaints, felt proud of him, even wanting to congratulate him. Except that Yamazaki hadn’t feel entirely proud; the letter had mentioned that those comments would upset Hara, instead of Hara bruising them off. Either Yamazaki’s future self had made a mistake, or something which Yamazaki wasn’t aware of was going on.

"Sorry, Zaki, I was a bit depressed the other day," he smirked as they made their way through the hall, leaning closer to the redhead, who gave him an astonished, slightly embarrassed look. "I’m doing fine now, so don’t you worry."

Behind them, Yamazaki overheard a pair of girls complain about him working with Hara, adding that Yamazaki deserved much better than a “weird, slow brat” like Hara was. Aside from them, some students from their same class were saying things alike. It unsettled Yamazaki, who suddenly held Hara’s hand as he quickened his pace, walking away from them.

"D-Don’t listen to them, dude," Yamazaki muttered, pretending that he hadn’t heard anything, gradually slowing down. "They’re just jealous because, uh…"

He hoped that Hara would bruise those comments off like he’d done before. And, once again, he hadn’t been wrong; Hara ignored them as if they had been nothing. Yamazaki then turned to his boyfriend for a moment, only to meet his piercing gaze and a kind smile, a wave of relief running through his body.

"Because we’re closer than they’ll ever be with a guy?" Hara snorted, picking some money from one of his pockets.

They both laughed it off, Hara patting Yamazaki’s back, it being one of his many displays of affection. The girls from before, as well as other students, stared at them as if they were some strangers, muttering some things inbetween. Hara had decided to ignore that too, clinging to Yamazaki as they made their way to the canteen.

Despite that, if Hara had truly chose to ignore his classmate’s insults and their harassing comments and complaints by himself; if he’d chose to change himself that year, and attempt to improve his social skills, all by himself, then Yamazaki wouldn’t complain. Yamazaki believed in Hara, and was willing to help him if he couldn’t completely overcome his anxiety. 

Even if he didn’t know the truth behind it.

···

The school’s rooftop had never been one of Yamazaki’s favorite places. Despite it being a quiet place to have lunch at, and him being able to witness the city in which he lived from it, Yamazaki had never quite liked it. He wasn’t afraid of heights, but the dim silence which wandered around the roof unsettled him, and didn’t quite like that place’s lonely feel. Yamazaki, however, did like the view from the rooftop, quickly spotting his home from that height, and how different the rooftop was from the canteen’s busy, blatant atmosphere.

He couldn’t help but wonder how Hara felt about it. Being Hara someone who often found peace at small, quiet spaces in which he could relax, Yamazaki had quickly supposed that Hara would like the rooftop, that he’d never been at such place before. Yamazaki gave Hara a lukewarm smile as they stepped towards the fences surrounding it, their fingers grazing each others’. It didn’t took Hara too long to return Yamazaki’s smile, followed by a soft giggle.

They witnessed the city’s sky together, Yamazaki soon spotting the Sun above a neighborhood as Hara leaned against one of the fences, sipping on his juice. There wasn’t anybody but them. Had they arrived too early, or had Hanamiya and the others suddenly changed their plans, Yamazaki wondered, his forest-green eyes reflecting the sky above them, him standing still as Hara drank, said teen progressively lowering his body.

It had reminded Yamazaki of Hara’s eyes. Of course, he couldn’t compare them to the sky itself, being himself terrible when it came down to poetry and metaphores. Complimenting Hara about them also wouldn’t work, as Yamazaki would stutter as he spoke, often being unable to finish his sentence, thus leaving a confused Hara behind and embarrassing himself. Plus, in Yamazaki’s eyes, Hara wasn’t good with compliments, often claiming that he wasn’t worth it, all of this while turning to the side and showing a weak smile and a reddened face.

Yamazaki lowered his head, stiff, groaning as he wished that he could say something to break that silence. The grip on his bentou box seemed to weaken, and he felt Hara stare at him, perhaps wondering why his boyfriend hadn’t sat down yet. 

It wasn’t until Yamazaki thought about something to say -asking Hara about the English Grammar class- that the silence broke, because _someone_ had to open the door, being that someone Hanamiya himself, followed by the other boys. They all quickly made their way towards the fence, Seto leaning against it and Furuhashi sitting besides Hara. 

A silent Hanamiya then slammed Yamazaki’s back, having him break free from his thoughts and almost trip, sharply walking towards the fence afterwards.

"Was that needed, you brat!?" The redhead howled as he sat down, obviously angered. Hell, he could even feel the pain spread throughout his body. Seto and Hara’s giggles upon his reaction didn’t lessen the pain.

Hanamiya simply smirked at him, and sat in front of the boys as he held a chocolate bar. 100% cacao, as usual. Yamazaki had always wondered how he could handle something that bitter, often speculating that it had to do with his own personality. He turned to Hara for a moment, and found himself amazed at the fact that Hara seemed to be paying attention to Hanamiya this time.

"Ignore him," Hanamiya’s smirk faded, and he took a deep breath, his features softening. "Anyway, you may know that the Interhigh’s preliminaries will begin on the 12th next month."

"Yeah," Seto stretched his arms as he let out a groan. "You mentioned something concerning the Golden Week yesterday-"

"Are we going on a training camp?" Hara excitedly asked, grinning and finishing his juice afterwards. Yamazaki loved seeing him like that. "It would be cool, du- captain!"

Furuhashi snickered, something fairly unusual on him. Given his apathy, Yamazaki had compared him multiple times to a fridge, declaring that they were both cold. Hara’s words had also seemed to drag a cackle from both Hanamiya and Seto, seeing as how the both of them had smirked after Hara’s interruption.

Hara’s words had too broke the sense of insecurity and the pressure which Hanamiya had brought with himself. Yamazaki, however, hadn’t sensed such things, perhaps because he’d been distracted the moment Hanamiya had shown up.

"He ruined it," Furuhashi showed a faint smile, only to gaze at Hara afterwards. "Seems like we’re going to Hachioji this year."

"Wait, wasn’t Hachioji a location on a game?" Hara interrupted, turning to Yamazaki. Furuhashi lowered his head, sighing, and Hanamiya tried to keep calm, knowing how much Yamazaki and Hara’s conversations pissed him off.

"No, that’s Kichioji you’re talking about, dude."

"Y-Yeah,"  Hara waved his finger at Yamazaki, delighted. "Knew I’ve heard that name somewhere."

They laughed, as a soft breeze ran through the rooftop. Their teammates, with the exception of Hanamiya, didn’t seem annoyed by their talk.

Clearing his throat, Hanamiya shifted the boys’ attention towards him, clearly tired of Hara and Yamazaki’s mumbling. The two of them didn’t know how to feel towards that. Yamazaki crossed his legs and leaned forward, pouting, fixing his eyes on his captain, who took a deep breath before proceeding.

"…As Kojiro stated before, we’re gonna stay at Hachioji this time," Hanamiya scratched one of his eyebrows, his breath gradually slowing down as he relaxed. "We’ll stay there from the 28th to the 4th, at a place nearby Mount Takao-"

"Wait!" Hara snapped upon hearing “Takao”, thus interrupting Hanamiya once again. "Wasn’t Shuutoku on Hachioji?"

Hanamiya clicked his tongue, keeping himself from yelling at his teammate. Yamazaki wished he could laugh it off, but not when Hara had interrupted Hanamiya for a second time in a row. Yamazaki then looked around himself: Hara’s interruption hadn’t seemed to bother Furuhashi or Seto the least.

He joined his hands together as if he was praying, hoping that Hanamiya wouldn’t rant or get angry at Hara. And his prayers were soon answered.

"If you break in again, I’ll have you make three-pointers until midnight."

Seeing Hanamiya keep his cool like that had intimidated Yamazaki. Usually, he would’ve lost his temper and have Hara leave the scene, or simply ranted at Hara in front of the boys, even going too far sometimes. But that was only the Hanamiya which Yamazaki knew; cold and rigid, relying on laps and three-pointers to punish his teammates if any of them made a mistake, never hiding his sadistic goals.

However, Yamazaki had felt like that, lately, Hanamiya’s behavior had softened up. Not simply towards Hara, but towards the entire team as well. Practice still was unbearable at times, and Hanamiya’s demands were still rigorous, being the only difference that he’d started paying more attention to his teammates. Not only Hanamiya replied to their questions more often, but he’d also had some of them leave practice whether they’d gotten tired. Hanamiya had also stopped snapping at Hara and Yamazaki, often attempting to keep his cool.

Yamazaki knew that he behaved like that given his position as a coach, but it still seemed suspicious to him. There was obviously something which he didn’t know.

"Fine, captain," Hara giggled, shiny eyes hidden behind a layer of silky hair. Yamazaki thought his laugh was beautiful. "Sorry, I’m just too excited."

"Anyway..." Hanamiya took yet another deep breath. His composed behavior had truly surprised Yamazaki. " I’ll be discussing some small details at Kentaro’s home, since his brother will be helping us, so we’ll be late to practice. You’re free to come if you want."

Perhaps Yamazaki could ask Hanamiya about his strange behavior then.

···

_That evening, Hanamiya and Seto are late because they were discussing something about the training camp. I wanted to ask Hanamiya if it was fine for me and Hara to work on our project; however, I expected nothing but a negative response coming from that brat._

_Ask him, please. I’m sure Hanamiya isn’t completely an asshole._

···

Seemingly inspired by the sukiya-zukuri architectural style, Seto’s home was located near the outskirts of their town. Despite its traditional-looking outdoors, its rooms were beautifully furnished, owning some of the most recent technology, which soon awoke Yamazaki’s envy. Yamazaki’s family could too afford expensive furniture, but his parents had always been thrifty, mean at times, lending money to anybody but Yamazaki himself.

Seto had nearly everything which Yamazaki wanted to. Intelligence, respectful parents, a sibling that wasn’t an asshole towards him, and maybe more liberty than he had. Seto’s room was also quite spacious, almost doubling Yamazaki’s, which gave him yet another reason to be envious. Visiting Seto’s home had even felt like masochism at times.

With the exception that Yamazaki didn’t own a ridiculously small ukulele decorated with a flower pattern, placed on a luxurious-looking desk, which stood out beneath of Seto’s voluptuous belongings. Of course, Yamazaki couldn’t compare his bed to Seto’s, nor complain about Seto’s room, given the fact that his was barely clean. That ukulele was the only exception.

"Yama?" Hanamiya shook his head at him and rose an eyebrow, turning back to his phone afterwards. "Thought you weren’t interested."

"I… guess I am," Yamazaki stuttered, avoiding eye contact as much as possible, as he made his way into Seto’s room.

"I’ll let you skip practice this time," he smirked, his features softening as he slowly leaned backwards on Seto’s bed, soon lying on it. "Kentaro’s speaking with his brother right now, so if there’s anything you’d like to ask, go for it."

Yamazaki could ask Hanamiya anything, the reason as to why he behaved like he lived at Seto’s home being the first. He could question Hanamiya about his behavior straight away; however, Yamazaki soon declined such possibility, as he’d felt like Hanamiya’s replies could lead him into revealing the letter and having to confess everything to someone he wasn’t that confident with.

Plus, there was other thing which Yamazaki wanted to ask, and which he’d considered nearby as important as Hanamiya’s behavior. He eyed Hanamiya as he sat on one of the bedroom’s swivel chairs, resting his back on it. Before saying anything, Yamazaki peeked at Seto’s desk: perfectly tidy and organised, it was completely different from Yamazaki’s, which always had multiple manga volumes on it and never seemed to be clean.

He wanted to change that about himself too.

"Well, there’s actually something..." Yamazaki turned towards Hanamiya, who lied nonchalantly on Seto’s bed as if it was his own. "The training camp’s from the 28th to the 4th, right?

"Yeah. Any complaints?"

"I, uh, have to write an English thing with Hara, and it’s due the 6th next month," Yamazaki paused for a moment, showing a rigid stance as he took a deep breath, rising his eyebrows. "I-It’s not that important, I mean, Hara’s got amazing grades on-"

"It’s fine," he yawned back, gradually rising from the bed, followed by a groan and him scratching his hair. "You two are key players on this team, but I won’t force you to practice if you need to work on a project. Besides, there’s still a while until the preliminaries."

Yamazaki nodded, indifferent. He’d initially thought that Hanamiya would laugh it off, adding that they had to practice as hard as the rest of the players, no matter how important that project was. Either his idea of Hanamiya wasn’t anything like his true self, or Yamazaki had simply judged him based off some yells and after-practice punishments. Yamazaki couldn’t decide at the moment. If anything, his view of Hanamiya wasn’t completely warped.

Yamazaki grabbed his phone to message Hara, who had earlier arrived at practice. He wished that he could just leave that household, but knowing Seto and his relatives, and how strict they looked, he couldn’t walk away like that, simply waving at them. Perhaps Seto’s family wasn’t as respectful as Yamazaki had thought them to be.

"Are you perhaps messaging Kazuya?" Hanamiya rose his head, mildly interested.

"Uh. Thought it would be nice to tell him."

"Speaking about Kazuya, I heard some nasty things at the hall before," Hanamiya’s words caught Yamazaki’s attention almost immediately, quickly turning to his captain. The black-haired man then cackled for some reason unknown to Yamazaki. " _Honestly_."

"Honestly?" Yamazaki scowled, leaning forward as he stopped the chair from spinning. "I know some people there can be total dicks, but-"

"He’s got perfect grades on English and those wimps keep making pointless comments about him," Hanamiya clicked his tongue, clearly annoyed. "Should’ve had a talk with them afterwards-"

"Actually, Hara didn’t pay any attention to them. He just made a bunch of comments and… Sort of bruised it off."

"I see," he smirked, placing his phone besides him as he stretched his legs.

"I’ve gotta say, it really surprised me," Yamazaki licked his lips, joining his trembling hands together. He felt Hanamiya fix his gaze on his as he spoke. "Last week he seemed kind of pessimistic to me, and now he’s all happy-go-lucky. I should feel happy for him, you know, but-"

"You’re worrying too much, Yama," Hanamiya complained. "He’s doing good, and that’s what matters. If you’re really worried, though, you can always ask him."

For a moment, Yamazaki thought that Hanamiya would be saying something besides that. However, Hanamiya had done that many times before, so Yamazaki couldn’t complain about it. His words just now had seemed kind of suspicious to Yamazaki, given his firm tone and that abrupt ending. Sometimes, Yamazaki had even suspected that Hanamiya knew something which he didn’t, given his softer attitude towards him and Hara.

It wasn’t like Yamazaki wanted to ask him.

***

A sudden obstruction had caught them in the middle of the road, when they were supposed to hurry towards their destination. Surrounded by honks and yells, and unable to ignore the carbon’s rotten smell, it seemed like they would never arrive at their destination, Hara’s home. Hanamiya didn’t seem any amused, ignoring those noises as he drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. Either Hanamiya was keeping himself from exploding, or his patience had increased over the years.

Him drumming his fingers had reminded Yamazaki of Hara’s habits. He would drum them against anything, ranging from tables to their own teammates’ shoulders, claiming that it made him feel at ease. At the same time, Yamazaki got reminded of many of Hara’s habits, as well as the boy himself, and how he sometimes had snapped at Hara because of him being unable to bear something as simple as a boy chewing gum.

It made him feel rather nostalgic. Having gotten used to those feelings of grief and melancholy, Yamazaki looked around himself, witnessing all the cars on the highway and the buildings towards them, only to lower his head again. Depression hadn’t hit him as hard as other times, but it was there, and Yamazaki still did next to nothing about it; only engage in distracting activities until those feelings faded, and endure it until it completely broke him inside.

"Hanamiya," he muttered on a crumbly voice, shifting his eyes towards the smaller man. "You… You think I could’ve done something?"

"About what?" Hanamiya’s voice was cold, and Yamazaki knew that he’d already figured out his question.

" _Hara_."

Hanamiya already knew it, yet he chose to not reply, and Yamazaki knew why. Yamazaki felt like he’d probably bothered Hanamiya with all his questions and talk about Hara, but he had a good reason to behave like that. He had dozens of reasons to miss Hara, and to be angry at himself, despite it having been ten years since Hara’s death.

Hanamiya closed his eyes, then sighed and opened them again. Yamazaki wanted to apologize to him, for having ruined a nice, quiet mood with his questions. Perhaps he was exaggerating about Hara, and how his loss had affected him. It was nothing but one of his many inner struggles, with the exception that it wasn’t easy to deal with.

"I’ve already told you, Yama..." he clicked his tongue, and looked in front of him, waiting for the obstruction to advance. "It wasn’t your fault that he died."

"I know. And I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty," Yamazaki’s tone turned harsh, his fingers trembling as he spoke. He really didn’t want to break down there. "But, for some reason, I feel like I could’ve done something to help him."

"We all could’ve done something, Yama," Hanamiya sighed once again, frowning. "So stop putting all the blame on yourself. You did nothing, therefore there’s no need for you to apologize."

Yamazaki withdrew his gaze from him, concerned. Everything which Hanamiya had just said was true, yet Yamazaki kept blaming himself for every small mistake. And the thought of him and his bad choices having been the reason behind Hara’s death haunted him to no end. He wished that he could just have a peaceful day, without worrying about whether he’d hurt Hara years ago.

And, when he thought about it, Yamazaki recognized that he’d hurt Hara many times before. He’d snapped at Hara after his first suicide attempt, scolding him and even claiming that he’d been selfish for having tried to kill himself. Yamazaki had also said hurtful things to Hara after being unable to keep his cool, often unaware of the fact that he’d hurt the one who used to be his partner and beloved one.

Yamazaki truly wanted to apologize. Not only to Hara, but to his former teammates and Hara’s relatives as well. Anything to decrease his guilt. With the exception that, when it came down to Hara’s family, he wasn’t quite ready.

"Hanamiya, bein’ honest, I don’t think I can-"

"Kazuya’s parents aren’t angry at you, neither are his siblings," Hanamiya groaned, firmly holding the steering wheel, ready to step on the throttle once the obstruction ended. "Nobody’s putting the blame on you."

And Yamazaki knew. He _knew_ well that nobody had blamed him for Hara’s death, nor thought it had been his fault. But the guilt just wouldn’t go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to explore the Hanamiya/Yamazaki dynamics, even if it's just a little bit, since I feel like they don't really have a nice relationship on canon, given how Hanamiya told him to shut up during the Touou match, and that rude reply on the prologue. There'll also be some Hara/Hanamiya moments once I get to Hanamiya's POV, which shouldn't take me too long.
> 
> This only took me two days to finish, and I edited a bit. But only a tiny bit. So feel free t


	5. shingo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamazaki figures out stuff, and tries to be a good boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this morning I had an amazing exam. I took this long to update because of it, and because of a terrible depressive episode which could've ended me.
> 
> Anyway, I changed a bunch of stuff. Quotation marks, new title (based off a movie's), new description, updated tags, and I'm not angry at tikkilanka anymore.

**May 1st.**

_Since you spent the last day improving your shots, Hanamiya gave you permission to rest that morning. Thus, you focus on your English project along with Hara._

_Nothing unusual happens today. Hara seems to be on a nice mood, until that evening, when he’s sent to a conbini. When he came back, that nice mood had turned into shit, and he refused to talk._

_Today, I want you to follow Hara to the conbini and try to figure out exactly what happened to him. I know you can do something about it._

_And no matter what happens. Never ask Hara about middle school._

···

Yamazaki nearly overslept that day. Given Hanamiya’s unbearable schedules, and how he’d nearly forced Yamazaki to stay up until midnight, it hadn’t been any surprise. Neither to him, nor to Hara, who’d woke him up by ruffling his hair.

As usual, the letter had been right about Hara’s mood, and the fact that Hanamiya had allowed them to focus on their project that day. Yamazaki had, once again, found Hanamiya’s actions rather suspicious. Perhaps Yamazaki had gotten way too used to Hanamiya’s sadistic behavior, to the point he couldn’t imagine him showing any ethics. However, it was written on the letter; therefore, it couldn’t be a lie.

Maybe there was a side to Hanamiya which neither Yamazaki nor any of the boys knew about. Maybe, behind all those layers of bitterness, there was a man who genuinely cared about people around him, and who enjoyed life like anyone else. Maybe there was more to him than sadistic intentions and a cold personality. Maybe there was a truth yet to bloom; a truth which little were aware of.

But that was none of Yamazaki’s business. His goal wasn’t to discover the truth behind Hanamiya’s persona, but to save Hara from his upcoming death.

“I keep telling you, Zaki”, Hara pouted, holding a notebook in front of him, chewing gum as usual. “If the guy’s inside the building, why do you keep using ‘on’?”

The both of them casually sat around Yamazaki’s futon, legs crossed and their bodies slightly leaning forward, surrounded by a quantity of stationery and soft-drinks to help them push through their homework. It was relatively early, and, along the sunlight, Yamazaki could feel soft, lukewarm breezes enter the room, caressing his and Hara’s bodies. And Hara happened to be shortless in front of him, Yamazaki witnessing his fair skin and burly arms, while the redhead himself wore a yukata provided by the lodging.

Yamazaki couldn’t quite complain about the sight before him, even if Hara’s build seemed to be rather exaggerated for a boy his age. Hara’s beauty, however, didn’t lie solely on his body.

“Sorry, my bad”, Yamazaki tittered as he turned towards Hara, showing an endearing smile which he’d hoped would comfort him.

Having Hanamiya coach him during late hours sure hadn’t been a good choice, and it hadn’t took Yamazaki any long to acknowledge it. He hadn’t fell asleep until nearly 1 in the morning, despite him yearning for a nice rest; and, when he looked back, Yamazaki felt like as if he’d forced himself to fall asleep, instead of merely relaxing and hoping for dreams to embrace him.

So, it was no wonder as to why he’d spent, if not most, the entire morning spacing out, hardly focusing on his tasks and nearly slipping at the bathroom earlier. Yamazaki had also felt like Hara had noticed his drowsiness, as the purple-haired teen, whoses hair dye had begun to fade into a timberwolf-like hue, had assisted him whether he’d felt like Yamazaki had been about to trip. All of this had been followed by a plentiful of yawns, and Hara modestly nipping his cheek in an attempt to wake him up.

Witnessing Hara’s eyes hadn’t helped at all. While it had helped Yamazaki brighten up, he’d just found himself lost once again, now in Hara’s gaze, fully engaged by those sky blue eyes. Their homework session had started like that, and, despite Yamazaki having noticed a certain uneasiness on Hara’s stare, removing his gaze from his was a more rigorous task than Yamazaki had thought it to be. And he’d already spent a good twenty minutes like that.

Hara’s eyes were so different from Yamazaki’s own freckles, which he thought were nothing but unpleasant spots spread all over his face and back. Yamazaki thought the same of his own eyes, being them an ominous forest green color which he thought was nothing special. And learning to love himself and appreciate even his most despised features was something which Yamazaki had yet to work in.

“But, being honest,” Yamazaki lowered his head, only to shift his gaze towards Hara’s once again, “we should finish this thing before we start looking for mistakes. I-I mean, it’s just two paragraphs. Two more of these, and we’ll be done.”

Hara ceased talking for a moment, quickly looking away from Yamazaki as he flapped one of his feet. Most of the times at which Yamazaki had seen Hara either flap his feet or drum his fingers against some surface, had been either when Hara had gone thoughtful, or when he found himself on a nice mood.

Yamazaki still didn’t know why such things happened that frequently, nor he wanted to ask, as perhaps those kind of questions would upset Hara. But it couldn’t be something bad, he thought.

“Eh, that sounds neat, Zaki,” Hara beamed, turning to him for a split second only for his gaze to shift towards the sheets again. During that second, Yamazaki felt like as if his heart had skipped a beat.

“Also-” Yamazaki cupped his chin, as if he’d gone thoughtful himself, “do you remember what we were supposed to do with the ending?”

“I think it was supposed to be an original one,” he now chewed on his nails, seemingly never ceasing flapping his feet. “Like, it doesn’t matter if we kill the guy or if he lives or whatever happens. After all, it’s all about the grammar.”

“Still, we should aim for a creative one,” Yamazaki reached for one of the cans, opening it as soon as he grabbed it. “Feel like improving my English grades a little bit.”

“You’re already damn good at English, Zaki,” he picked one of the many pencils scattered all over the floor, supposedly turning towards Yamazaki afterwards. “Remember the finals? You scored pretty damn high on both English exams.”

“But you still scored higher than me. Plus, I had to study my ass off,” the redhead groaned back as he left the can alongside himself, his features shifting into angered ones, with noticeable creases around his nose. “And that’s worth saying, considering we still had to attend practice and my brothers were being pricks to me all the time.”

The breezes ceased, the team’s room glowing white, most of their futons unmade but Hanamiya’s, which Yamazaki had soon noticed after he’d woke up. Along it, Yamazaki had also observed numerous yukata and underwear spread throughout the room, only a few of them folded, including Hanamiya’s.

If Yamazaki could only focus on his homework and studies like he did with such small details like those, then his parents would perhaps appreciate him. That’s how Yamazaki felt towards them. Even if he tried his best, even if he got amazing grades by himself, witnessing his parents almost ignore them made him feel like his efforts were useless. To this day, Yamazaki kept on wishing he could’ve been like all the gifted kids around him; like Seto or Hanamiya themselves.

If only appreciating himself were as easy as comparing himself and his efforts to other people’s.

“Y-Yeah, I beat you by ten points.”

“And you got a fucking 98. You scored first on the ranking!” he unconsciously rose his voice, unaware of Hara’s uneasiness. “How come you don’t feel proud of yourself? It’s almost a 100! I would freak out if I ever got such a high grade.”

“Zaki,” Hara complained, lowering both his arms and head at the same time. “You scored 100 on Biology last time. Dunno why you don’t feel proud of yourself instead.”

And Yamazaki knew, by just witnessing Hara’s stance, that he’d made his boyfriend uncomfortable. It had annoyed him. It had never been beneath his intentions to annoy him, or make him feel uncomfortable in some sort of way. But Yamazaki’s impulsiveness had, once again, led him into making the worst choices.

“Anyway, about the finale…” Yamazaki yawned, exhausted from last night’s schedule, tiny tears forming on his eyes as he stretched his arms. He wanted to pretend he hadn’t just done that. “We should probably go for something light. You know what our teacher thinks about death and all that stuff, right?”

“Sure!” Hara rose his head and removed locks of hair from his face, something unusual on him, revealing that bright blue gaze which always fascinated Yamazaki. “If we killed the guy, or just fucked around with him, she would faint. And Team Hi-Chew’s score would plummet!”

“Team Hi-Chew…” Yamazaki mouthed, scowling, secretly holding a giggle.

The sound of the room’s shoji abruptly sliding startled them, both teens turning their heads at once, only to witness a tall, slim figure which they soon recognized. While Hara turned back towards the notebook, carelessly playing with a pencil, Yamazaki sighed in relief. 

“It could’ve been Hanamiya”, Yamazaki thought, with a face that suggested wicked intentions rather than ease, staring at Seto and his businessman-like hairstyle.

Seto simply eyed them, the two of them discussing ideas while he looked for something on his bag. And both Hara and Yamazaki wanted to avoid making an amusing comment about his sleeping mask or whatever Seto had brought with him this time, knowing that Seto would be unaffected by it and would quickly brush it off.

“You two doing good?” Seto asked, a towel carefully placed over his shoulder.

Again, the only one to turn towards him was Yamazaki, who rose his head and nodded, glad that Seto had asked. People like Hanamiya or Furuhashi wouldn’t have done such a thing, not even if forced to, given their personalities. To Yamazaki, Seto had never been that much of an ass.

“Yeah,” Yamazaki cheerfully replied, his lack of confidence suddenly gone. “We’ve been coming up with wonderful ideas, and Hara’s writing skills are exceptional. I’m certain we’re gonna ace this!”

He then turned to Hara, who looked more flattered than ever. Yamazaki loved that particular look on his face: the way in which Hara covered his mouth, one of his hands sloppily covering it, along his cherry-dyed cheeks, gave him a lovely look. A few positiveness couldn’t hurt; especially when it had to do with a project.

Yamazaki, who instead of debating whether Hara’s response would embarrass them, showed him an endearing gaze, feeling some sort of warmth run through his body, as if they’d just hugged each other. Seto, who’d now fixed his eyes on their notebook, seemingly reading whatever Hara had written down, showed a delighted look. He wasn’t Hanamiya after all, nor he was the kind of person to laugh at such things.

“I’m glad,” Seto blinked, nonchalantly squatting next to Hara, whoses cheeks quickly returned to their usual milky-white tone. “Anyway, Kazuya, would you mind if I took a look at your writing?”

“Sure man, go for it,” Hara handled him the notebook almost immediately, surrounding Yamazaki with his arm afterwards, to which the redhead replied by beaming back.

After snatching the notebook from Hara, Seto spent quite a while turning each page, carefully reading the text, almost as if he were analyzing it. To Yamazaki, it felt like as if Seto were their own teacher correcting their project, seeing as how soon the teen fixed his gaze on the sheets. He felt like he was being judged right there, by someone whoses intelligence and knowledge far surpassed that of a teacher’s. 

At least, Hanamiya wasn’t the one lecturing them.

Surprisingly, Hara remained silent throughout the whole analysis, leaning closer to Yamazaki, as if he craved a hug or some sort of affection. And, if he were to be honest, Yamazaki would totally hug Hara on the spot; but not with Seto right in front of them, checking their homework.

“Hey, this is neat,” Seto smiled, handling the notebook back to Hara, who snatched it on a second. The both of them were surprised. “There are some minor grammar mistakes, but it’s still splendid. Plus, it has a solid plot, and it seems like you two have worked a lot on it.”

“Y-You think!?” Yamazaki grinned, almost unable to believe Seto’s words. He then felt the firm touch of Hara’s fingers against his arm, as if his boyfriend had too found Seto’s words unbelievable.

Yamazaki felt some sort of unknown anxiety, closer to excitement. And he thanked the gods again for it having been Seto instead of Hanamiya or Furuhashi. That kind of praise was still sort of foreign to him, being Yamazaki one who hardly ever believed in himself and his potential.

“Completely,” Seto stepped towards the shoji again, his grin never fading. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you ranked first out of your entire classroom.”

And then, he left as if he hadn’t been there, leaving both Hara and Yamazaki in awe. The room turned silent for a couple seconds, with Hara holding the notebook as if it were one of his many priceless possessions. Yamazaki simply stared, shocked, at the shoji, as Seto slid it closed. His inferiority complex towards Seto was still there, and unless Yamazaki worked on it, it would never go away. But Yamazaki forgot about it for a split second.

In any moment Seto had sounded like he’d been lying to them. Seto had been honest, having meticulously read and enjoyed their writing. And Yamazaki knew this, because Seto wasn’t Hanamiya. Despite his sporadic sarcasm and how indifferent he could be, Seto wasn’t a jerk like Hanamiya was. For Yamazaki, he was way more sofisticated than their captain could ever be.

Yamazaki found his thoughts interrupted when something weak patted his shoulder. It was Hara, who’d quickly rose his hand, which Yamazaki immediately assumed was him asking for a high-five. And a high-five he got, Yamazaki rapidly clapping his hand against Hara’s, the striking sound reverberating throughout the whole room, the redhead soon regretting having used that much strength.

Then, he found it. As Hara slowly lowered his hand, his fingers trembling from the intensity of Yamazaki’s hit, the both of them witnessed each other’s smiles. And, unlike some times before, when Yamazaki had thought he’d witnessed an ounce of pain on Hara’s smirks, there wasn’t anything like that. It was a genuine smile, followed by a charming gaze and a soft snort which quickly reached Yamazaki’s heart.

He would never get tired of Hara’s smile.

···

Getting Hanamiya’s permission in order to follow Hara to the conbini was easy. Him not cackling upon Yamazaki’s request, apparently, was unavoidable. Despite that, Hanamiya, for some reason, still agreed with Yamazaki’s suggestion, which truly surprised him. Once again, Yamazaki became suspectful of Hanamiya’s behavior, but that feeling quickly vanished.

“You don’t need to do this, Zaki,” Hara pouted. Yamazaki vaguely eyed him, wondering if following him had been the right choice. “See, Hana-chan gave me a list with all the stuff I need to buy. Don’t need any help.”

“W-Well…” Yamazaki panicked, looking for a cheap excuse to justify his existence. “You may still forget something. Also, someone’s gotta help you if you buy too much.”

“Guess you’re right,” Hara turned smug for a moment.

That conbini was no different from any which Yamazaki had seen before. He could perfectly recall his middle school days, when he would hang out at the closest conbini with his teammates after school, unaware of all the stress which high school would bring him.

History would eventually repeat itself at high school. Except his new teammates weren’t as enthusiast about it as his old ones were. Hanging out with Hara was enough for Yamazaki: he had to admit that some of his new classmates were disturbing. Not to mention that Hanamiya’s presence often ruined a nice mood, and so did his comments.

At least Yamazaki could deem his former teammates as “normal”.

“And what exactly do you have to buy? Like, junk food, drinks and stuff like that?” Yamazaki carried a shopping cart besides Hara, who seemed to be analyzing each shelf. “I mean, the lodging already supplies us with cheap meals, so I don’t think-”

“Hana-chan told me he would cook for us once we finished our project,” Hara stopped in front of the meat section, carefully looking at each product.

“Hanamiya will…” Yamazaki paused for a moment, his features shifting into shocked, slightly angered ones. “ _What!?_ ”

“Tone it down, dude!” Hara hushed him, pressing his lips together, and Yamazaki could perfectly tell that his yell had annoyed him. “The guy already writes us a load of diet and exercise sheets. Why’re you surprised?”

“But that’s because he’s, well, our coach,” he looked away and sighed, seemingly unable to calm himself. “There’s a difference between coaching and straight up treating us like fucking children.”

“Yeah, gotta say that Hana-chan’s been acting like a mama lately,” Hara reached for one of the pork packs in front of him. “Anyway, you think Hana-chan could make us tonkatsu?”

Hearing that single word nearly lifted up his mood. But knowing that Hanamiya, precisely Hanamiya would be the one cooking for them, and not Furuhashi like it had always been during their training camps, discouraged him for some reason. Not that Hanamiya was that bad at cooking, though.

“I-I mean, I love tonkatsu, but…” Yamazaki’s expression remained wretched through their whole exchange, clumsily eyeing the pork packs before him. “ _Hanamiya?_ I wouldn’t mind, but if you think about it, it’s damn weird.”

But Hara wasn’t listening to him. And Yamazaki soon noticed this after turning his gaze towards him, and witnessing a disturbed-looking Hara before himself. The boy had already dropped one of the pork packs in their cart, yet his fingers were restless, shaking as though he’d seen a ghost. Yamazaki had noticed that, and that, unlike his fingers, his body remained still, barely moving, as if time had stopped for him like in one of Yamazaki’s favorite manga.

Time hadn’t stopped for Yamazaki, though, neither the conbini’s atmosphere had frozen for him. For Yamazaki, time flowed as it did, people walking inside and outside the store, and him gazing at Hara as the boy observed something -someone in front of him. Yamazaki felt like it had to do with the letter’s warning from before, and Hara’s upcoming mood swing as well. Despite this, he chose to ignore it, as he would’ve always done.

Perhaps Hara still had to put some thought on their work. Or, perhaps, the person which he’d suddenly fixed his gaze on was someone he knew, and Hara wanted to greet them on some way. Yamazaki wanted to say something, to tell Hara that they still had to buy a bunch of things; maybe Hara had forgotten and Yamazaki would have to remind him multiple times before he completely recalled.

Hara’s sudden behavior was, somehow, frightening him.

“Hara?” He felt his lips dry up, his breaths hastening as he reached for Hara’s shoulder, fingers dedicately grasping his t-shirt’s fabric.

But Hara didn’t reply. He just stood there, almost frozen on the spot, as the figure before them stepped closer to them, its presence growing with each step. And Yamazaki peeked as if he were hiding behind Hara, grounding himself, trying to soften up his breath, wondering what the fuck was going on with him.

Whatever it was, it couldn’t be that bad. That person couldn’t be the devil incarnate like Hanamiya was; for Yamazaki, there couldn’t be anybody worse than Hanamiya, or his own siblings. In fact, they didn’t even look that terrifying: they had the appearance of a down-to-earth person, perhaps a high schooler like them. Perhaps Hara was exaggerating after all.

Yamazaki hadn’t considered the fact that said person could be the culprit behind Hara’s mood swing later that day.

"It’s been a while," the boy spoke, a sharp smile which soon reminded Yamazaki of Hanamiya’s, looking at Hara as if he were an old friend of his, “Kazuya.”

And Yamazaki chose to dash in, knowing that Hara would be pissed at him afterwards, and knowing that he wasn’t showing any manners.

“Uh, excuse me…” Yamazaki revealed himself, dragging the cart closer, and felt Hara’s piercing eyes as he turned towards that person. “How come you know Hara’s name?”

Yamazaki was certain that he hadn’t seen that person before. His first assumption had been that him and Hara had once been childhood friends, or perhaps met during either elementary or middle school. Besides, he didn’t look that suspicious at all: even if his grin resembled Hanamiya’s, he couldn’t be that wicked. And, even if he happened to be another brat, his attitude couldn’t be close to the Bad Boy’s.

On the other side, he’d called Hara by his given name. While Yamazaki didn’t consider such a thing to be a bad sign -given that’s the same Hanamiya did with Seto-, it still felt certainly suspicious.

He shifted his eyes towards Hara’s for a moment, only to fix them on the boy before them afterwards. Hara still hadn’t said anything, nor he’d moved at all; he stood there, as if he were spacing out, his skin progressively turning pale as the boys before him spoke to each other.

“My bad,” the boy’s features softened, leaving a couple bags on the floor, gently tilting his head as he joined his palms together. Yamazaki didn’t like that goody-two-shoes’ smile of his. “I’m Shingo Nakahara. Kazuya and I went to the same middle school, and it’s been about four years since we’ve met for the last time.”

“Middle school?” Yamazaki’s eyebrows twitched. Really, that guy didn’t seem like a bad person; however, his quiet, well-mannered behavior was upsettling. It wasn’t somebody which Yamazaki would trust.

And then, Hara stepped in on a heartbeat, clutching both his hands in fists as if he were to pick a fight. But Yamazaki knew that it wasn’t a fight what he looked for; it was one of the few ways in which Hara kept himself from lashing out. Yamazaki heard him take a deep breath and stood back, watching over their goods -a bunch of pork packs weren’t that important, though- as Hara confronted the boy himself.

It gave Yamazaki a bad feeling. He probably shouldn’t have broken in after all. Nevertheless, he almost demanded to know who the boy was, and his possible connection with Hara.

“It’s true that we haven’t seen each other for a while, Shingo,” Hara muttered, not willing to make any eye contact. Yamazaki could only witness their talk, asking himself if that Shingo guy’s presence had been what the letter had warned him of.

“If you ask me, four years ain’t that long,” Shingo blinked, showing himself as a well-mannered teen. Yamazaki could tell, however, that behind those manners there lied a mildly vicious man. Nobody which behaved that way could be trusted upon. “Mind introducing me to that kid next to you?”

“ _Kid!?_ ”, Yamazaki mouthed to himself, amazed at Shingo’s words. He wouldn’t have minded calling Shingo a brat back.

“He’s Yamazaki,” Hara paused for a moment, still looking away. “A friend of mine.”

His voice, broken and lower than usual, and the way in which he’d referred to him as nothing more than a friend, shocked Yamazaki. His theory of Shingo being the letter’s warning, which he’d just made up moments ago, now started making sense.

However, for him there couldn’t be someone as disturbing as Hanamiya was. Yamazaki couldn’t imagine Shingo, a guy which he’d just met, harming somebody both physically and mentally only to fulfil some weird sadist goals. He couldn’t think of Shingo being half of the asshole which Hanamiya was. 

Life, though, was often unpredictable. And, even if the letter could predict the future, Yamazaki couldn’t.

“Glad you’re making friends!” Shingo rose his eyebrows, dragging a smile. Still, Shingo didn’t sound like someone trustworthy to Yamazaki. “That new hairstyle’s also cool. Were your parents really alright with that?”

“ _Nakahara_ ,” Hara took a deep breath, seemingly anxious to Yamazaki, who listened as if they were exchanging answers to an exam, “I don’t feel like talking right now. We… We aren’t supposed to be taking this long to shop.”

Yamazaki nodded, unsure at the same time. Shingo’s behavior had reminded him of that of Imayoshi’s, Hanamiya’s disturbing senpai which he’d never understood at all. Maybe Shingo was Hara’s own Imayoshi; or, maybe, Yamazaki’s idea of Shingo being some sort of Hanamiya ripoff was wrong.

How they hadn’t spoken of middle school yet also seemed strange. But Yamazaki couldn’t just bring up Hara’s days at middle school, aware of the letter’s warning, yet unaware of what would happen if he did. Maybe middle school was a taboo for the both of them. Maybe Hara, given his anxiety, expected Shingo to mention anything regarding middle school. Or maybe they just didn’t feel like bringing up that entire topic.

Whatever it was, Yamazaki couldn’t help but to wonder.

“My bad, my bad!” Shingo smiled, flapping his hand, as if he were apologizing.

That, just now, hadn’t sounded like an apology to Yamazaki. That kind-hearted expression of his, although respectful, didn’t seem that polite to him, since he’d seen the same kind on his siblings.

Shingo then turned towards Yamazaki, as Hara almost abruptly threw a bag of rice in their cart, as if he wanted to ignore Shingo on purpose. Yamazaki still thought of his behavior as suspicious, as if Hara and Shingo didn’t truly get along.

Perhaps Yamazaki was exaggerating about Shingo being a Hanamiya ripoff. Even if he couldn’t trust him and whichever his intentions were, Shingo didn’t look like a bad guy. Those had just been Yamazaki’s thoughts, which had most likely tricked him into thinking he wasn’t trustworthy, seeing as how he’d resembled his siblings’ behavior just now. With the exception that Shingo didn’t seem that cold.

“Anyway…” Shingo rolled his eyes, as if he’d gone thoughtful, crossing his arms. “Yamazaki, was it?”

“Y-yeah,” he rose his head, stiff shoulders, as if Shingo’s presence were menacing.

“I hope Kazuya isn’t bothering you too much,” Shingo raised his eyebrows, his expression resembling that of Hanamiya’s. Hara seemed to ignore them, as he eventually left to buy condiments by himself.

“What exactly do you mean?” Yamazaki scowled, breaking eye contact. “I mean, Hara can be an ass at times, but he’s not a nuisance. I mean, everybody on our team is kind of-”

“Don’t worry about it, Yamazaki,” he replied. “Kazuya used to be kind of a troublemaker during middle school, so I was worried it had gotten worse. I’m glad you can bear with him.”

_A troublemaker._

Yamazaki nodded. If his theory was right, then the letter had warned him of Shingo’s arrival, and how he would’ve had supposedly spoken with Hara, his words completely shifting what had once begun as a bright, quiet mood.

Except that he’d been the one to talk with Shingo instead of Hara. And, while he’d followed Hara to the conbini, Yamazaki hadn’t fully followed the letter’s steps that day; rather, he’d warped them, crashing between Shingo and Hara’s talk and making it his own. Yamazaki couldn’t tell whether it had been the right choice or not, as he’d done that by pure instinct.

“Eh… I see.”

But Yamazaki hadn’t noticed that he’d made another mistake. It wasn’t precisely a mistake, yet it had increased his doubts regarding Hara’s middle school years. Yamazaki pondered if Shingo, who’d known Hara since middle school, had anything to do with them. It was most likely, but Yamazaki’s suspicions were there, and it didn’t look like they would be leaving soon.

As the letter had requested, however, he couldn’t ask Hara at all. And Yamazaki had never been one to break the rules.

When Yamazaki didn’t notice, Shingo had already left the conbini, waving at them as he walked away from that place. Yamazaki was the only one to turn, a tad confused, taking long breaths and eventually following Hara to the counter, unaware of how early he’d finished looking for condiments and other groceries.

That talk hadn’t exactly left him shaken, but full of doubts and questions and keeping himself from asking Hara about his middle school years. Yamazaki had been left with a feeling which he couldn’t explain, curiosity and uneasiness blending together, with hastiness which could but come from himself. And the urge to ask Hara about his past had only gotten stronger, to the point it would get out of hand if Yamazaki were unable to keep an eye on it.

On the other side, Yamazaki had almost forgotten about Hara’s feelings regarding all of it.

···

From Yamazaki’s perspective, Shingo hadn’t been that bad of a person. Perhaps some of his last words had upsettled him, given his tone and that peaceful yet disturbing smile of his. However, Shingo hadn’t caused him a bad impression, neither a good one. Nothing like Hanamiya, who’d already given Yamazaki shivers the first time they met.

While he still had his doubts about Hara’s middle school experience, he kept thinking of the letter’s words.

_And no matter what happens._

_Never ask Hara about middle school._

An exaggeration. Yamazaki had thought of it as nothing but a mere exaggeration. After all, it was just middle school. Asking Hara shouldn’t be that bad, nor should leave him with more regrets than he already had. It couldn’t be anything risky, like begging Hanamiya to stop harming his opponents.

But then, Yamazaki gave it some thought. If the letter had requested him to not mention anything, then there must be a reason. His future self wouldn’t have requested such a thing without a good reason behind it.

Without any apparent reason, Yamazaki immediately linked it to Shingo, his only reason being how he’d mentioned Hara being a troublemaker during middle school. Obviously, Yamazaki couldn’t immediately assume that Shingo was the reason: he was a clue, at the very least. And Yamazaki, who’d never been the best at scheming, had thought that maybe Shingo could help him find out the truth; if they ever met again, of course.

And then, he snapped.

He’d nearly forgotten about Hara, who’d been sitting next to him and listening to music the whole time. It hadn’t been the first time in which something similar had happened to Yamazaki, as he often got distracted within his own thoughts. Hara hadn’t noticed, eyes fixed on his phone, almost ignoring his boyfriend.

Yamazaki had already followed the letter’s instructions for that day. He’d followed Hara to the conbini and found the reason behind his mood swing, and now he tried his best to not mention either Shingo or middle school to Hara. It was no easy task, and Yamazaki felt like he wouldn’t be able to keep his impulsiveness for too long. He knew himself, although not well, and knew that soon or later he would break his promise.

“Zaki?”

 _Shit_. He’d spaced out again.

“What!?” - Hara’s words startled him, and he quickly turned towards his boyfriend, who’d took his headphones off. “E-Eh, my bad! I was just… Thinking, I guess.”

“Zaki,” Hara rose his head, his voice quieter than usual. It gave Yamazaki a bad feeling. “It’s because of Shingo, right?”

“Y-You don’t need to bring that shit up!” Yamazaki twitched his eyes, anxious, rubbing his hands together as his fingertips had lost their warmth. “I mean, the whole middle school thing, and that Shingo guy… I can tell you ain’t comfortable talking about them.”

That reply had been the aftermath of holding his impulsiveness for a good part of that day. Yamazaki had only realized the weight of his words after witnessing Hara’s expression. He could tell his eyes had widened by the small shape of his mouth, having soon determined that, rather than petrified, he’d left Hara astonished with his words.

Yamazaki couldn’t tell whether he’d fucked up again, or if he’d made the right choice. Judging by Hara’s face, it hadn’t been that bad. But the dim silence around them, only interrupted by some of their teammate’s conversations, bothered him to no end. If Hara were to scold him, or straight up ignore him, then Yamazaki would have no choice but to accept it. 

Because, after all, he’d made a mistake.

“You know?” Hara eventually broke that silence, clumsily holding his phone between his hands, his breathing perfectly audible. “I’m actually glad you stepped in back then.”

He didn’t know what to think. In fact, Hara’s words just now had dyed his thoughts on a pure-white tone, as if they had erased them.

“Huh?” Yamazaki scowled, awkwardly.

Hara took a deep breath. “I can’t deal with that guy. He’s sort of like Hana-chan’s weird senpai.”

Yamazaki almost snorted at his words. Still, he felt like Hara needed a little push. After all, changing Hara’s future, and his as well, didn’t have to rely on a bunch of sheets all the time.

And so, he leaned towards Hara and removed some faded-lilac locks from his forehead. Feeling as if his heart wanted to break out of his chest, Yamazaki left a short, weak kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead, it being the only way which he’d thought would comfort Hara. Not that Yamazaki was exactly a good kisser, as his kisses had always been sloppy and he’d gotten a couple complaints from Hara.

When he finally withdrew both his face and hands from Hara, abruptly resting his hands on his lap, having turned into an anxious mess, Yamazaki felt like he’d fucked up even more than before. Now his cheeks and most of his face had turned red, him frowning and forcibly blinking to make it seem like he didn’t felt embarrassed at all. Except he couldn’t. And he knew it well. Hiding his shame was useless, particularly before Hara.

How Hara would react before that was, of course, a mystery. And, surprisingly, it didn’t took Yamazaki too long to find out.

“Zaki, dude,” Hara chuckled, his gaze seemingly fixed on Yamazaki’s reddened face, looking as gorgeous as ever. “You fucking suck at kissing, did you know?” he laughed, as he nipped Yamazaki’s cheek, only to let go almost immediately.

“Fuck off!” Yamazaki forced, still embarrassed, his cheek’s intense tone slowly fading into a cherry one.

But no matter how angry he got at Hara. Yamazaki still loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...That last one wasn't really necessary but hey, I'm less salty than I was before. Just realized my Hanamiya portrayal isn't that great and, if people wanna see Hanamiya break ribs or kill people, then they're allowed too. I mean, it's completely different from some people's ableist portrayal of Akashi, which some people in the fandom haven't fixed yet. Plus, there's a BIG difference between writing a sadist and a mentally ill character.
> 
> (Also, gotta admit their art was neat.)
> 
> Anyway, back to the fic, I don't wanna make the chapters too long but I know myself. Not well, but I know I'll eventually start writing 6-8k chapters again, much like I did in Flowery Truth.
> 
> If you see any mistakes, please tell me! My English ain't that great either.
> 
> (Shingo's gonna have a lot to do with Hara later on, you'll see.)


	6. it's more than just saving hara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the worst Hanamiya writing of all time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did some major changes, which include the title, and aligning all the letters so you can actually tell them apart from the text.
> 
> Also yeah the title is from a song. Kudos to chxbx on Tumblr :^)

It hadn’t took them too long to arrive. When they did, and Yamazaki witnessed the building in front of him, he froze on the spot.

“I’m fucked,” he thought, eyes fixed on the building, his fingertips turning cold. Just looking at it brought back sorrowful memories.

Hanamiya, who stood besides him, and had just called Furuhashi and Seto, was obviously not aware of how Yamazaki felt about it. He’d just brought Yamazaki back to a place which he hadn’t visited in almost ten years, and which he’d been refusing to visit ever since Hara’s death.

Out of all the places which Hanamiya could’ve chosen for them to meet, Hara’s home had been the last one which Yamazaki had wished for. Meeting at a small bar, or even Hanamiya’s place, would’ve been much better; hell, even Yamazaki’s own place, which he hadn’t cleaned in months, sounded like a great idea.

No matter how hard he’d tried to persuade Hanamiya: it had been impossible. Trying to convince him into not having any sort of meeting -or just letting him stay at home, alone with his regrets- had been useless, as Hanamiya had either ignored him, or found a way to trick Yamazaki into staying with him. It had been that way for years, and Yamazaki hated how history was repeating itself again. Except that now, Hanamiya was less of an asshole that he’d been ten years ago.

Yamazaki had a lot of reasons as to why he thought Hara’s home had been a bad choice. Most, if not all, had to do with his regrets concerning Hara’s death. He refused to meet Hara’s parents once again, after all those years, but the one he was afraid of the most was Hara’s older brother. Yamazaki feared that Shigeo, a man which he hadn’t seen and spoken to in ten years, would place all the blame on him, without Yamazaki being able to justify himself.

Knowing that Hanamiya would insist and insist until he accepted didn’t help at all. In fact, it only “helped” increase Yamazaki’s anxiety, and his dread of having Hara’s family loathe him. He couldn’t just show up at Hara’s home and apologize to his relatives as if he’d done nothing, not after having not met them in over a decade. Yamazaki hadn’t thought yet of his words, let alone whether he’d say anything at all, yet he was deathly afraid of making the smallest mistake.

Hanamiya’s comforting words, if they could even be referred to as such, hadn’t been any useful. No matter how much he reminded Yamazaki that it hadn’t been his fault; Yamazaki would keep putting all the blame on himself. He’d took Hara’s suicide as some sort of punishment, for all those times in which he’d hurt him without knowing. 

The truth behind Hara’s death, however, was vastly different from anything that Yamazaki had previously thought. It didn’t have to do anything with him or the team, but with Hara’s own issues. The redhead, however, had never learned about those issues. Not because he’d never bothered to ask Hara, but because he’d asked him way too often.

He felt Hanamiya stare at him. Yamazaki, however, hadn’t been any bothered by him, nor by the steps which could be heard from afar. He knew his other former teammates, Furuhashi and Seto, which he hadn’t met since their graduation, would be arriving soon. 

It wasn’t like he wanted to talk to them. Yamazaki just wished to be left alone with his thoughts. Talking to his former teammates would sure only make things worse.

“Chin up, Yama,” Hanamiya eyed him, frowning. “I’ve already told you. None of this is your fault. Kazuya’s parents aren’t mad at you, and neither are his siblings. If you keep blaming yourself like that, you’ll only make shit worse.”

Yamazaki chose to ignore his words. He had to admit that Hanamiya was right, yet refused to accept it. Yamazaki had gotten used to those bad habits long ago, and inevitably slipped back into them the moment he thought he’d gotten over it. No matter how much Hanamiya or his siblings tried to help him fix those habits; Yamazaki had never bothered to do anything. 

It was all pretty words and cheap reminders, all of them unable to reach him. Even during his worst, Yamazaki had rejected any sort of help.

So he refused to reply, dragging a sigh from Hanamiya’s lips.  
In those ten years, Yamazaki had almost ignored his depression, having let those feelings of regret take him over the years, now unable to let them go. He’d tried getting rid of them at the start, fighting on his own against his guilt, until he’d slowly realized that, maybe, he deserved to feel miserable.

Hanamiya clicked his tongue in annoyance, watching as the other men arrived. “Fine. But I’ll tell you once again, Yama. Nobody’s angry at you,” he leaned against the building. “Blame yourself as much as you want. However, you weren’t the only one who attended high school with Kazuya.”

He didn’t know how to reply. Talking to Hanamiya had always been exhausting to him, particularly when he was right.

Yamazaki lowered his head, tired and pessimist, barely witnessing Seto and Furuhashi as they arrived. He didn’t want to talk to them. He didn’t want to talk to Hara’s family either. Yet, much like attending their reunion, Yamazaki would have to force himself to.

“Does he keep blaming himself?” Seto asked, eyeing Yamazaki on a condescending way.

Hanamiya nodded, grinning. “Yeah. It’s no surprise, though. You saw all the crap that went wrong with him. Still, we shouldn’t be saying anything.”

“True. We were never close to Kazuya like he was.”

Yamazaki wasn’t any interested in their conversation. To witness his teammates as they ranted about him, talking about his past problems and almost blaming them on him, only made him feel worse.

Sure, things might have gotten better between him and the other men over the years, but his inferiority complex hadn’t changed the least.

Furuhashi eyed him with those goddamn dead eyes. “Gotta be honest. He looks terrible,” he stepped towards Hanamiya. The atmosphere which surrounded Furuhashi was cold as it had always been. “Has he really been taking care of himself?”

“Don’t ask me,” Hanamiya bit his finger, looking hostile as ever. “The last time I spoke with his sister, she said that he was fine, but that he’s been incredibly moody too.”

Furuhashi rose his head. “You think there might be something wrong with him?”

“There’s definitely something wrong with him. Of course, I’m not one to talk. But if you asked me, I believe it could be a mood disorder, perhaps major depression. However,” he paused, “when I spoke to his family, they mentioned what could’ve been symptoms of catatonia. He’s also rejected any sort of psychological help. His father once forced him to attend a therapist, though. They said it worked.”

“He could’ve had always pretended to be fine.”

“No. Even if you can’t see it, Yama’s improved a lot. He obviously hasn’t gotten over his depression, let alone Kazuya’s death. But, believe me,” he cackled, “he really has improved.”

Their tone was low, but not enough for Yamazaki to completely dismiss their talk. He didn’t want to recall those days which he’d spent attending that therapist, forcibly spilling his thoughts and regrets to someone that couldn’t have cared less about him. It did help him, but not enough to completely stop his depressive episodes. They would keep coming back at him, and he knew.

There was something which Yamazaki had been wanting to ask Hanamiya since that morning. Asking him in front of the other men, though, didn’t sound like the best idea. But asking in front of Hara’s family would only be worse.

“Anyway, we should get going,” Hanamiya rose his voice, as he and the other men stepped towards the building. A pat on his shoulder stopped him before he rang the bell, and he turned his head, frowning. “What the hell, Yama? I don’t wanna make Kazuya’s parents wait too much. It better be important.”

“You guys,” Yamazaki paused, looking him dead in the eye. His voice was hollow, unlike it had been ten years ago. “You know something I don’t, right?”

Time stopped, and the atmosphere around him froze. Yamazaki stood as he felt his former teammates’ gazes against his skin. Sharp, as if they were stabbing him or had just seen a ghost. As soon as he’d asked, they’d turned to him, eyed him, dug their gazes on his skin. Maybe Yamazaki had made a mistake; a big mistake.

But the way in which they stared at him was, without a doubt, upsetting. Yamazaki held his urge to make a bad joke and break that atmosphere, as he’d probably asked something serious, something which had even amused Hanamiya. What had begun as a small though, had quickly turned into some sort of fear: Yamazaki feared that he’d been right, and that Hanamiya and the others truly knew something unknown to him.

Yamazaki broke eye contact almost immediately, his anxiety increasing as each second passed. Surprisingly, Hanamiya didn’t rave at him. He’d been suspiciously patient that day, not like the quick-to-anger, cold-blooded Hanamiya which Yamazaki knew.

The men then withdrew their gazes and turned their heads, and time resumed. Yamazaki didn’t know how to feel about it. Hanamiya gave him a distant look before turning back, as if Yamazaki’s question had triggered something on him.

“You’ll find out soon, Yama.”

···

**May 5th.**

_Today, you’ll finish your English project. Hara will call Hanamiya as soon as you’re done, so he can check it for possible mistakes. He won’t do anything else, though, aside from putting you through more hellish practice that evening._

_Nothing really happens today. Hanamiya’s a prick as usual, and, after practice, you read your work out loud to see if it’s good enough. I remember Hara loved it back then._

_Also, you’ll have to wake up around 6AM next day, since you’ll start packing up pretty early. You never got used to this whole thing of waking up early, so Furuhashi has to wake you up. Believe me, you won’t like it._

_I don’t know if it counts, but if it does, then waking up early is your only request for today. I guess._

Yamazaki sighed in relief. For once, the letter had let him rest, and it couldn’t have chosen a better day. He would’ve hated to spend that day solving tasks, unable to focus on his and Hara’s project.

But that day’s letter wasn’t done yet. Yamazaki hadn’t noticed at first, but when he peeked at the letter again, he noticed a small chunk of text, its handwriting worse than the previous pagraphs’. Intrigued, Yamazaki frowned, and proceeded to read it, wondering if it was some sort of request which his future self had missed.

_As I wrote this, I thought of Hara. It’s been like this for a while now._

_It’s already hard for me to give you a task this big. I mean, you’re supposed to focus on your studies and have fun and all that stuff, and instead you’re following these weird instructions._

_But I need you to save Hara. I have tons of regrets from the past and it would suck if you had to carry them too._

_You’ll miss hanging out with him, and his weird pranks, and your late-night talks. As annoying as he could’ve been, I still miss him after these ten years._

_Please, don’t fuck up like I once did. Make sure that Hara graduates-_

Yamazaki stopped reading there, as the handwriting had become illegible. He held the letter with shaky fingers, unable to take his gaze off the scrawled text, eyes fixed on that last paragraph, reading it over and over.

Those paragraphs had left an unknown emptiness on him. His future self had already begged him to save Hara, yet Yamazaki hadn’t realized the weight of that request until now. Of course, Yamazaki couldn’t quite imagine all the grief which his future self had been through, nor those ten years which, to him, he’d spent mourning over Hara, even punishing himself because of his mistakes.

He couldn’t imagine how his future self must’ve felt when he learned about Hara’s death. That last warning, however, had been powerful enough to almost tear Yamazaki’s heart apart, having left him with a bitter taste on his mouth, and a feeling of culpability. Because Yamazaki loved Hara; he loved his laugh, hanging out with him, and those times when he would briefly catch a glimpse of his gaze. And sure, Hara could be annoying, but by no means was he a nuisance.

Yamazaki felt some sort of weight on his chest, and took a deep breath. It was the first time in which one of those letters had managed to drag some tears from him. However, he quickly washed them away, rubbing his eyes with his hands, feeling their wet touch before they dried.

It wasn’t the moment to cry. True was that his problems were, perhaps, not comparable to whatever Hara was going through; but Yamazaki still felt like putting on a nice smile would be the best method to hide his concerns. Yamazaki was well-aware that it was nothing like him, though.

He placed that day’s letter back in the envelope, a light-blue one with ‘a childhood friend’ written on it with a darker shade, and quickly put it back inside his bag, just before Hanamiya came in. And Hanamiya’s arrival was never a good sign, or so Yamazaki had thought.

The crow-haired captain looked around the room, soon fixing his eyes on Yamazaki. “Kazuya?”

“Uh, I think he went to the bathroom earlier,” Yamazaki reached for his notebook, stretching his shoulders afterwards. “Did he call you?”

“Yeah. He wanted me to help you with your English project. Something about grammar.”

“I see,” Yamazaki nodded, opening the notebook.

For a moment, Yamazaki felt like something had been off there. The letter had mentioned that Hara would call Hanamiya after they finished their project, and not before. This time, though, it seemed like that choice had been Hara’s, and not Hanamiya suddenly offering himself to help them.

Yamazaki then thought of the letter. Perhaps his actions weren’t supposed to only change big chunks of the future. Small details were important too, even if he never quite noticed them.

“We’re supposed to end today, but we’re still unsure about the ending. Hara came up with a cool one, though he hasn’t decided yet.”

Hanamiya leaned against the wall, grinning. “You should go with Kazuya’s ending.”

“You think?”

“Well, you just said Kazuya’s ending was neat. And, to be blunt,” he snorted, “I don’t think you would’ve been able to come up with a captivating one.”

Yamazaki almost growled at him, choosing to keep his cool instead. It was no use; Hanamiya would keep teasing him, no matter how many times he complained. At times, he’d felt like as if his only purpose in the team was to serve as Hanamiya’s punchbag. Getting Hanamiya to leave him alone sounded like a joke at this point.

Though he had to admit that Hanamiya had been right. He was, by no means, someone creative, and having him write the ending would’ve been a mistake. Yamazaki, however, didn’t think his ending would’ve sucked that much.

“Y-Yeah,” he tittered, slighly disturbed, hiding his anger. “Hara can be… Kind of insecure at times.”

“He should work on it,” Hanamiya declared. “Isn’t he taking a while, though?”

Yamazaki turned the notebook’s pages one by one, quieter than usual. Keeping his anger to himself would do bad on him later. “Uh, if I recall correctly, Hara said he would be taking a shower. And, well, he needs to apply one of those weird hair products so his dye doesn’t fade.”

“Kentaro does the same shit and he doesn’t spend five hours in the shower. Also, he’s Kazuya,” Hanamiya clicked his tongue. “God knows what he might be doing.”

The redhead snorted at that last comment, sickened at the same time by the sudden image that showed on his head. As far as he knew, Hara could be doing anything, including worshipping his body in ways which he didn’t enjoy thinking of.

It surprised him too how Hanamiya’s comments could annoy and amuse him almost at the same time. Yamazaki didn’t particularly think of Hanamiya as someone important, nor idolized him unlike Seto and Furuhashi did. He didn’t hate Hanamiya, though: Yamazaki thought of that feeling more as hostility. 

Rather than hating Hanamiya, he hated the way he led the team, and their playstyle, often wondering how they hadn’t gotten caught yet. Yamazaki had even wished that they got caught harming their rivals, althought this would have carried consequences other than them losing their upcoming matches.

“Anyway, Yama,” his expression shifted to a serious one, as if he were judging Yamazaki, “I’d like to check that project of yours.”

“Really?” Yamazaki’s face lightened up, showing an angelic grin which didn’t tickle Hanamiya the least.

“Oh, and don’t be expecting me to write you an ending. It’s your project. I’m only here to help with grammar.”

···

Hanamiya was, by no means, perfect. Sure he had an astonishing intelligence, always ensuring him the student ranking’s first place, and led the Disciplinary Committee as if nothing. He also managed the basketball team at ease, never complaining about having to stay up late to write analyses. Life seemed to be flowing peacefully for Hanamiya; either he was good at handling it, or he just had a quiet one.

Yamazaki couldn’t deny that he was jealous of Hanamiya; of his intelligence and leadership, and his supposedly peaceful life. However, as perfect as Hanamiya could be, Yamazaki could easily list some, if not all of the flaws he’d seen on him. He could yammer about how he disagreed with the team’s rough play for hours, as well as Hanamiya’s distant, crude behavior towards him, which he couldn’t find an explanation to.

Yamazaki thought he’d seen it all. That Hanamiya couldn’t surprise -or disappoint- him anymore. Until that day, when unwritten events took place, and Hanamiya cooked for the team.

After that, Yamazaki swore that he could go on the rest of his life just eating Hanamiya’s food. It had been comparable to one of those cooking manga which he’d read. Hara had even stopped multiple times only to compliment Hanamiya’s skills, adding that he should’ve been the one to cook during training camps. And Hara had looked the happiest he’d ever been, which had made Yamazaki happy.

Not everything had been peaceful, though. While Yamazaki had enjoyed that meal, asking for seconds more than once, he’d been suspectful of his teammates’ behaviors. They would’ve usually made sarcastic comments towards him, or straight up tried to piss him off; instead, they spoke about the upcoming Interhigh, and how there was a chance they’d be playing against Seirin in the preliminaries, to which Hanamiya claimed that they would win that year.

Hanamiya’s behavior, in particular, had been way too calm. The one who would’ve usually scolded Hara because of his pranks and ignored most of their conversation had spoken quite a lot. Only a portion of his comments had been directed towards Yamazaki, and barely any of them had been negative. Yamazaki’s suspicions of Hanamiya grew once again, except that he wanted to do something about them. Hanamiya’s personality couldn’t change that quickly.

He approached Hanamiya after that meal, as soon as the rest of the team had gone to take a rest. To Yamazaki, Hanamiya hadn’t seemed any busy, so he could strike up a long conversation at ease.

“Captain,” Yamazaki stepped towards his captain, who found himself reading at the rest area, “today’s meal was amazing. I-I didn’t know you could cook like that.”

Hanamiya cackled, lowering his book. “Now you know.”

The redhead sat down next to Hanamiya, lowering his gaze. “That’s not what I wanted to talk about, though.”

“What’s it, then? And hurry up. This novel’s gotten interesting.”

Yamazaki took a deep breath. He wasn’t ready to ask Hanamiya. Not that he expected a negative response; if Hanamiya were to ignore or yell at him, it would be fine to him. But asking him such a question, only for his mind to go blank the moment Hanamiya replied, wasn’t any good for his anxiety.

Joining his hands together, he turned to his captain, his gaze stronger than ever, and his anxiety boiling up as each second passed. Hanamiya’s indifferent expression didn’t change.

“Why have you softened up?” Yamazaki asked with a completely dull tone, attempting to hide his anxiety. “Why’re you suddenly acting like a goody-two-shoes?”

“Explain yourself.”

Yamazaki looked away, stressed. “Lately… You’ve stopped being an ass to Hara. You aren’t yelling at him as you used to. Shit, you even accepted his request,” he lowered his gaze. “You’re actually giving a shit about him. Don’t get me wrong, I know you’re our coach and you’re supposed to care about us. But, it’s way suspicious. It’s like you’re a bootleg… Or a completely different person.”

After he finished, Yamazaki thought of what he’d just said. What had started as a simple theory, which he’d been pondering about for a while now, had quickly turned into a speech. He’d improvised that entire last part, having followed his heart instead of his thoughts, saying what he’d felt like would reach Hanamiya.

It was no wonder as to why Hanamiya stared at him afterwards. He remained indifferent, for the most part -Yamazaki had seemingly lit a light on him, which could be seen on his eyes. Throughout that speech, he’d felt like as if he’d seen right through Hanamiya: as if he’d been right, and Hanamiya was truly hiding something from him. 

Getting Hanamiya to confess, though, wouldn’t be that easy of a task. If he still was the smartass which Yamazaki knew, then it would be difficult to have him say anything.

“And, yeah, I know. You’re our coach, and, well, you’re our friend too. Still, it’s really fucking weird that you’re being like this. Usually, you wouldn’t have helped us with our project. You wouldn’t have cooked for us. Dammit… You wouldn’t have given a single fuck about Hara’s problems, and you would’ve forced him to attend practice instead, regardless of his issues.”

Yamazaki paused for a moment, ignoring Hanamiya’s bewildered look.

“I get it that you’re concerned about Hara,” Yamazaki unconsciously rose his voice. “But, somehow, it feels strange that you’re being like this. It’s as if you’re being told what to do.”

His speech stopped there, as soon as he realized what he’d just said. Just like before, he’d improvised his speech, having followed his heart the whole time.

That last sentence, though, had left Yamazaki thinking. Such a situation would be similar to his and his future self’s letter, in which he had to cautiously follow a sheet’s instructions to change the future. Except that Yamazaki didn’t think such a thing would be possible; and, if Hanamiya had truly gotten a letter, he would’ve most likely ignored it; he would’ve straight up refused to follow it instructions, having seen them as a bad joke.

There still lied the possibility of Hanamiya truly wanting to change himself, yet Yamazaki didn’t quite believe in it, since the thought of someone like Hanamiya willing to leave his wicked persona behind felt surreal. He wouldn’t be the same without his sarcastic comments and his sharpness, and Yamazaki would never get fully used to his newly improved personality.

Aside from those, Yamazaki hadn’t been able to come up with another possible explanation. Only a letter and some life choices could explain that sudden change, and Yamazaki didn’t seem to believe any of them.

Hanamiya closed his book, and cackled loudly. “That was very clever of you, Yama. I thought you would never notice.”

“…Excuse me?” Yamazaki scowled, his tone lower than before, as he turned to his captain, who kept the same vicious grin as usual.

“I got one of those too,” he blinked as he opened the book, casually grabbing what looked like an envelope. “A letter.”

All of a sudden, Yamazaki found himself speechless. What had been once a theory turned then into a joke, was now the truth. He had no choice but to believe it: to convince himself that, just like him, Hanamiya had gotten a letter from his future self, perhaps at the start of his third year too. 

But the most surprising part about it had been that Hanamiya had most likely followed the letter’s steps, despite his personality.

“Shocking news, I know,” Hanamiya shook his shoulders, opening the envelope. Yamazaki just kept staring at him as if he’d seen a ghost. “It surprises me that you’ve noticed this early. Knowing you, I thought you would’ve needed much longer.”

Yamazaki sighed, annoyed and tired of Hanamiya’s shit. “The truth is,” he rose his head, still looking away from his captain, “I’ve been suspecting about you for a while. Like, you once told Hara that he could miss practice if his depression hit too hard.”

“You would’ve usually forced him to attend practice instead. That’s why I suspected. Because… It’s not like you to be that caring.”

“I see,” Hanamiya’s voice turned quieter, something unusual on himself, as he picked the letter from the envelope, showing it to Yamazaki. “Here, go take a look.”

Yamazaki grabbed the letter and brought it in front of him as if nothing.

Its handwriting was vastly different from Yamazaki’s, being much cleaner and aesthetically pleasing. That letter was also considerably longer than his, and the redhead quickly noticed the plenty of details. Yamazaki decided to give it a good read.

_May 5th. Today, it’s your last day at the training camp._

_Even though I knew about their project, I was oblivious to the fact that Kazuya and Yama hadn’t finished yet. I thought they’d finished the day before, so I had them go jogging for a few hours. I want you to do the opposite: nullify their morning practice and have them run at evening instead._

_If you’ve followed my instructions so far, then I’m sure Kazuya has asked you for help. Go help them; at least, do something about Kazuya’s grammar._

_If they finish their project today, you should reward them. Back then, I did nothing when they finished. I just congratulated them, even thought they’d done their hardest. I feel like it would be nice if you cooked for them. Hell, Kazuya will probably request that at some point._

_Nothing worth mentioning happens that evening. I remember both Kazuya and Yama being anxious because of their project, which affected their grade. Obviously, I said nothing, as I thought they were exaggerating._

_That night, I went to bed at 9PM, since we had to wake up at 6AM the next day to leave early. Next day, when you wake up, make sure that the rest of the team has woken up as well: and, if you have to force any of them to, then do so._

_Make sure both Kazuya and Yama go to bed early. Those two are the ones that’ll need to rest the most._

“This is,” Yamazaki paused, astonished, giving the letter back to Hanamiya, “incredible. A-Are all your letters this long?”

“Seems so,” Hanamiya snatched the letter from Yamazaki’s hands, and folded it.

“And how come your future self could remember that much shit?”

Hanamiya laughed. “Who knows?”

Yamazaki looked away. He didn’t even want to think about the length of Hanamiya’s other letters, nor how his future self could have memorized all those events. He couldn’t but ask himself how Hanamiya had possibly agreed to follow his letter’s steps.

Hanamiya smirked, looking smug as usual. “How come I chose to follow the letter’s steps. That’s what you’re thinking. Am I right?” he turned to the redhead, who remained astonished before him.

“It doesn’t make any sense. I thought you would’ve ignored it.”

“To say the truth, I still am unable to fully believe it, despite its accuracy” Hanamiya blinked, as if he’d gone thoughtful. “I’m well aware of the task I’ve been given, just like I’m aware of Kazuya’s problems. However…”

The redhead frowned, intrigued. “However?”

“Don’t ask me why, but I feel like there’s more to these letters than saving Kazuya,” he spoke, as Yamazaki carefully listened. “When I first read mine, my future self mentioned that he regretted not only how he’d treated Kazuya, but most of his actions as well.”

Hanamiya rose from the seat, grabbing his novel afterwards. “It’s like he wants me to change myself… No,” he paused, his tone switching into a lower one. “He’s telling me to change myself.”

“That would make sense,” Yamazaki muttered, not knowing that Hanamiya could perfectly hear him.

Despite that, Yamazaki could remember his future self mentioning something alike. At one point, the letter had mentioned that he wasn’t supposed to only watch over Hara, but also over himself.

Having already put Hara before himself, he couldn’t think such a thing would be possible.

“…Anyway,” Hanamiya gave the redhead a condescending look, as if he were warning him, “you should go to bed early. As far as I know, you could become sleep deprived, or even develop insomnia if you don’t watch over your sleeping habits.”

“I know I sometimes go really fucking late to bed, but," Yamazaki’s tone rose as he spoke, "what does that have to do with the letter?”

The dark-haired man walked away as if he’d said nothing. “You’ll regret it if you go to sleep too late.”

···

Yamazaki couldn’t stop pondering. The fact that he wasn’t the only one to own a letter; that, of all people, Hanamiya was the one to own a letter similar to his, had surprised him. Not that he could rely on Hanamiya; he’d never fully trusted him, and he didn’t feel like the letter would make him trust his captain.

It had relieved him, though. Knowing that he wasn’t the only one willing to save Hara had made him feel at ease, even if it was Hanamiya the one that would supposedly help him. At least, Yamazaki now had someone he could tell about his concerns, even if he couldn’t quite trust him yet. Hanamiya was and would probably always be unpredictable; Yamazaki didn’t feel like that trait of his would change.

Surprisingly, he’d followed Hanamiya’s suggestion of going early to bed, having shocked not only him, but the rest of the team as well. He’d let himself fall asleep at 10PM, having previously told Hara to do the same. And Hara had agreed with him, much to Yamazaki’s surprise. The both of them had surprisingly gone early to bed that day, having left a good impression on Hanamiya and the other boys as well.

His sleep, however, hadn’t been that good. Hanamiya had probably been right with the entire insomnia thing, as it had took him a while to completely fall asleep, having spoken with Hara and reassured each other about their project before. Yamazaki couldn’t complain, though, as his sleep deprivation was his entire fault.

So he hadn’t been surprised when, the next day, he woke up with a yawn, at exactly 6AM, with Hanamiya’s cold gaze fixed on his.

“…Good morning,” he muttered, keeping himself from going back to sleep. His eyelids felt heavier than usual, constantly closing themselves as he looked around the room, not having noticed his captain’s gaze.

Yamazaki looked around the room. The sky’s tone switched from the night’s darker shade to the early morning’s light tones, blending into a color that reminded him of Hara’s eyes. None of his teammates, except for Hanamiya, had woken up yet, and said man now found himself attempting to wake up Seto, carelessly shaking the man’s body. It seemed like Hanamiya had woke up earlier than anybody, having already placed their uniforms and bags next to them.

He’d never woken up that early. He couldn’t quite explain that feeling. Yamazaki felt his sleepiness attempting to drag him back into bed, and chose to fight against it: anything to feel proud of himself. And, as soon as he stood up, dizzy, as if he were to trip, Hanamiya stopped shaking Seto and turned to him.

“Eh, you really woke up,” he grinned. “I’m surprised.”

Yamazaki yawned once again, reaching for his trousers on the floor. “Can’t believe I did this…”

“Hey, I always wake up this early,” Hanamiya grumbled, frowning. Yamazaki could clearly see bags under his eyes. They upsettled him a bit. “No wonder why you’re so tired. You probably stay up the entire night watching gameplays or whatever shit you like, and then go to sleep and rest for five hours.”

Once again, Yamazaki had found himself speechless. Hanamiya had been right, having read him as if nothing. And then, Yamazaki would wonder as to why he couldn’t trust Hanamiya, doing nothing to fix his bad habits.

The redhead pouted, clumsily putting on his trousers as he observed Hanamiya. His captain really was trying anything to wake up Seto; it wouldn’t surprise him if, all of the sudden, he dropped a whole glass of freezing water over Seto’s head. In fact, Yamazaki could think of such a situation, in which Hanamiya’s hidden, sadistic side would show itself, in an attempt on waking up a bunch of teenagers.

That night, he’d also thought of Hanamiya’s letter. Sure, it wasn’t the best time to bring that up, as his teammates would be waking up soon. It was better than having to knock at his home’s door that evening, though.

“Uh, captain,” Yamazaki finished putting on his trousers, only to grab his socks afterwards. Not just his eyelids, but his body felt heavy as well, hardly able to move. “Now that the other guys are asleep… There’s something I wanted to talk about.”

“It’s the letter, right?” Hanamiya asked, half-frowning, giving up on waking up Seto. “It better be quick. These guys won’t take long to wake up.”

“Well, just so happens that I have a request. I’m not sure you’ll agree, though-”

“You want me to help you save Kazuya, right?”

Hanamiya never failed to astonish Yamazaki. As always, Yamazaki wondered whether he’d underestimated his intelligence, or if psychic powers were real and the Bad Boy was an esper in disguise, walking beneath them.

On the other side, he couldn’t help but to expect a negative response coming from him. As much as the future could change, Yamazaki couldn’t imagine such a situation, in which, instead of teasing him, he and Hanamiya would become 'allies’.

Yamazaki got ready for Hanamiya’s words, frowning, holding onto his shirt, his fingers creasing the cloth’s fabric. His anxiety had helped him wake up, though slowly.

“It’s fine for me.”

Between Hanamiya’s reply and Yamazaki’s following words, there was a silence during which the redhead stared at his captain in shock, now fully awake. Really, Hanamiya Makoto was unpredictable.

“Huh?” Yamazaki half-smirked, dropping his shirt, reluctant to believe Hanamiya’s words.

“This ain’t a task you can fulfill by yourself,” Hanamiya rose his head, aloof. “After all, we’re not just following a letter’s steps. We’re avoiding someone’s death. We’re avoiding Kazuya’s death,” he took a deep breath. “And I know. Right now, you think of me as if I were a completely different person. I haven’t teased you for a while, nor I have scolded Kazuya. It’s gonna take a while until you get used to these changes. I know, because I still hadn’t gotten used to them either.”

He paused for a moment before he continued, considerably lowering his tone, having fixed his gaze on Yamazaki’s. “However, don’t you think I’ll go easy on you because of this. That I’m helping you doesn’t mean that I’m gonna decrease your practice amount, nor that I’ll completely change into a goody-two-shoes whether we’re hanging out.”

“I’m willing to help you save Kazuya. But keep in mind that I’m still both your captain and coach. These letters shouldn’t be an excuse for me to go easy on you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I recall correctly, in the manga, Naho finds out about Suwa's letter near September. Here, Yamazaki finds out about Hanamiya's letter only one month after the fic starts.
> 
> But still, they're different characters, and I do not intend to follow that "Yamazaki is d*mb!" thing. After all, Fujimaki said that Yamazaki was kinda aware of the team's rough play.
> 
> School starts next week, and so will do slow updates. I might make chapters shorter, like in the fic's beginning, just so I don't need an entire month to finish them.
> 
> Enjoy!


	7. all at once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamazaki takes Hara on what he thinks would be the ideal date. Turns out that Hara's not feeling so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This editing is so bad it broke Kiyoshi Teppei's leg. Sorry for the slow-ass update, had some life stuff going on.
> 
> No letter this time, sorry. There's a very special reason to this.
> 
> Anyway, as usual, I changed a lot of things from the original script. This thing right here was supposed to be a cute and heartwarming chapter, until I decided that Hara would be going through a depressive episode. I thought I could take some advantage from that since I wanted to write a scene showing how Yamazaki would possibly deal with Hara having a panic attack.
> 
> And, well, I got my keyboard fixed and fixed another thing last Sunday (guess fucking what), which led to an interesting writing mood and me finishing this chapter in four days, after having fought a writing block for nearly a month.

When he first woke up that day, the first thing Yamazaki did was grabbing the envelope from his desk, drowsy, nearly falling off his bed. In the span of a single month, he'd gone from checking his phone to checking a light-blue envelope, almost daily, expecting to find a letter inside each single day.

The one he picked that day, though, didn't match the date. It seemed like he'd picked the same letter from last week; and the next one which he picked had its date set on the 18th. Before this last one, Yamazaki immediately looked away, not wanting to spoil himself.

Given the lack of brightness, one would've thought that Yamazaki would've been unable to see anything. Except that the room had then been surrounded by a dim, dark-blue light, which allowed Yamazaki to recognize the letters in front of him. Obviously, it wasn't enough.

Puzzled, Yamazaki reached for the desk's reading lamp, successfully turning it on. Weary, he blinked a couple times before looking any further, and soon regretted having stayed up late watching a Swedish man play old-school games the day before. Even though he'd been trying his best to fix that habit and his sleep schedule as well, he couldn't quite achieve it. He hated missing those streams.

Hasty, he let go of such nonsense, and checked the letters again. It all seemed way too strange, as Yamazaki had initially believed, for some reason, that he would get a letter on that day, May 13th. He checked the letters again, irked, barely able to feel his body.

_May 6th. May 18th. 6th. 18th._

Soon, he stopped and gave up, forcibly acknowledging that he hadn't gotten a letter on that day.

Knowing there wasn't a letter that day had relieved him for some reason, as he wouldn't have to go through the burden that was following its steps. At the same time, thought, he'd felt unsure of what to do. Not that the letters had become his only lead; but, lately, those days in which he'd gotten no letters had felt longer than usual.

An unknown weight surrounded his legs; Yamazaki felt like as if they were being pulled towards the floor. His eyelids kept closing themselves, and multiple yawns grew on his throat, him avoiding most of them. Recalling Hanamiya's words from the previous week, he considered the fact that, perhaps, he'd developed some sort of sleep disorder, but quickly bruised off said possibility. He didn't believe his sleep patterns had worsened that much.

Afterwards, Yamazaki checked his phone, and its bright screen almost blinded him, immediately closing his eyes before it. But the phone's screen, whoses background showed a picture of Hara, hadn't shocked him the least. Instead, it had been the time: he'd woken up at 6AM, having only slept for five hours, more exhausted than ever. Attempting to walk would only guarantee him a couple trips.

Yet none of his thoughts had to do with his lack of sleep, nor with the stream which he'd previously watched. They all had to do with the letter, and with Hara as well.

···

The cafeteria remained as loud as usual, with dozens of students gathering near the bar, awaiting to be attended.

As soon as Yamazaki had arrived, expecting to have lunch with some of his classmates, the thought of leaving came to his mind, as they were nowhere to be found. He'd lost sight of them in a split second. Not only that, but all the people, and their yaking, their running around, even how they'd flocked around the bar, had turned Yamazaki off, to the point he actually left to his classroom.

Except that a sleep-deprived Yamazaki would've never ended up on his classroom. Guided by his drowsiness, he walked into the previous classroom instead, having forgotten that it was Hanamiya's classroom. Yamazaki only recalled this once he saw the man's slender figure sitting by one of the windows, holding a book. The rest of the classroom was empty, which only made it harder to proceed.

While he'd already thought of a subject, he wasn't so sure on how he would approach Hanamiya. The few times Yamazaki had attempted to start a conversation with him, Hanamiya had either ignored him, or he'd just given up after sensing that Hanamiya didn't want him around. By no means was it easy for Yamazaki to speak to Hanamiya, knowing about his hostility towards him, and how little he enjoyed being bothered.

This time, however, Yamazaki didn't have to worry on how to approach him, as Hanamiya had noticed his presence the moment he'd opened the door. Yamazaki simply stood there, eyes locked on the floor, feeling as if he were to pass out at any moment. Having Hanamiya eye him from the distance wasn't helping either.

"What?" Hanamiya grumbled as he closed his book. "Couldn't sleep last night?" he chuckled, smirking, and Yamazaki felt his patience decrease after that comment. Anger wouldn't solve anything, though.

"Y-Yeah, kinda," the redhead replied, looking away, silently stepping towards his captain. He despised that classroom's strange atmosphere. "But that's not what I wanted to talk about," he paused, noticing as his hands begun to tremble. "It's predictable, but yeah... It's the letter."

"Tell me."

"Uh, as strange as this may sound," he sat next to Hanamiya, "I was expecting to get a letter today. And I didn't," he took a deep breath and joined his shaky hands together, rubbing them against each other. "I don't know if this is supposed to be a good thing or not. I guess it feels good not having to follow that thing's instructions for once... But I'm not so sure, you know."

It took Hanamiya a while to reply back, during which Yamazaki wondered whether he'd said something wrong. Only a few seconds passed, but to him, they had felt like hours.

"To be blunt, Yama, I believe you're worrying too much about the letter," Hanamiya rose his head, apathetic. "Like you, I understand I've been given a heavy task, and even the smallest mistake could ruin the biggest of efforts-"

"It is a fucking heavy task. That's why I'm worrying!" All of the sudden, Yamazaki rose his voice. He couldn't tell whether Hanamiya was being sarcastic as usual, or was saying the truth.

"And I'm telling you not to worry," he crossed his arms, placing his chin on the book, with the same bored expression as usual. "If you only focus on the letter you'll eventually ruin yourself."

Before those words, Yamazaki felt like saying something, but didn't.

Hanamiya was definitely smarter than he'd thought, and there was more to him than perfect grades and exhausting practice sessions. Yamazaki's view and thoughts on him wouldn't change that easily, though. And even if Hanamiya were to change into some sort of heroic figure, Yamazaki would still have to get over the 'Bad Boy' which he'd gotten used to long ago.

Hanamiya had been right, though Yamazaki couldn't quite see it just now, neither acknowledge it.

"If anything, I got a letter today. It mentions something regarding Kazuya, but nothing else," he opened the book. "It focuses on me this time, so I bet you won't be interested."

"...I see," Yamazaki stood up, keeping certain questions to himself. He didn't felt like bothering Hanamiya for any longer.

···

The classroom had been left spotless, the evening sky dying it with multiple golden tones. From the window, a gorgeous sunset could be seen, the Sun reigning over a neighbourhood not far away from the building. One could spend minutes, even hours looking at it, without growing bored of its appeal.

Yamazaki, however, hadn't paid any attention to it, despite Hara's comments. By then, he'd stopped thinking about the letter, but he'd begun thinking of other things which bothered him as much, perhaps more than the letter had. He couldn't arrange those thoughts, nor felt like doing so, as there were many of them flooding his mind at once.  
He didn't want Hara to notice it, but his wishes rarely ever became true.

"Zaki?" he heard Hara's question, almost like a whisper, and the boy got closer to him, their shoulders grazing. "You're like spacing out. Something wrong?"

"Uh, d-don't worry!" Yamazaki looked away, unsettled. "It's nothing important. Just... Thinking of stuff."

Hara nodded. "I see," he rose his head, smiling, cracking his neck. "We've really worked hard this time, huh? It looks fucking wonderful. Tamura-san should raise our grades a bit!"

Yamazaki grinned before him. He wished they could get to clean together more often, as he got to spend a quiet and nice time with Hara, speaking about their day and debating nonsense as well.

Unlike his previous talk with Hanamiya, though, which he'd deemed as disturbing, being with Hara under the same atmosphere gave him some sort of comfort. He couldn't explain why; perhaps because it was Hara instead of Hanamiya, or because he fancied evenings before mornings.

Hara paused for a second; his smile fading before proceeding. "Anyway, Zaki..."

"Y-Yeah?" the redhead turned to him. Hara's sudden dull tone had intrigued him.

"Wanna ditch practice?" Hara asked, his voice as gentle as a murmur; his request, nothing like one.

Yamazaki stared at him, dumbfounded, unable to describe that feeling. Turning his gaze away from Hara, he tried to ponder about it; but soon, he gave up, as he couldn't focus on those thoughts.

As far as he could recall, Hara had skipped practice a few times that year, having sometimes messaged Yamazaki about it. But he couldn't recall a single time when Hara had requested such a thing.

"Hara," his lips dried up; he wasn't sure on how to feel. "You-"

"Sorry dude, I know... I've been skippin' practice a lot these days," Hara spoke, disheartened. To Yamazaki, this behavior didn't seem like that of his usual self. "The thing is, I've been having a hard time lately, so I forced myself to attend practice 'cause I didn't wanna make you worry."

"W-Well," Yamazaki tittered, watching as Hara joined his hands together, squeezing them against each other, "you know what Hanamiya said. You don't need to come if you're feeling bad."

"Yeah, I know!"

Yamazaki then fixed his eyes on the table, concerned. "Still... Why do you want me to go with you?"

It took Hara a while to reply, but his answer left quite an impression on Yamazaki.

"...Can't tell why, but," Hara turned to Yamazaki, with a faint smile, as if he were to cry, "I feel at ease when we're together. That's why."

Shocked, Yamazaki couldn't take his gaze away from him, eyes fixed on that bittersweet smile of his. That Hara told Yamazaki he loved him wasn't a strange occurrence, as it happened almost daily. Yamazaki, however, could hardly recall Hara going out his way like that.

He chuckled, showing a gentle grin afterwards. And he wasn't one to take cheesy compliments, but he could always make an exception with Hara, no matter how cheesy they were.

"If it'll make you feel better, then," Yamazaki blinked, slightly anxious, "I'll gladly go with you."

Somehow, Yamazaki felt like he wouldn't reget any of that. Even if he were to feel awful for skipping practice afterwards, he would be doing something good for Hara, without having to rely on the letter. And, hell, he wanted to do something special for Hara; something that his boyfriend could appreciate.

The next thing which Yamazaki knew was that Hara had left a kiss on his cheek, having barely noticed it. When he looked at Hara, his cheeks showed a faint hue of cherry red, and a bright grin had been drawn on his face. A muffled giggle then fled from his lips, and he relaxed his entire body with a sigh.

Along the evening's tones, gold and tangerine that blended together, it all created the perfect sight; the most beautiful one which Yamazaki had ever seen, even comparable to those long-forgotten places which he'd visited during his childhood. Unlike the one from before, that smile was full of gratitude, as if Hara had wanted to thank him for something as peculiar as ditching practice. Or, at least, it seemed that way for Yamazaki, who hadn't been expecting any of those; neither the kiss, nor the smile.

···

Excited. Nervous. Afraid. _Proud._

Yamazaki felt them all at once, aware that he was skipping practice for the first time. It was nothing comparable to skipping class, which he'd done twice during middle school and had deeply regretted. Unlike that time, however, Yamazaki was certain that Hanamiya wouldn't scold him, but couldn't explain why. It obviously had to do with the letter, yet Yamazaki felt like there were other many reasons behind it.

The streets remained as silent and empty as usual, with nobody but the two of them hanging around, making their way through those never-ending neighbourhoods. Due to the lack of noise, Yamazaki could even hear his own heartbeats, their pace never slowing down. Rather than excited, he was anxious; his mind had gone entirely blank, and he tried to organize his thoughts with each step he took. Knowing that his choice had made Hara happy soothed him, but it wasn't enough.

Eventually, an idea crossed his mind. At first, Yamazaki ignored it, as he'd found it to be quite ridiculous. Such idea had also made sense, as throughout his past relationships he'd done little but spouting compliments and comforting his significant others as best as he could. He'd always been reluctant to trying anything else, as he'd never known how to behave on a relationship.

He wanted to take Hara on a date; or, at least, what he thought would be like one. His main idea was closer to the two of them hanging out; therefore, Yamazaki expected Hara to not question anything.

Except that Hara was way more clever than Yamazaki thought.

"Zaki," he stepped in front of the town's arcade, and so did Yamazaki, his fingertips having turned cold, "are you perhaps taking me on a date?"

The redhead's jaw dropped, and his eyes widened, having assumed that Hara wouldn't find out. But he did, and unexpectedly soon; so soon, that Yamazaki had no time to come up with a response. Just like before, his mind had gone blank, and he could but stare at Hara, shocked, feeling as if he'd been seen through.

"I, uh, well," he mumbled, joining his hands together, praying for his fingers to stop trembling. "I-I wanted to do something for you, since, you know... I never really do anything for you. I don't even know how these things work!"

Yamazaki stopped there, feeling Hara's eyes all over him, as if he judged him. Hara's expression wasn't any charming either, and Yamazaki felt like he'd said something wrong.

"But you've been doing a shitton of stuff for me, Zaki," Hara spoke, with a lower tone than before. That charming grin from before had now vanished. "You stayed over at my house, and you helped with our project as well. Hell, you even talk to me when I'm feeling like shit."

"W-Well, but I've never done this kind of stuff-"

"And you don't have to!" Hara ran his hand down Yamazaki's arm, grabbing his hand afterwards, and gave it a good squeeze. "Just hanging out with you is cool enough," he grinned, delighted, showing nearly the same amount of gratitude as before.

The warmth of Hara's hand surrounded his own, his fingers pressing against his hand and soon stopping it from trembling, leaving a lukewarm feeling afterwards. Yamazaki could only watch in awe as Hara smiled at him, just like a child, only for a beam to be drawn on his face afterwards.

If Hara's smile was the Sun which rose at early morning, the one that would show itself beneath the pale-dyed skies, then Yamazaki's was the reigning Sun in the middle of a clear summer sky; the one that brightened up even the worst of days. Even like that, Yamazaki still thought Hara's smile was far more fasctinating than his.

Hara then withdrew his hand from Yamazaki's, leaving a warm, mildly heartwarming sensation on his skin, and a reminder that he loved him. As far as he could recall, Hara had never made him feel like that before, nor he'd ever done such a thing to him. They had smiled at each other many times before, and had they held hands before; but it had never left such a feeling until then.

Confused, Yamazaki broke eye contact multiple times before he could say anything, only to articulate the first words that came to his mind.

"So," he muttered, still able to feel Hara's touch on his skin, "wanna go to the arcade?"

···

He'd lost at one of those goddamn dance games again, having been unable to keep up with the song's pace, while Hara had ended up with a terrifying combo that had made multiple people drop their jaws in front of those machines. As always, Yamazaki wondered how the fuck Hara could play that kind of games without feeling as if one of his legs would fall from his body.

Exhausted, Yamazaki walked up to Hara, who had soon left after having won against him, holding on anything he found, avoiding any possible falls. To him, that kind of games were comparable to Hanamiya's nearly illegal schedules; hell, at least he never lost to anybody during practice. Not that he cared that much about losing to Hara, but it still felt humilliating.

"Dude," as soon as he caught up to him, he grabbed Hara's shoulder, aggressively gasping for air, "how... How the fuck did you do that?"

Hara turned to him, with a smirk, proud of himself. It was hard to believe. "What, 'Paranoia'?"

"I-I don't know! Whatever the fuck that was!"

"Tone it down, dude," Hara groaned, stretching his arms, as he looked around the place. "It ain't that hard when you get used to it," he smiled. "You just gotta practice."

"Practice my ass!" Yamazaki complained, following Hara. "Pretty sure you used some sort of weird-ass black magic there."

"Well, I play the drums, so I guess that gives me some sort of advantage," he turned to Yamazaki, still grinning, his pace slowing down as he got closer to a weird-looking cabinet. "Anyway, wanna see me beat the shit out of 'Mei'?"

Yamazaki sighed, and stopped behind him. "I don't even know what that thing is!"

"Well, you better pay attention, Zaki," Hara awaited for his turn, vaguely dancing to the arcade's music, "'cause you're gonna freak out once you see it!"

Pouting, Yamazaki still couldn't understand Hara's excitement towards rhythm games, and how someone could have so much fun by just slamming a bunch of keys in a particular order. Though he had to acknowledge that Hara was quite skilled at them, and that he enjoyed watching him as he played.

He also had to admit that Hara's obsession with rhythm games wasn't any different from his own with fighting ones, and that he also kept forcing Hara to play fighting games with him; with the exception that Hara let him win sometimes, and even taught him how to get past certain sections. Yamazaki had never done such a thing, always, mercilessly beating Hara each time they played against each other, rarely ever giving him advice on combos and such.

Despite it being a minor inconvenience, something that Yamazaki would've usually ignored, he thought of giving up his gaming habits for once. That is, if he could bring himself to.

"Hey, Zaki, you better get closer!" Hara rose his voice, which startled the teen behind him. "I don't know why, but I feel like I could get a full combo today!"

Those words attracted quite a large number of people, that soon gathered around them, like birds of a feather. As usual, Yamazaki couldn't tell what was going on; he knew that Hara was about to play a song, perhaps a hard one, on a cabinet that vaguely resembled a DJ's equipment.

People around them cheered and mumbled about Hara, and how he would most likely fail. Yamazaki had soon assumed that Hara was about to attempt something nearly impossible, much like nicknaming Hanamiya without getting hurt had once been; with the exception that messing up on a rhythm game wasn't supposed to be life threatening.

···

"You saw that, right? Almost did it. I almost fucking did it!"

Again, many people had turned their gazes to Hara, who was now rambling about his broken combo from before, and had been since they arrived at one of the town's manga stores.

"D-Dude, I know you're pissed off," an anxious Yamazaki shook his head, following Hara around the store, hoping people would stop staring at them, "but you don't need to make a fuss about it! We're grabbing a lot of attention!"

"I almost got a perfect combo, of course I'm pissed!" Hara groaned, breathing heavily, his body almost trembling. It gave Yamazaki a bad feeling. "I know this sounds like a bunch of shit to you, but..."

Sadly, he'd been right: Yamazaki couldn't understand why Hara got furious over such small things. He'd never met anybody who'd felt like that whether things had gone wrong, nor it had happened to him; he'd raged over low grades before, though he felt like those feelings weren't comparable to Hara's.

Those feelings, however, were alike. Yamazaki could guess that, after breaking that so-wanted combo, Hara had felt like a failure, as prior to playing the game, perhaps he'd felt a sudden wave of confidence, which had led him into believing that he would get the full combo. If so, then, Yamazaki could empathize with him, as such a thing had also happened to him, particularly with exams.

But, even if it turned out to be like that, Yamazaki still wouldn't compare his feelings to Hara's, as he couldn't fully empathize with him. As far as he could recall, his feelings had never gotten so aggressive.

"Hara-"

Yamazaki looked around them. All he could see were people's gazes set on them, as if they were judging Hara. Some of them mumbled about Hara; mothers covered their children's eyes, and cackles could be heard beneath them. It had begun to make him anxious as well, still nothing compared to Hara, whoses body had begun to shake and was now on the verge of crying.

He felt overwhelmed, and his thoughts begun mixing with each other, unable to think properly. Before things got worse, he opted for the most obvious option, and the one which he'd thought would work the best. Obviously, Yamazaki wanted to ask Hara first, but it wasn't the best moment to do so, knowing that Hara couldn't articulate any words at the moment.

So he grabbed Hara's hand, almost digging his nails on his skin, and dragged him towards the first opening he found; one that led to a room full of shoujo manga. Luckily, that room was empty.

And Yamazaki refused to let go of Hara's hand; not until he calmed down. He couldn't take his gaze off Hara, whoses body trembled, and whoses face had turned reddish, with minuscule tears running down his face, still breathing heavily. Hara wouldn't calm down soon; and, even if he did, it wouldn't be immediate.

Yamazaki didn't know what to do, and hated it; he hated feeling so useless, and it got worse when it was Hara the one that needed help. He could but think of a single thing that would help Hara, though he knew it wouldn't be as effective as he'd thought.

That Yamazaki hadn't been warned of such a thing happening made him feel even worse.

"H-Hara," Yamazaki rose his head, shrugging, "look at me, man. Please."

The boy did as told, unable to keep eye contact, which Yamazaki had already seen coming. He'd stopped crying, though there still were some minor tears forming on his eyes, and he kept wheezing, unable to articulate any words.

"Alright... Listen. I-I don't know what happened. I won't even question it, 'cause I know you have it hard to talk right now," he paused, running his other hand down Hara's hair, as if he were massaging it. "You don't need to explain anything. Just listen."

"I'm aware you can't really control yourself right now. There's only one thing I want you to do. And I know. You'll think it's stupid, and you'll still feel like shit aftewards. But, at least, try to. Okay?"

Hara didn't reply; instead, he nodded, still trembling. That kind of response was enough for Yamazaki, who had now grabbed Hara's shoulders, trying to not put much strength.

"Good. All I want you to do is," Yamazaki gulped; his anxiety hadn't decreased a bit. "Take a deep breath. Do it until you feel like you've calmed down. I know it's fucking dumb, but I can't think of any other things."

Again, Hara did as told, breathing in and out with a slower pace than before, and repeated it multiple times. His body didn't cease trembling, nor did his fingers, so Yamazaki couldn't tell whether his idea had worked or not, neither he could tell if Hara would fully calm down.

For a moment, he thought his efforts had, and would be in vain. That none of that would've happened if he hadn't agreed with Hara's idea of ditching practice. Yamazaki too wondered if Hara would hate him for something like that; for having been unable to help him through a panic attack. Not only Hara, but he also wondered if his future self would be upset as well.

Those thoughts eventually ceased as Hara's breathing steadily slowed down. His body hadn't stopped shaking, but one could tell he was trying to control it; at least, for the most part, though he seemed much calmer to Yamazaki.

The redhead let go of his shoulders and eyed him, still concerned. "Hara, do you-"

"...Sorry," Hara muttered, lowering his head. "I... I guess I was exaggerating a bit."

"You weren't exaggerating at all, dude!" Yamazaki half-grinned, having Hara raise his head at him. "I'm the one that should apologize, like, it was kind of rude from me saying that you were making a fuss, so... Excuse me."

A long pause followed, during which Yamazaki patted Hara's hair, helped wipe his tears, and let him take his time to calm down, all of this while checking the numerous manga volumes around them.

Being them all shoujo manga, he soon got tired of looking through them. To Yamazaki, shoujo manga were all the same cheesy love stories, in which a single display of affection was more than enough to magically heal someone's issues, no matter how bad.

With the exception that not all those manga were the same. One of them caught his attention; one that he'd seemed to recognize, and that he then grabbed and brought to Hara, who immediately identified it.

"I believe I've seen this somewhere-"

"I-I know why you've recognized it, Zaki!" Hara snatched the volume from his hands, them still shaking. "This thing got an anime, but I've heard it sucked."

"Yeah, I remember watching that on TV! I only saw a couple minutes, though. And, well... I've heard pretty good things about this series."

"It's because it's great, Zaki," Hara gave him the volume back, and Yamazaki checked its cover. It featured a group of friends, all of them smiling, as if they were having fun. "I've read it multiple times. It has a bunch of relatable characters, and the romance doesn't suck. It's also... Vastly different from these other volumes."

Yamazaki had felt intrigued by that. "Different?" he scowled. "And what do you mean by 'relatable'?"

"Well... There's this one character that has, like, trust issues, and is also a bit depressed, so I could relate to him," he turned to Yamazaki, showed a faint smile, significantly happier than before. "It's also great for a number reasons, but I feel like you should check it out yourself."

"...Cool, I guess," Yamazaki nodded, then recalled previous events. "A-Anyway. Are you feeling better?"

Hara hesitated for a moment before answering, gazing at Yamazaki as he surrounded his back with one of his arms. "My head hurts a bit, but... I'm doing much better, thanks to you."

Exultant, Yamazaki beamed at him, knowing that his choices hadn't been useless after all. He still wished he could've done some more for Hara, aside from just telling him to take a couple deep breaths and rubbing his hair: it all had went so fast that he hadn't been able to come up with better ways to help him.

Knowing that his irrevelant and predictable choices had helped Hara, though, made him feel some sort of confidence with himself, as if he'd done the right thing.

···

After hours of walking, of looking at shops and discussing nonsense, the skies had turned black, the Moon had shown herself, and the two of them had ended up at the Meguro River.

Surrounded by fully bloomed cherry blossoms, some of them dancing on the river's surface along that day's gentle wind, it looked more beautiful than ever. The tree's roots spread all over the river, and, although dark, many petals could be seen swaying and falling on the water, leaving small ripples and flocking together, almost dying the river on a pale pink hue.

Soft breezes made their way through, gently rocking each tree's routes and their flowers as well. It was a beautiful sight many people were used to; a sight that Yamazaki had been ignoring until that day, when Hara stopped him by grabbing his shirt's sleeve and dragged him closer.

Yamazaki had never payed too much attention to that sight, as he'd rarely ever visited the river before; until Hara gave him a nudge near his ribcage, successfully turning his attention to the river.

Before, Yamazaki had thought Hara's smile, the one that he'd witnessed before at school, had been the perfect sight, but the Meguro River could easily surpass it. He couldn't deny that Hara's grin had been precious; though witnessing the Meguro River, with its cherry blossoms at full bloom, with the person he loved the most, was priceless.

He wondered why he'd ignored such a gorgeous scenery, having lived there for most of his life.

Eventually, Yamazaki became so immersed in his thoughts, that he didn't notice Hara's hand resting on his, stroking his soft, cold fingers against its surface, and squeezing it afterwards. He turned to Hara, bewildered, only to find him showing the purest of grins, as he stared down at the river, and decided that it was a better, far more precious sight than the one from before.

For some reason, seeing Hara like that made Yamazaki feel nostalgic. It made him appreciate his boyfriend even more than he already did, particularly knowing that there was a chance next year Hara wouldn't be there to enjoy that sight with him. But it wasn't the time to think about that, as he'd been wanting to spend a quiet, warm moment with Hara the entire day.

However, when Hara's grip intensified, digging his nails on his skin, cold fingertips pressing against as if he wanted to break his hand, Yamazaki became concerned once again. Those were his own thoughts, but he felt like as if Hara didn't want him to leave his side; as if Hara wanted the two of them to stay together, just like he'd made him promise about a month ago.

Yamazaki had never forgotten their promise, nor would do, especially considering the task he had to accomplish.

"Hara," he muttered, turning to his boyfriend, "you know I'm not gonna leave you, right?"

But there was no reply.

Yamazaki turned back to the river, still fascinated by the scenery in front of him.

"We made a promise last month, remember? I promised that I would stay with you. And, well... I'm gonna keep my promise," he paused, and felt Hara stare at him. "I won't leave you, not even in ten years. Just like you, I would love us to graduate together, and attend the same University as well. That's why I'm gonna keep it."

After his speech, a soft giggle came from Hara's lips, as if he'd found it amusing; perhaps the 'ten year' part. And Yamazaki could never have enough of that sound.

Hara's grip loosened, and Yamazaki turned to him. He kept that soft smile from before.

"Thank you, Hiroshi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A neurodivergent person writing about a neurotypical's point of view of a neurodivergent person's actions. Fucking great. Oh, and I fucking hate using slurs: I'm almost immune to them, but they're still upsetting.
> 
> Here's a good reminder that, in this fic, Hara is neurodivergent (just like me!). I tend to get overworked over minor inconveniences, which often leads to breakdowns and/or panic attacks for no real reason. This can range from exams to incredibly minor things that nobody would expect someone to panic about. And if you think Hara's breakdown was exaggerated, I've had a lot of breakdowns over writing before.
> 
> Mood swings are also quite common (and strong. I've experienced TERRIBLE ones), as well as trust issues, which I'll explain MUCH later on, since it's a big-ass spoiler and would ruin the entire fic.
> 
> Also, I'm gonna switch POV for the entire next arc, which focuses on Hanamiya and will be his first POV, and a real short one, mainly to show how he deals with the letter and his personal life as well. His POV(s) are gonna be the hardest ones, since I never fully got used to his personality. It's not gonna last long -I'm expecting 3~4 chapters, but boy will it be hard.
> 
> AND FINALLY, shoutouts to xStarlight, whoses fic "Alternative" was apparently inspired by mine!
> 
> (Paranoia and Mei are songs from DDR and Beatmania respectively. And they're fucking hard. The swedish streamer referenced is Joel from Vinesauce / Vargskelethor, who I tend to mention a LOT.)


	8. letter 8: my mental health is gone

I'm so sorry for this, but seems like I'll have to go on a hiatus. High school is fucking me over, my mental disorders are at its worst (literally been suicidal for +3 months now) and I can't write anything right now. I've literally broken down over writing a few times, and right now I'm seriously considering suicide. Yes, suicide because of writing. That's how messed up my mental health is.

If you liked this fic, I'm deeply sorry. I'm not a good author. I should be updating weekly, and providing better chapters, but I just keep going on hiatus and doing crap.

Dunno when I'll come back since I don't feel like my mental health will improve.

 

 **tl;dr:** going on hiatus bc my depression and suicidality went nuclear, will probably never come back, and will probably never finish this fic.

**···**

**13/11 edit:** I WILL finish this, even if it takes 3 years. I'll just go at a slower pace, perhaps 1-2 chapters per month. I'll go on hiatuses during exam seasons, which means I'll bust my ass writing during breaks (winter break, summer, Holy Week etc).


	9. pondering and talking and musing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanamiya's future self doesn't fuck around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna commission tikkilanka but i'm spanish

Once again, the team had made it to the Interhigh, even though they hadn’t put any effort.. Even without Hara, who had played in one match, they’d managed to reach hundreds of points. The gaps had been surprising as well, once reaching thirty points.

Though none of those had been shocking. For both the newbies, and the team’s veterans, it had been a miracle. For those closest to him, it had been nothing; some of them had even seen it coming. Yamazaki, though, had questioned his sanity. But, for Hanamiya, it had been another of his schemes. One that had saved them quite a lot of time.

He’d refused to harm any of those teams. Neither physical, nor mental damage. Despite his constant and fierce urges to break them, Hanamiya had found it a waste of time. Hanamiya had felt like none of those teams would’ve been worth it.

Hanamiya had thought of them as naïve, even mocking them when he saw the opportunity. This had worked particularly well with Yamazaki, one of the few to dare call out his strange behavior.

On the other side, Hanamiya had missed it. He’d missed the thrill of watching his opponents grind their teeth before the loss of a teammate. Breaking a team from its core, and tasting their despair as if it were honey. It was one of the best things which he’d ever experienced; he would never get tired of it. And to have spent so long without breaking a team sounded like masochism to him.

To make up for it, Hanamiya had polished a scheme for their next match against Senshinkan. The match would start quiet as usual, with them playing as if they were a group of goody-two shoes. During the next quarter, he would aim for Senshinkan’s power forward. This, followed by an injury, would lead to the well-known Spider’s Web. And, as always, he would harm other players if required.

The thought of such an outcome had left the sweetest of tastes on Hanamiya’s tongue. He wished it would be enough to fulfil his appetite. His true goal, though, was harming one of the Miracles, no matter how risky and nerve-racking.

Though it just so happened that, last night, Hanamiya spent too long tweaking his scheme. As minutes passed, he became so focused that he forgot the flow of time. He’d never thought he would ever spend so much time working on a single plan. Nor that he would ever fall asleep at 4AM, or miss any of the Miracle’s matches.

He’d missed Rakuzan’s match. Akashi Seijuurou’s match.

Though it wasn’t like Hanamiya cared. Not only was that day crammed with matches, many of them being the Miracles’ and Seirin. Kirisaki Daiichi’s match didn’t take place until that evening. He had more than enough to revise his schemes.

It looked like the perfect day, despite him having woken up at 10AM and missed an important match. 

At morning, Hanamiya would watch and analyze matches with his teammates. While, at evening, he would taste Senshinkan’s anguish as he led them into despair. He could even see it.

Except the concept of perfection, and perfect days, had never existed to him. Particularly now, because that he had a letter to check. A letter whoses instructions, if followed, would change the future. A letter which he still thought of as bullshit, but couldn’t refuse checking.

Having finished dressing up, he grabbed that day’s letter and gave it a good read. Hanamiya frowned, wondering what kind of crap it had to say that day.

> **May 20th.**

_Because you spent the previous night watching Senshinkan’s match, you oversleep. Hence, you wake up later than usual, and miss the first match; Rakuzan’s match. Kojiro messages you about it, mentioning that, as expected, Rakuzan won._

_Your match against Senshinkan begins at 6:30PM. You choose to spend the entire morning watching some matches with your team. You should have Kentaro keep an eye on Shuutoku, as they’ll be your next opponent._

_And then, your match begins. You execute your scheme. There are no mistakes. Shimada, Senshinkan’s power forward, ends up with a serious PLC injury. This will upset his team, and you’ll confront their captain. You then take advantage of this, executing the Spider’s Web on the third quarter. The final score is 122-81._

_I loved that; it felt great. But, to this day, I regret having done that. There was no reason for me to do that, other than a short moment of pleasure, and he sure as hell didn’t deserve it. I understand that you’ve been longing to break a team for a while, but you’ll regret it. I won’t mention why. Yet, Makoto, I wouldn’t recommend doing that._

_Aside from this, Kazuya’s not feeling so well today. Despite this, I forced him to play throughout the entire match. Soon, I noticed he wasn’t playing as good as he usually does. I want you to talk to Kazuya about it, and perhaps have him go home._

Hanamiya frowned before the letter, only to let out a cackle afterwards. Laughter then followed his cackle, resounding through the entire hall. Despite his memory, Hanamiya couldn’t remember having such a fit before. One that would make him bring his hand to his head and grab his hair. One which made his chest ache in pain, and his ribs crush his lungs.

On moments like those, Hanamiya felt like the letter was nothing but a joke, and a _terrible_ one. There was no way he would ever regret his actions, let alone redempt himself. It sounded like bullshit. His future self’s words, and his petition as well. Everything sounded like bullshit.

He laughed them off, having found such a request to be ridiculous. It wasn’t like he couldn’t do it; in fact, Hanamiya _could_ get rid of his rough play, but refused to. Such a thing wouldn’t only not make sense, but would be laughable as well. And, besides, it would be hypocritical from his side.

Refusing to follow such an instruction wouldn’t hurt, he thought. It wasn’t like following it would change the future in any sort of way.

**···**

The letters’ main purpose was preventing Hara’s death, which would take place near February. Or so Hanamiya had thought. His letters often included small excerpts, where his future self mentioned his own regrets. Sometimes, he’d even requested him to fix them.

But they were none of Hanamiya’s business. Particularly because he didn’t want to fix himself on the first place. He quite liked himself. Except for a couple things, he couldn’t think of anything which he wanted to mend. Besides, he enjoyed rough play, it being one of the few things which never ceased to pleasure him. Hanamiya didn’t understand why his future self urged him to fix that.

He didn’t understand why, unless his future self had a specific reason to request such a thing. In that case, Hanamiya would consider it. Though the chance of him discarding rough play would remain as low as ever.

And, even if he gave up, the path to redemption was never an easy one. It would punish him, awaking feelings Hanamiya had never thought would experience. He would then remain stuck in a fight against his own self. Said fight would last until he acknowledged all the bad he’d done throughout his life. From his old, naïve middle school years, to the most recent high school ones.

Redemption would not erase those mistakes, and it sure wouldn’t heal his victim’s injuries. But it would definitely get rid of Hanamiya’s guilt. That was his only goal.

Hanamiya, though, didn’t want to think about any of that. Lucky him, his wish became true when Senshinkan’s captain grabbed him by his uniform. He dragged Hanamiya towards him, locking his murderous gaze with his. The entire court now stared at them, astonished. Rather than amused, Hanamiya felt thankful.

“What’s wrong with you!?” the man cried, livid. Hanamiya couldn’t help but to grin at him. “What’s with that face? Can’t you see what you’ve done to him!?”

Hanamiya stared back at him, cackling. “Excuse me? I don’t recall having done anything,” Hanamiya gave him a menacing, bloodthirsty look. He couldn’t understand why he would ever regret that. “If you’re so sure, then, shouldn’t you have any sort of proof?”

He turned to the injured player, who was now being placed on a stretcher. Throbbing heartbeats and heavy breathing, he was unable to take his eyes off him. Hanamiya couldn’t describe that feeling. He hadn’t even found out the reason on why he loved it so much.

There was something about it. Witnessing high schoolers rot and sob before oneself wasn’t supposed to be exciting. Breaking teams from their core and watching them struggle on his web wasn’t either. Somehow, all those delighted Hanamiya like nothing else did.

Even having Senshinkan’s captain yell at him was appealing. Though Hanamiya wished he stopped. Because, as far as he knew, he’d done _nothing_.

**···**

The break began shortly afterwards.

As he made his way through the hall, Hanamiya recalled the letter’s words.

_“I understand that you’ve been longing to break a team for a while, but you’ll regret it. I won’t mention why.”_

Annoyed, he frowned as he stopped near the team’s lockers. Hanamiya didn’t feel like giving it too much thought. He didn’t care about it, nor believe he would regret it. He didn’t even think following that advice was essential. Saving Hara would do more than enough.

Hanamiya decided to cast those thoughts aside. He had to find the ideal moment to debate them. It was useless to do so at the moment, as he had better things to do than waste his time with a such nonsense.

Besides, he didn’t want the boy in front of him to ask.

“Oh, Kazuya,” he spoke, eyeing the purple-haired boy. “You need something?”

Somehow, Hanamiya, whoses memory was flawless, had forgotten a specific part of the letter.

Lowering his head, Hara remained silent for a while. Then, he took a deep breath, and rose it in complete silence.

“…I would like to talk, yeah,” Hara replied with a dull tone, tired. His posture looked limp as well, with his arms hidden behind his back.

For Hanamiya, he wasn’t at ease, as if something had bugged him. That behavior of his resonated to Hanamiya. He tried to recall if the letter had mentioned anything about it, but failed.

Grabbing the keys from his pocket, Hanamiya grinned, stepping towards the door. “Alright. If that’s what you want, then,” he opened it, letting out a loud creak, and the two of them joined as if nothing. 

Afterwards, Hanamiya turned on the lights. “And take your time. There’s a whole ten minutes of break.”

Without saying anything, Hara sat on one of the benches, completely silent. There was definitely something going on with him. Hanamiya wouldn’t hesitate to figure out, even if it meant invading Hara’s personal space. He had to know, even if it would make him uncomfortable. He urged to learn about Hara’s worries, hoping he could do anything, even small, to help him.

After all, it was one of his many his duties as a coach. Watching over his teammates, and aiding them. Making sure they were always on their best condition, physical or mental. Hanamiya did all this, often sacrificing his own time and sanity for his team. He claimed it to be for a single goal; though, deep inside, he cared for them.

Hanamiya had to admit that such dullness disturbed him, despite him favoring stillness. His teammate’s behavior sort of worsened it, though Hanamiya wasn’t one to complain. He’d never experienced anything close to Hara’s issues, whatever they were.

“Captain, I have… Sort of an issue here.”

“What,” he folded his arms, frowning. “You tired? Wanna go home?”

Unruffled, Hanamiya watched as Hara rose his head, surprised, and recalled the letter’s words. He still longed to know the reason behind Hara’s mood swings, not having made any assumptions yet. Asking him, of course, wouldn’t be a good choice.

“Y-Yeah. Thought it would be a kick-ass day, but turned out I was wrong.”

Something was for sure, though. Hara needed help. Not the sloppy, light-hearted kind of help, but something deeper. The kind of help that would help Hanamiya and the rest of the group learn about Hara’s deepest worries. Something which would help Hara bring out his hidden, darker side.

Lowering his head, Hara joined his hands together, and muttered. “I-It ain’t nothing, don’t worry. I can keep playing-”

“And I think you shouldn’t,” Hanamiya interruped, raising his eyebrows, condescending. “Not only would it be illogical, but it could worsen your current state as well. It’s straight-out masochistic,” he declared, unfolding his arms as he stepped closer to Hara. “If you’re tired and wanna go home, then I won’t complain. You should know your health’s more important than the team.”

A silence then followed; Hara’s muttering soon broke it.

“I know, man. But… I would sorta feel bad if I just left.”

Hanamiya then sighed, annoyed, as he took a seat next to him. He’d thought Hara’s pranks were stressing enough to get used to. But it turned out that his mood swings were as tedious to deal with.

All that coming from someone that had just begun dwelling into Hara’s issues.

He clicked his tongue, trying to withstand his sudden loss of patience. “Listen, I know you’ll feel bad, ‘cause I’m sure you’re excited about this Interhigh. I know you wanna kick that power forward’s ass,” he spoke. Hanamiya then paused for a short moment, and sighed, locking his hands together. “Yet, as your coach, I would recommend you to go home. I appreciate the fact that you’re willing to stay, though. But right now, it’s best for you to go home and rest.”

Hara had done nothing but stare at him, bewildered. That was the most Hanamiya could do to convince him. Resorting to his underhanded, manipulative tactics would be useless.

Hanamiya turned away, pondering. His future self sure had put a bone-breaking task on him, asking him to leave pleasant habits behind. Dealing with Hara’s issues was _nothing_ compared to that. It seemed easier, even with his own empathy problems.

Drumming his fingers against his knees, Hara replied. “You sure 'bout that, Hana-chan?”

Nicknames were always a good sign, despite Hanamiya’s hatred towards them. It seemed like his comment had, somehow, uplifted Hara’s mood.

“Of course,” he grinned, patting Hara’s back with a slight ounce of strength. “Change into your tracksuit, pack your things, you know the deal. And, remember to take your time. Don’t wanna pressure you into doing stuff.”

Which Hanamiya had done quite a lot during his previous year.  
Hara took a while to stand up, and remained silent for a couple seconds. Perhaps he had to process all that had just happened.

Hanamiya had been watching over his behavior since he got the first letter. At first, he didn’t care that much, only doing so each day he got a letter. Seeing as his behavior got disturbing at times, though, it became a daily task. He’d even began writing down small observations about him on his schedules.

It was still too early to start making any assumptions.

Shortly afterwards, Hara stood up, reaching for his bag. Hanamiya, who usually wouldn’t have cared, smiled before this, feeling at ease with himself. He couldn’t recall any time before when something alike had happened. He’d felt nothing but pleasure and mild satisfaction.

Hanamiya was definitely right. His future self wanted him to change. But it wouldn’t be as easy as treating his teammates like people instead of pawns. He would have to change his entire persona, and Hanamiya sure as hell wasn’t ready for that.

“Captain?” Hara rose his voice, flicking his forehead afterwards. “You’re like, spacing out, dude. Something wrong?”

“Nah,” he shook his head. He had to come up with a good excuse, given it was Hara whom he spoke to. “Just thinking about what we should do on the next quarter. Nothing compelling.”

Nodding, Hara smiled at him. It seemed like Hanamiya’s words had left some sort of impression on him; or, at least, comforted him.

Hanamiya had to admit it. He enjoyed helping Hara, despite him not quite believing the letters. Perhaps it was a small voice inside him. One which often looked at the bright side of things, and which Hanamiya had ignored for a long, long time. Or his own self, who, deep inside, wanted to let go of his obscure habits.  
Either way, Hanamiya thought it was too early to figure out. And besides, it wasn’t his duty. There was no reason for him to even bother finding out. It would reveal itself later on.

“That’s, uh, cool, I-I guess,” Hara muttered, grabbing his bag’s strap. It seemed like he refused to let go of his smile. "Anyway, guess I’m leaving. I’ll watch you guys at home!“

Before his words, Hanamiya scoffed, grinning, and ruffled Hara’s hair before he left. With his fingers, he traced tiny circles and spirals on Hara’s head. Hanamiya did so without asking him, though Hara didn’t seem to care.

Somehow, Hanamiya had found Hara’s hair to be soft, perhaps the softest he’d touched. Withdrawing his hand soon became a harsh task. He could’ve sworn such a thing had never happened to him before, not even with his own relatives. He’d enjoyed it, but he couldn’t deny it’d been awkward as fuck.

Hanamiya patted his head for the last time, smirking at him. Deep inside, he wanted to apologize to Hara. Though, given his reaction, Hanamiya had thought saying something would be useless.

"Go have a good nap, idiot,” he patted Hara’s back, firm enough to leave a mark on it. “You need it.”

“And you go check your binder, captain,” Hara spoke back, standing by the door. “You know more than eight hours ain’t good.”

Hanamiya clicked his tongue in annoyance, twitching an eyebrow. “I know, don’t need to remind me.”

Then, Hara left, with a smile on his face. He left no trace of himself and a relieved Hanamiya behind him.

**···**

After a tedious match, which Hanamiya considered mediocre, going home felt like heaven. There weren’t many things which he wanted to do. Perhaps relaxing, or researching on his next opponents. Or enjoying a short nap before dinner, like he’d suggested Hara before.

It sure had been a long, exhausting day, with all the musing and talking and scheming. He wondered if Hara had done as he’d requested. The only thing which comforted him was the fact that he’d took off his binder right after the match. Now breathing was easier than before, but his ribs still pushed against his lungs. Deep breaths, though, were a hard, almost impossible task.

Before anything, he’d left his bag on the floor, sitting on the tile afterwards. His mother stepped into the genkan as he untied his trainers. While Hanamiya noticed her, he refused to turn, as he could talk to her without doing so.

“Welcome home, Makoto,” she smiled, stopping by the table, and joined her hands together. “How did the match go? Did you have fun?”

Hanamiya showed a faint smile, and left his trainers near the rest of the shoes. Mom’s voice was gentle as usual. “Yeah, kinda,” he paused, grabbing his slippers. “It became effortless near the end, so we won by a reasonable margin.”

“Ten points?” his mother asked, intrigued. 

Amused, Hanamiya kept a cackle to himself, standing up. “Fourty-one.”

The woman’s eyes lightened up, and she rose her eyebrows, astonished. Her face then relaxed, and she looked at Hanamiya, fascinated, soon revealing a smile. Hanamiya couldn’t but look at her, unable to stop grinning.

“That- That’s incredible, dear!” she hugged him, burying her head on one of his shoulders, with enough strength to push against his ribs. Hanamiya, though, withstood the pain, not wanting to bother her. “I’m sure you guys have improved a lot since last year.”

“Y-Yeah,” Hanamiya’s lips twitched as he nodded. He’d always felt terrible when lying to his mother, thought it had to be that way. “Our coach… He’s gotten pretty aggressive lately. His schedules are now longer than ever and we can’t complain about it. So, I guess we’ve improved after all.”

Hanamiya’s mother then withdrew herself. Her smile hadn’t vanished; she stared at the floor, and then turned back to her son, playing with her hair.

“I’m glad to hear that,” she paused, looking distant for a moment. Hanamiya’s smile vanished. “Still, I would’ve loved to watch you play. Makoto, I’m sure you already know, but mom’s always cluttered with work. I can’t ever attend your matches. I almost did last year, though I had to attend a client’s request at the last minute.”

A thought came to Hanamiya’s mind.

“…It’s fine, mom,” he muttered, unzipping his jacket, which had gotten sticky. Hanamiya couldn’t bear that kind of texture. “Guess I’ll be going to my room,” he grabbed his bag, and stepped towards the stairs, as if he were in a hurry. “I could use a short rest.”

> **···**

_“…you’ll regret it. I won’t mention why.”_

It was the first time Hanamiya had felt any sort of guilt about the letter. To think that a simple piece of paper had brought remorse to him was embarrassing, and he knew. Guilt ran through his veins, pumped his blood, and seemed hesitant to leave him.

Hanamiya could swear he’d never felt that guilty before. Not even during middle school, when he flipped over his basketball team on a single day.

This, though, was different. There was a slight chance his mother would find out about rough play. Hanamiya wanted anything but that. He didn’t want to endanger not his, but his mother as well.

The letter, hadn’t implied any of that. Those had been nothing but Hanamiya’s assumptions. He’d created them based off his own experiences and thoughts, so they weren’t accurate. Reality, of course, was different from his ideas. 

Aside from them, Hanamiya tried to figure out why his future self wanted him to change so bad. And it took him seconds to do so.

“That’s it,” he thought to himself, drumming his fingers against a book. “He wants me to change to erase his regrets. His, and my regrets as well.”

Such a thought would’ve usually brought laughter to himself. Hanamiya, though, didn’t believe it was a good time to laugh, considering the weight of his sins. Any choice he made now would affect his future, so he didn’t want to make shitty ones.

Again, he felt exhausted, perhaps more than before. It wasn’t the right time to ponder about it, and he knew. Hanamiya was well aware of it, just like he was aware of his schemes and goals. Except fixing the later was a more grueling task.

But nothing would stop him from reasoning. And, right now, he wanted to do nothing but talk about his sudden existential dreads. Luckily, he knew the _perfect_ person to talk to.

Leaning back on his chair, Hanamiya recalled his backache, and grabbed his phone afterwards. His face had kept a solid blank since he came back from the genkan, after speaking with his mother.

Detached, he pressed the small LINE icon, and his first contact as well. He then began typing, eyes fixed on the screen before him. He typed, ignoring any sort of feelings and guilt and regrets. Now it wasn’t the time for those.

“Kojiro, remember what I mentioned the other day?”

“Well, seems like I was right. There’s more to these letters than saving Kazuya. Yet this might just be my luck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another change, Hanamiya is a trans guy here, and mom supports him. Won't dig too much on it as it isn't anything revelant. I know what I'm doing, trust me.
> 
> I'll just say this. I'll /try/ to write daily, even if it's like 10 or 20 words or an entire paragraph. I may go on short hiatuses and only update once a month, but I promise I will finish this. Even if it takes me years and I turn 20 and join University.
> 
> There's a reference on this chapter's title which I don't regret at all. Spider-themed villains are the best.
> 
> Philosophy and History exams on the same fucking week. Don't expect anything until late December. Seriously, these teachers are fucking sadistic.


	10. the other self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanamiya talks a lot. He talks, and thinks, and ponders, and goes on a travel of self-discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second installment on Hanamiya's Saga. I loved writing this. A lot of character development and foreshadowing crammed on the most important chapter so far.

Near the Interhigh's building, there was a small, hidden park. It seemed like nobody knew about its existence, nor anybody had ever stopped by. 

Said park was as cloaked as it could be, covered by an array of trees and bushes and diverse kinds of plants. The park was petite as well, with a couple benches and bins and a fountain on its center. Sunlight filtered through the leaves, and a soft, warm breeze surrounded the entire place. All this created a soothing, delightful atmosphere, which soon enveloped anyone who joined.

This included Hanamiya. He'd found it prior their next match, where they would play against Shuutoku. Having found it a pleasant place, he'd decided to not only eat breakfast, but bring Furuhashi as well. They'd unfinished their previous talk, and Hanamiya hated leaving stuff incomplete.

Besides, he liked Furuhashi's advice.

Furuhashi broke his chopsticks. "You mean," he frowned, concerned after Hanamiya's words, "you're gonna change yourself?"

"Not sure yet," Hanamiya clicked his tongue, turning away from his bentou, indifferent. "I know what my future self's trying to do. But, right now, I don't see the point."

"And you're not ready."

Grinning, Hanamiya chuckled, displeased. "You think it's something I can achieve in three days?" he paused, and took a deep breath, picking his omelette from the bentou. "Stop messing around, Kojiro. It's gonna take much longer than three days, and you know it well."

"Fine," Furuhashi replied, listless, as Hanamiya ate. "Mine's been giving the same sort of advice. Like you, I used to believe it was bullshit. Though, if you look at it from a logical point of view, it makes sense."

Hanamiya scowled, leaving his chopsticks on top of his bento. "So you believe all that future crap?"

"Kinda," he stole one of Hanamiya's octopus-shaped sausages. Unlike other times, Hanamiya didn't mind. He turned to Furuhashi, agitated. "You don't?"

"Well, first of all, there isn't any proof these letters are from the future. This all could be a prank. But," Hanamiya stretched out his arms, letting out a yawn in the process, "they might not be wrong. I still can't believe them, though."

"Sure?" Seto joined them and leaned against a tree. He gave Hanamiya a condescending look, to which the man clicked his tongue. "Makoto, these are just my thoughts, but... Are you sure you aren't refusing to believe?"

Pestered, Hanamiya hissed. It wasn't the first time Seto had read his mind. But it was the first time Seto had dragged such a reaction from him. Never before had Hanamiya hissed or glared at Seto like that; not even after the toughest of comments. 

But knowing Seto wanted to get involved, Hanamiya couldn't help losing his cool. It wasn't like he could've avoided it, though.

Pissed, Hanamiya brought a hand to his head, rolling his eyes in the process. "God, Kentaro, you're gonna give me a headache," he complained. "Yesterday has been exhausting enough for you to come and give me this crap."

"That proves I'm right," Seto smirked, triumphant.

Wasted, Hanamiya cackled at him, grabbing his bentou. "Bet you've known since the beginning," he stood up, and stepped towards a bin.

"Hanamiya, being honest," having finished his pear, Furuhashi spoke, "we've all known. The only one that doesn't is Yamazaki."

"Yeah, I sort of tricked him. Right now, Yama thinks I trust the letter, though I bet he'll start suspecting soon-"

"Hiroshi's not as clumsy as you think," Seto interrupted Hanamiya as he sat back on the bench.

" _Now you're testing me_ ," Hanamiya thought to himself. Keeping his cool before Seto's clever, snarky comments was useless.

Him, alongside Imayoshi, his former senpai, were the few people able to piss him off. Not only could they read him, but they also managed to come up with the right comments. Except that, while it was ingrained in Imayoshi's personality, Seto did it on purpose.

Them meeting each other was one of Hanamiya's worst nightmares. And he didn't mean it as a joke.

"Yama's already stressed as fuck with his own letters. Dunno why we should bother him with our own crap," Hanamiya shook his shoulders. "Besides, I'm aware he ain't an idiot after all. He knows what he's doing and what he wants to do. And, Kentaro, maybe you're right and I'm underestimating him-"

"It's because you _are_ underestimating him," Seto replied. "Besides, why're we even talking about Hiroshi?"

"Guess someone thought derailing our conversation was a good idea," Hanamiya hinted, half-smirking.

A pause followed their words. Hanamiya soon realized that he'd been the one to derail their talk. He did so for no actual reason, other than not willing to confront his own problems. 

Cautious, Hanamiya hoped neither Seto nor Furuhashi would find out.

"Anyway, Hanamiya," Furuhashi looked at Hanamiya with the same emptiness as always. "Shouldn't you give-"

"Yeah, I know. Give it some thought, then see if I have the balls to do it. It sounds pretty damn simple when you say it."

"So I guess you'll-"

"Kojiro, you should know already," Seto interrupted. Hanamiya lost count of how many times they'd interrupted each other. "Makoto isn't the kind of person to follow orders. Let alone those which oppose his ideas. Unless something manages to change his mind, I doubt Makoto will grow."

Infuriated, Furuhashi took a deep breath, and placed his hands on his lap. "It sure would be marvelous if you two ceased interrupting me."

Cackling, Hanamiya recalled the last time Furuhashi made a similar comment. They'd always been spontaneous, as if Furuhashi could never control them. Those comments grew along his loss of patience, and they always guaranteed Hanamiya's laughter.

On the other side, Hanamiya had to agree with Seto. He wouldn't mention anything, as he didn't want to reveal any of his weaknesses. But Seto's comment had struck him like nothing else had before.

Hanamiya sure as hell wasn't going to change himself. He knew well. No matter how his future self urged him to; he would always refuse. Rough play was now a part of him, and he doubted he would ever let go of it. And the pleasure he felt when he left any victims behind would always be unique. 

Yet there would be an exception to this. 

Hanamiya, though, couldn't help but laugh at said idea. He couldn't think of anything that would change his mind. Something that would drive him away from the 'Bad Boy'. Something that would change his views on rough play.

Unable to keep his laughter, he cackled in front of his teammates, with small tears on his eyes. Laughter made his stomach hurt, and his lungs pushed against his ribs. Seto's words had been idiotic.

"You speak as if you knew everything, Kentaro," he turned to Seto, with that distinctive grin of his. "Bugging as if you saw the future. As if you could see my future. Acting like you know how everything's gonna turn out to be. How lame!"

Perplexed, Seto scowled at him. "Makoto, forgive me if I'm wrong. But, just now, you were reasoning something. I don't believe my words have been idiotic at all."

"I never deemed your words as idiotic, Kentaro," Hanamiya turned away, annoyed. "Besides, the one who's being idiotic here is my future self. I just can't see the point on changing."

"I don't see the point either, Hanamiya," Furuhashi blinked, cold as usual. "But the future is unpredictable. Not even you know what will happen. Maybe you're the one that's behaving like he knows everything, when you don't."

As soon as Furuhashi ended, Hanamiya stood up, hesitant to talk. He then grabbed his bag, stepping towards the park's exit. The other boys could only stare at him. Their talk, though, hadn't been the reason for this.

Furuhashi then turned to him. "Hanamiya," he spoke, confused, twitching an eyebrow, "what-"

"We have a match, remember?" the captain grinned.

···

Exhausted, Hanamiya gave the scoreboard an indifferent look, frowning.

_101-116_

That day, he hadn't gotten any letter telling him about their loss. He hadn't put much effort, not even with a King as their rival. Even when Midorima Shintarou, the Generation of Miracle's shooting guard, had stood before him. Even when Midorima had made a three-pointer in front of him.

Hanamiya had kept the same blank expression throughout the entire match. And the boys had played as usual; with the exception that, this time, they hadn't resorted to rough play.

It had been a regular match. Kirisaki Daiichi's revolting, teal-tainted aura had surrounded the court. Dozens, even hundreds of people had watched, hysterical, awaiting for an injury to happen. Shuutoku's coach, Nakatani, had suspected the whole hour. So had the team. Particularly Takao Kazunari, who'd dared to ask Hanamiya about it.

But he'd never gotten an answer. Hanamiya had never replied to him. Neither Takao, nor Yamazaki, who'd also asked during break. Midorima had thought of asking as well, only to deem Hanamiya's behavior as 'foolish'.

No rough play. No Spider's Web. Nothing which Kirisaki Daiichi were known for. They'd played as if they were a normal team and not the thought-provoking brats people knew them as. The match, though, had been as ominous as it could get.

Nobody on the team had lamented that loss either. Yamazaki and Hara had shed a couple tears, only to recall that it was just the Interhigh. "There's nothing to sob about," Hanamiya had told them. After all, they still had the Winter Cup, which, at the same time, would be their last one.

A whistle gathered both teams in the middle of the court. The Kings, orange; the spiders, teal. All them, fatigued, after what could've been one of Kirisaki Daiichi's few decent matches. Perhaps the only one worth deeming 'decent'.

Miyaji Yuuya, Shuutoku's new captain, showing a stern look. Yamazaki, discouraged, wiping a tear away from his eye. Midorima, lifting up his glasses as he spread out his arm, lowkey sorry for the boy in front of him.

And Takao, looking all confused as Hanamiya shook his hand. He blinked and shifted his eyes all over again, wondering what had happened. Meanwhile, Hanamiya didn't show an ounce of emotions. He was indifferent like before.

That bewildered, frowning Takao, would later request Midorima to speak with him. Midorima only followed his request because he, too, had to know  _what the hell_ had happened.

"Hanamiya," he spoke, nearing the building's exit. "Don't you have anything to say?"

Sighing, Hanamiya stopped near one of the doors. "What? Today's match?"

"Takao wouldn't stop insisting. And, to say the truth, it shocked me as well. This was nothing like your usual plays."

Hanamiya turned to Midorima, and cackled, grinning afterwards. "I didn't even play against you last year."

"I wasn't referring to that," the green-haired boy lifted up his glasses, harsh as ever. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. It's just that you love fooling around."

Hanamiya could never stress enough how much he hated dealing with any of the Miracles. Dealing with Midorima reminded him of Aomine last year. Except that Midorima wouldn't warn him about some phantom brat kicking his ass.

"Ah, yeah," he rolled his eyes. "Boring. It was all three-pointers and passes and Takao helping you out with long-range crap. Would've been thrilled if, at least, your senpai hadn't retired."

Another of Hanamiya's lies. It wasn't as believable as his other ones were; he didn't even think it would save him time. He hadn't even thought about it. The lie had come all by itself, and Hanamiya had greeted it as nothing.

But Midorima wasn't anything like Hanamiya thought. He was, perhaps, the moodiest of the Miracles. The one who complained about pranks, and took pride on everything, no matter how small. The one who worked all by himself, never asking for help.

And the one who could see through Hanamiya's lies.

"That was quite foolish coming from someone like you," Midorima spoke back.

Touched, the spider rose an eyebrow, half-smirking. "Prove it."

"I don't need to prove anything. You refused to use rough play because you knew you would lose."

"I could've gone rough, idiot," Hanamiya snorted. "Besides, I was well-aware I would lose. My team's not polished enough to surpass you, or any other of you Miracles, just now. Of course, we could've used rough play and gotten rid of Takao. But I felt like playing it safe."

"Takao?" Midorima frowned.

"A boring match indeed," Hanamiya paused, showing his hidden self. "Besides, without Takao, all we would've had to worry about would've been your shots. If the light's gone, the shadow's no more. Don't you know?"

Midorima took a deep breath, grabbing his bag from the floor. "You're as sickening as ever. If anything... If the match had been that boring, you would've resorted to rough play."

Gazing at him, Hanamiya frowned, intrigued. Midorima had seen right through him. For a moment, he'd felt trapped in his own web.

"Continue."

"You were having fun, Hanamiya. You enjoyed our match. You've used rough play for so long that you've forgotten how a true match feels like. That's all I have to say in the matter."

Midorima had spoken nothing but the truth. Yet, as always, Hanamiya refused to acknowledge it. Admitting his defeat in front of one of the Miracles would be embarrassing himself. Hanamiya knew this, and so he decided to follow his instinct.

Which didn't forbid him from cackling and laughing at Midorima's words as if he were Takao.

Laughter surrounded the hall, and Midorima's expression didn't change. Neither annoyed, nor infuriated. He just gave Hanamiya a disappointed look, while the spider snorted at him.

Dealing with Miracles was a pain in the ass. They always spoke as if they were deities, always claiming to be right. Those were Hanamiya's thoughts on them. He didn't see them as geniuses; only wips praised for their odd hair and abilities. Two of them, though, had now managed to transcend him.

First, Aomine, when he predicted Hanamiya's loss before Seirin. Now, Midorima, who had just outspoken him and seen through his lies.

Midorima took a deep breath. "Laugh all you want, Bad Boy. But the sole reason you're laughing is because I'm right."

Afterwards, Midorima left, leaving an amused, annoyed spider behind him. Hanamiya left the building as well, not willing to deal with anybody else. Particularly with his teammates, any of Shuutoku's members, or another possible Miracle.

···

Yamazaki rose an eyebrow, pouting. "What... What exactly are you doing here!?"

Hanamiya shook his shoulders at him, indifferent. To him, Yamazaki's room was the closest to a hellhole he'd ever seen.

Clothes and books were scattered all over the room. Empty cans and potato bags lied on his desk, near his homework, as he didn't mind ruining his projects. Many videogames on his shelf, all them misplaced and looking like they would fall at any moment. The bed's sheets were undone. Yamazaki's uniform, phone, and a small laptop were trapped beneath them. His bigger shelf was untidy as well. Books and figures and videogames were all thrown together.

Not to mention that the entire room gave off a rotten feeling. It smelled like deodorant mixed with spoiled socks and whatever Yamazaki ate. To make things worse, the window was closed and his room had no fans. It was them, May's heat and a spoiled room locked together.

Hanamiya wanted to puke. "Do you ever clean your room?" he looked around, disgusted.

"Shut the fuck up," Yamazaki rose from his seat, scowling. "Anyway, what the hell brings you here? Is it because I couldn't beat Midorima?"

Hanamiya snorted, amused by Yamazaki's words. "So, can't I visit you sometimes?" he gave Yamazaki a condescending, arrogant look. "Besides, I'm not here to scold you. If anything, you did good. I just wanted to talk, that's all."

Yamazaki's expression softened as he sat on the bed, still staring at his captain. "Could it be about Hara?"

"It ain't about Kazuya," Hanamiya closed the door behind him, leaning on it afterwards. "Though it has to do with the letters."

Nodding, Yamazaki checked his messages, soon distracting himself from their conversation. "Hara's, uh, doing well. Today's match sort of fucked him up, so he went to the arcade with Seto," he paused. Hanamiya felt like asking him about his letters. "I just hope this loss doesn't affect him that much. 'Cause, you know Hara, well... Small things seem to bother him a lot. And, well, I wish I could do something about that."

"You gotta trust your teammates, Yama," Hanamiya cracked his knuckles. "Thought you knew, but you ain't the only one that's worried about Kazuya."

Yamazaki lowered his head. "Sorry for all the jabber, I guess," he apologized, and turned off his phone.

Hanamiya turned to him, and then turned back to the room. "No need to apologize."

He, too, worried about Hara's feelings towards that day's match. And, like Yamazaki, he wished he could've done something about it. Not just patting Hara's head and suggesting him to rest. The same which he'd done with the rest of the team.

Hara, though, wouldn't be the main focus of their discussion. Hanamiya had already specified it.

His previous talks with Furuhashi and Seto had made Hanamiya ponder. He'd determined that he'd been talking to the wrong people. They weren't empathetic as Yamazaki, nor could they give him advice without being sarcastic.

That's why Hanamiya needed Yamazaki's advice. Odds were that he wouldn't even follow it, but it would help him think and ponder on a good outcome. For him, that was enough.

"What exactly did you wanna talk about, though?" Yamazaki questioned, intrigued.

"Remember when I told you about my letter?"

"Uh, kinda," Yamazaki fell on his bed. "You said something about your future self, and how he wanted you to change, right?"

"Yeah. He's been yakking about it a lot," Hanamiya crossed his arms, aloof. "Last time he said I would feel guilty about breaking a guy's leg. And, believe it or not, he was right."

"You mean yesterday, when we played against Senshinkan?"

"At first, I thought it was nothing but a shitty joke. Then, I went home," he lowered his gaze for a moment, "and mom commented that she would've loved to see me play. There, it hit me."

Yamazaki took his time to reply, as if he'd gotten thoughtful. 

The room's spoiled smell seemed to disappear. Or, perhaps, Hanamiya had involved himself too much on their conversation. Either way, that smell had now become  _bearable_.

"Hanamiya, this is just me... But I believe your future self has a point."

"I know, idiot," he turned to Yamazaki once again, half-smirking. "He wants me to change so he can let go of his other regrets. I'm certain that, if I can't redeem myself now, something will happen. And that something will make me consider it."

Yamazaki turned his body. "Do you have any idea of what it could be?"

"It most likely has to do with mom," he took a short breath, concerned. "I don't even wanna think about it," Hanamiya frowned. "I've already hurt her a lot. Sure, telling her about all the crap I've done and keep doing would fix it, but at what cost?"

"W-Well, you're right too," Yamazaki muttered, unsure of himself. "But, if you asked me... I would say it's a good idea. In the end, though, it all depends on yourself. Like, whether you wanna change or wanna keep hurting people it's your choice."

Frowning, Hanamiya spoke. "Now you're just giving me the same shit Kojiro did."

Perhaps relying on Yamazaki's advice had been a bad choice.

"Look, I-I'm aware I suck when it comes to advice!" Yamazaki cried, standing up and turning to Hanamiya. "But it's your fucking choice! Maybe you'll find me useful, at least a tiny bit, but, like, I only have one question. One fucking question!" he sat back, dropping his body on the mattress.

"Tell me," Hanamiya softened up.

Yamazaki took a deep breath, on an attempt to calm down. "What if the reason your future self's giving you all that shit is because he couldn't do it himself?"

Yamazaki's words just now had made him ponder like nothing before.

Hanamiya knew himself. He knew himself quite well. He knew his goals and ambitions, many books, who to avoid, and his role as a coach among many others.

The letter, though, was nowhere to be found. Hanamiya had dismissed it, having thought of it as a joke. Though he'd decided to follow its instructions just in case, even asking Hara about his mood. Because, deep inside, he _cared_.

Somehow, Hanamiya had never stopped to think about his future self. Hanamiya had just assumed him to be another brat. A kid who'd bullshitted his way through his third year. A kid who had left nasty plays behind himself, and forgot his team afterwards.

Hanamiya hadn't considered that he'd regretted his life choices, particularly rough play. That all those teams he'd left behind would turn back at him and haunt him for years. That his actions would hurt mom more than he'd thought.

Perplexed, he snapped out of his mind. "That makes sense."

"I-I mean, captain, it's just a theory. But, looking at you... It kinda does."

Hanamiya withdrew himself from the door, stealing Yamazaki's seat. Then, he turned to him. "If anything, lemme rephrase that. What you're saying is that my future self fucked up, perhaps more than I."

"Uh," Yamazaki hesitated, "I guess?"

"He fucked up, and hurt himself, mom, and pretty much everyone. And now, he's writing to me and telling me, 'cause he needs me to redeem myself so I don't regret anything."

"Y-Yeah, I guess!" Yamazaki shouted, amazed. "Those are, like, your own assumptions, but it makes a lot of sense!"

Nodding, Hanamiya grinned, confident with himself. "It makes sense to me as well," he lowered his head. "Dunno why I didn't think of it before."

"Maybe 'cause you didn't, well, give a shit about the letters-"

"I _did_ , Yama," Hanamiya interrupted him, ruining his excitement.

Yamazaki frowned again, now pissed off. "Now, well, you know that your future self has a point. O-Of course, they're just assumptions-"

"I don't think so, Yama," once again, he interrupted Yamazaki, hesitant to his reaction. "Knowing myself, I believe all them to be true."

"Guess that makes sense as well," Yamazaki grumbled.

"I'll admit he has a good point," Hanamiya reflected, placing one of his hands on his forehead. "But I'll still have to think about it."

"You mean you'll never fucking do it."

Hanamiya took a deep breath, doing his best to not scold his teammate. "Not callin' you an idiot, Yama, but, if you were on my place, you wouldn't redempt yourself this early. You would be disoriented, and given your nature," he paused, "you would fuck up. A lot."

Annoyed at his words, Yamazaki howled. "But will you actually try to change yourself?"

"I'm telling you, Yama," he soughed. "Even if I'm certain on what to do, I'll still have to think about it. It's not something that will immediately fix everything, let alone my regrets. And, well, I can't promise anything."

"So it's, like, fifty-fifty?" Yamazaki rose an eyebrow, intrigued, and stood up from bed.

"Yeah," Hanamiya snorted back, grinning. "Though it's more on the right side. I'll still have to give it some thought," he stood up.

Hanamiya noticed his ribs had begun to hurt. That pain spread to his lungs; and, soon, to his back and shoulders and the rest of his body. He would still need a while to get used to the binder.

It was time to go back home. The Disciplinary Commitee had left him some nice reports, and he had to earn the new member's respect. Besides, mom had most likely begun worrying about him, as it was getting late. And he didn't felt like bothering Yamazaki too much, as he'd found his answer.

"Guess I'm leaving," Hanamiya stepped towards the door, grabbing its knob.

"Wait!" Yamazaki barked, and Hanamiya stopped before opening the door. What was it now? "I-I have another question!"

"You're being irritating, Yama," Hanamiya frowned. "What's it?"

"Do you think... We can save Hara?"

Hanamiya didn't have an opinion on that. It had only been a month since he'd received the letters. Not even him, the most logical one out of the group, knew how to reply. After all, he couldn't see the future ahead of them.

He knew, though, that as a coach, he had to look after his teammates' moods. Hanamiya saw Yamazaki as their emotional support. That's why he _lied_ to him.

Smirking, he lowered his head. "Of course we'll save him, idiot."

···

As he walked back home, Hanamiya thought of his previous talk with Midorima.

It pissed him off, but he had to admit it. The Miracle had been right. He missed the thrill of a good match. The kind of match in which the outcome was unpredictable. Where teams fought back and forth, with an insignificant point difference. A match where he would grin, even cackle as he played and the result arrived.

Hanamiya wanted to believe that Midorima's words hadn't made any sense, but they had. Like Yamazaki, they'd left him thinking. Thinking and pondering and musing.

Somehow, all the thinking and pondering and musing led to the same question.

_"Is this what my future self wants?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so fun to write you wouldn't believe me.
> 
> No more updates until mid-december, though. I have exams, and projects, and irl stuff. And a game to play (Pokemon Moon), which will distract me from pretty much everything.
> 
> Next chapter is another Hanamiya chapter, and then we're back to Yamazaki. God, nine (9) chapters covering the fic's first two months are tiring. But I can promise the good stuff will start soon.
> 
> Apologies for the possible ooc.


	11. at the rooftop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanamiya does a lot of stuff and reminds Yamazaki he's not American. The plot progresses, by the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After learning I have a mood disorder, I came back from Hell and started writing this thing. Enjoy.
> 
> And apologies for the wait! I had... some real life stuff going on. Just a tiny bit.

**May 30.**

_Today, there’s stuff going on with the Disciplinary Committee. Since you were busy with the Interhigh, you weren’t told anything._

_To summarize it, there’s a bullying case going on within the first years. Since the victim was afraid of it getting worse, she reported her abusers. And now you’ll have to deal with them._

_Be as severe as you can. Back then, I underestimated them, something which I deeply regret right now. I thought bullying was nothing but kids being dicks. Something idiotic, I know._

_Besides, there’s something going on with Kazuya. I saw him after dealing with the bullies. He thanked me for something which I took a while to realize. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day._

_It got worse at practice. We had a discussion, as he wanted to leave without permission. He seemed pretty agitated then. He also refused to talk with any of us during the following days. Kazuya avoided us for an entire week._

_I hope you can do something about him as well._

···

It had been long since the Disciplinary Committee last reunited. Hanamiya could hardly recall the last time they had discussed something. Hell, he’d even forgotten about it, having focused on his duties as a coach instead.

Besides, he had no reason for being there. If keeping a clean, polished image of himself counted as one, of course. He’d been there for his entire school life, writing papers and discussing. Showing himself as a decent individual, hiding his dirtier persona from his classmates.

Pouting, Hanamiya recalled those days. Back then, there were no letters. All he worried about was dragging too much attention, and whether mom was pushing herself. Basketball was an issue too, but not something which Hanamiya had considered remotely important.

On the other side, Hanamiya had never dealt with any sort of bullies until now. He’d thought it would be like dealing with his opponents on the court, until the letter told him the opposite.

He didn’t know where to start. Was it the room’s silent atmosphere, or one of the bullies drumming his fingers against the table, Hanamiya couldn’t explain it. Perhaps it was too much, or too little. He could only describe it as something coming from a book.

“Alright,” Kizaki, the Committee’s vice-president, sat down. “These are the kids we’re dealing with, right?”

Hanamiya nodded, indifferent. “Yeah. If anything, we could’ve chosen a better day. The Interhigh’s been exhausting and I don’t feel like attending these kind of issues.”

“I’ll have to agree with you, Hanamiya. Being us the only members right now, bet it’ll be hard. But it’s our duty after all.”

Kizaki then took a deep breath, and grabbed some sheets next to her. 

The bullies looked at them, and then at the door, as if they wanted to escape. They weren’t ready to be judged like that. One of them stopped making noise and crossed his arms on the table. His gaze, fixed on the students before him; his hands, shaking. The other one, whoses heart beat at full force, joined his hands and stared at them, trying to avoid any sort of eye contact.

Afterwards, Kizaki cleared her throat, and proceeded to read one of the sheets. Hanamiya still was reluctant to them.

“Nao Kawanishi and Hiroto Mizuki, am I right?”

The bullies nodded, silent. Kizaki then gave Hanamiya some sheets, which supposedly included information regarding the case. Hanamiya gave them a tired look, and placed them in front of him, vaguely reading them.

When he thought he wouldn’t care, a certain sentence on one of the boy’s profiles woke him up.

“Kizaki,” Hanamiya blinked, less indifferent than before, “we should get going.”

“Right. So, you two,” Kizaki turned to the bullies. “We’ve gotten several reports about you, particularly from Nana Akagi. In all her reports, she’s stated that you’ve been harassing her in front of people. She’s also reported that you’ve been telling people to avoid her.”

Hanamiya cleared his throat, and proceeded to read himself. “A 2nd year student has also addressed that you’ve been taking pictures of her, but not normal ones. You’ve taken pictures of her while she cried and had breakdowns after you’ve harassed her. The same person has doubted whether you’ve spread or shared those pictures”

Gulping, Nao lowered his heads, his shoulders turning rigid. “W-Well, I may have sent some of them.

"Which ones?” Hanamiya scowled, crossing his arms.

“T-the funniest ones. Like,” Nao giggled, “there’s one in which she’s biting her arm. I think I’ve sent that one to all the first years I know.”

Hanamiya leaned forward, displeased. “Do you think those people whom you’ve shared the picture with have done something?”

Nao shook his head. “I dunno!” he cried. “Maybe they’ve laughed at them, or maybe they’ve deleted them. Or, well, they could’ve shared it with other people.”

“Great. You two sure haven’t thought of the consequences to all of this,” Hanamiya muttered, exhausted. That conversation would take a heavy toll on him. “In recert reports, Akagi has stated that she’s afraid of going back here. Apparently, she fears more and more people will start harassing her like you two do.”

“Harassing?” Hiroto frowned, standing up from his seat. “We’ve just been playing pranks on her! Nothing else!”

Kizaki stood up as well, and snorted. “I don’t think bullying someone like that counts as a prank. Besides, Hanamiya, for how long has this been happening?”

“Students from Iwagawa Middle School reported a similar issue last year. However, nothing could be done about it, so Akagi had to change schools. And it seems like these two showed interest in Kirisaki Daiichi as well.”

“Iwagawa Middle,” Kizaki sighed as she sat down. “Lately, there have been dozens of bullying cases being reported there.”

“I’ve myself heard of one which made my blood boil,” Hanamiya looked at the sheets under him. “The victim attempted suicide twice because of its severity. Their name’s being kept a secret, since their brother doesn’t want anybody to learn about it. But I remember it began the same way Akagi’s case did.”

Preoccupied, Kizaki looked at him. “Isn’t that the same case which only lasted a year?”

“Yeah, ‘Iwagawa’s Spoiled Year’. It’s a pretty famous case, but the victim and their relatives would love to keep it secret.”

“Whoever the victim was, I hope they’re safe now,” Kizaki declared, grabbing her sheets. She then turned back to the culprits. “Well, you’ve heard him.”

“Well, honestly,” Hiroto lowered his eyes, uneasy, “I don’t think we’re harming Akagi like that. Like, I’ve told you, it’s just pranks. A couple pranks can’t make someone commit suicide-”

“I’ve just told you, idiot,” Hanamiya stood up, yawning, pissed at Hiroto’s words. “What you’re doing to Akagi is the thing that started Iwagawa’s Spoiled Year. People back then thought it was fun and games and all that crap until the guy attempted suicide. It was shown all over the region, and the culprits were sent numerous death threats through the Internet. They were eventually taken into custody, though there’s still crap going on there.”

“Bu-but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be the same!” angered, Hiroto shouted. “It won’t escalate that quickly!”

“He’s right!” Nao affirmed, half-grinning. “Besides, this place ain’t like Iwagawa.”

“You’re right, Nao,” Hanamiya replied, condescending. “Kirisaki Daiichi and Iwagawa Middle are different. That’s why bullies here are banned for three weeks.”

Both bullies stared, frightened. “ _Three_ weeks!?” they yelled at the same time, shocked.

Hanamiya hoped he was doing as the letter -as his future self wanted him to. He usually would’ve ignored that kind of cases, deeming them as minor. Hanamiya wasn’t one to sit down and deal with two uneducated brats for two hours.

He then recalled that Hara came from Iwagawa Middle. It made him uneasy. He hoped Hara hadn’t been involved on anything.

“You’ve heard it right,” Kizaki spoke with a cold, untouched look. “And thank God it’s just three weeks. People here have been expelled for similar cases. Three weeks is the least you’re getting. You should be thankful.”

The bullies stood up, and kept staring, frightened. Kizaki, who now leaned against one of the walls, looked proud of herself. Thought Hanamiya had been the main character this time, even without expecting it.

Hanamiya himself was as quiet and indifferent as before, because it wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before.

He’d dealt with worse cases and individuals. He’d seen revolting videos and heard crushing reports from people all over the school. He’d even engaged himself in hour-long debates over minimal issues, which made the recent one look like nothing. All of this to make people recognize him, and to cover the fact that, deep inside, he enjoyed playing rough.

The Disciplinary Committee sure had been a good option. But it took countless hours from Hanamiya, which he could use to polish his schedules. He didn’t regret joining it, though.

“We still have to discuss this with the principal. But you can leave now,” Kizaki demanded. The bullies then stood up and left the room without making any noise.

Afterwards, Kizaki patted Hanamiya’s shoulder, only to withdraw her hand. Rather than confident, Hanamiya looked relieved. He wouldn’t have endured two, even three hours of yelling and stupid arguments and made-up proofs.

Everyone in the Committee loved him for that.

“This would’ve lasted about three hours without you,” Kizaki sat down, bold, and crossed her legs. “Why don’t you become our President?”

Frowning, Hanamiya sighed, worn-out. “The basketball club’s already a pain in the ass. Besides, y'know I don’t really care about this club. It would just be wasting my time.”

Amused, Kizaki rose her eyebrows. “But you enjoy all kinds of arguing and debating,” she snorted. “And you’re amazing at them.”

Hanamiya then stepped towards the door, still indifferent, and grabbed the doorknob. He turned to Kizaki. “Yeah, but that’s when I’m in the mood and hadn’t dealt with Kazuya the day before.”

···

The letter’s words turned out to be right as always.

After that debate, Hanamiya found Hara near the club’s room. While he looked the same as always, Hanamiya could sense that something troubled him. He didn’t seem anxious; rather than that, he seemed thoughtful.

Hanamiya was still doubtful regarding Hara’s upcoming death. Helping him, though, always made for a good choice.

He walked up to Hara and slammed his back, successfully dragging Hara’s attention to him. “You wanted something?”

Hara, however, didn’t reply. Instead, he lowered his head, avoiding Hanamiya’s eyes, reluctant to any talking. Perhaps it was the noise or the tremendous amount of people around them. Or maybe Hanamiya had slammed him too hard.

Hanamiya doubted that as well. Even in the most quiet places, Hara had sometimes refused to talk.

There was one place which Hara loved, though. And it just came to Hanamiya’s mind after looking around himself.

“Wanna go to the roof?” Hanamiya rose his voice so Hara could hear him. He, too, was getting tired of that swarm of people and that sick smell which surrounded them.

He remained silent for a while. But, after almost a minute, Hara finally nodded. He didn’t speak or anything. He just nodded slowly, accepting Hanamiya’s suggestion, knowing it was the best choice.

Before his response, Hanamiya smirked, and almost dragged him to the rooftop. Choosing the best route was a tedious task as always, considering how they had to get past multiple flocks and mobs. Hell, Hanamiya even dragged Hara through a flock of people at one point.

And, after being stopped numerous times, they made it.

Finally, they made it to the rooftop. There, Hanamiya stretched out his arms and breathed fresh air. He’d needed it, after a boring session of scolding bullies. Hanamiya kept forgetting how a soothing, therapeutic place the rooftop could be, which he found quite ironic.

Hara, thought, didn’t say anything, and walked straight up to the railing. There, he leaned forward and crossed his arms, placing them on the railing, hiding his head between them. He sure wasn’t being talkative today.

By looking at him, Hanamiya could tell he wasn’t having a good day. Usually, Hara would’ve brought the five of them to the rooftop, and told them about his weird rhythm games. That, or he would’ve brought his earphones and sat in the same corner as always, playing music.

If Yamazaki were there, he would’ve compared Hara’s moodiness with some manga crap. Except that Yamazaki wasn’t there. He was at the cantine, having lunch and talking with some friends.

For a moment, Hanamiya assumed that was Hara’s issue.

Then, he thought to himself. _“Let’s get serious here. Kazuya can perfectly spend thirty minutes without Yama.”_

He then went back to thinking, and recalled the letter after having forgotten it for hours. Hanamiya wondered whether he truly cared about the letter, or if it was another pursuit like darts could be.

Though recalling the letter sure hit the target. Hanamiya would pat himself in the back for that.

“Captain,” Hara muttered, distracted, looking at the clouds come and go. Hanamiya rose his head at him, his attention on the purple-haired teen. “ _Thank you_.”

_“He thanked me for something which I took a while to realize.”_

But Hanamiya had realized it way sooner. It got way too obvious.

“The bullies?” he cackled, searching for an excuse to keep talking. “It ain’t nothing. They were brats. Still, I was afraid it would escalate and turn into some shit like Iwagawa.”

Hara didn’t turn, or move, or say anything. He kept looking at the clouds as if he were in some sort of competition.

Once again, Hanamiya recalled the letter’s words. How later, at practice, Hara would leave the gymnasium hours before practice ended. His sudden change of mood; from quiet and taciturn to a fearful, infuriated mood. And, finally, how Hara wouldn’t talk to them for a week.

_“This idiot’s moody again,”_ Hanamiya thought to himself, and sighed.

The boys had dealt with Hara’s quick-changing moods before. That was, in fact, one of the letter’s goals, which Hanamiya had figured out all by himself weeks ago. 

They were supposed to find the reason behind that behavior of his. Whatever was wrong with him, if it had a name, was one of the boys’ goals, aside from avoiding his death. And it would all get easier once they found out what kept bothering Hara, and how they could help him.

Unfortunately, and despite his research, Hanamiya couldn’t find it yet. Besides, he felt like it was too early for it.

Though there was one thing which Hanamiya could always do to put Hara’s mind at ease.

“You wanna stay home today?” he asked, breaking a square of dark chocolate. His favorite.

Surprisingly, Hara turned for a moment. And then he went back to himself, to his thoughts and his cloud-viewing and his moodiness. Not that Hanamiya minded any of them. But, at least, he turned.

Hara rose his head and withdrew his arms from the railing, only to grab it back with both hands. “Sure,” he muttered, leaning backwards, making sure he wouldn’t fall.

Hanamiya smirked to himself. “You know you don’t have to come if you’re not in the mood.”

Turning his body, Hara let himself drop, crossing his legs and resting his back on the railing. Hanamiya didn’t think it was that comfortable of a position. 

Hara lowered his head once again. “Yeah, I do,” he complained.

He sure wasn’t being talkative today. Not that Hanamiya minded. Long and challenging arguments felt good, but it was always nice to engage on short conversations as well.

“But, captain,” Hara spoke, louder than before, dragging Hanamiya’s attention again. “Aren’t you pissed at me or something?”

Hanamiya frowned, disconcerted. “What? Why would I be pissed at you?” he brought the small chocolate square to his mouth.

“Well… Lately I’ve been skipping practice a lot. I’m not doing as good as everyone else is. I trip a lot, I fail three-pointers, I keep letting my guard down,” Hara paused and took a deep breath. “I’m one of the team’s best players- a regular. I’m a fucking regular and I do shit at practice. You should be pissed at me, captain.”

Hanamiya took his time to reply. Unlike many other times before, during his past year, he wasn’t pissed at Hara. He knew why he behaved like that. Or at least, he had an idea.

“Maybe I would be pissed if you were doing all of that intentionally,” Hanamiya replied, with a perfectly relaxed face.

Hara paused for a moment, and Hanamiya could tell his words right now had shocked him. He knew Hara wasn’t fucking around.

He _knew_ Hara needed help. Not only with his studies, but his life in general. Hanamiya saw it crumbly; he could tell  Hara wasn’t handling it well. True was that Hara isn’t the kind of person to care about his well-being. 

The problem, though, was that Hara didn’t care at all.

“Because, if you were fucking around, I would’ve known,” Hanamiya continued. “But you’re not. You ain’t skipping practice because you wanna play videogames. You ain’t slacking off because of laziness.”

"I know, captain!” Hara interrupted, rising his voice. “I know I’m not being a pig. I’m aware I have a shitton of problems!”

Yawning, Hanamiya scratched his forehead, looking relieved. "That’s what I wanted to hear,“ he sighed and stepped closer to Hara, then leaning on the railing. "See, idiot, there’s nothing wrong with that. You have problems, and you’ve admitted it. Now you gotta let us in and-”

Hara rose his head, staring at Hanamiya for a moment. “Don’t wanna,” he lowered his head again.

“What?” an intrigued Hanamiya asked.

“They’re my entire fault. Everything that’s happened, and everything that’s happening. It’s all my fault,” he stood up. “You guys shouldn’t have anything to do with them. It would only make things worse for both me and you.”

Hanamiya blinked, and took a moment to ponder. He assumed Hara’s issues were serious enough for him to keep them away from his surroundings. He could guess a lot of things knowing that Hara went to Iwagawa Middle. None of them were good or comforting.

Seeing how Hara blamed himself only increased the chances of one of the problems being an incident at Iwagawa Middle. But Hanamiya didn’t feel like getting there. He’d had enough of incidents dealing with the bullies before.

Besides, dwelling on Hara’s personal life wouldn’t take him anywhere. It would only upset him. And Hanamiya wasn’t the kind of person to just invade someone else’s privacy. Not even when it had a good reason behind it.

Hanamiya sighed. “Alright,” he spoke, crossing his arms. “I won’t bother you about your problems. None of us will. If you wanna keep them secret, that’s up to you,” he paused. “But, listen.”

And Hara turned to him, with a gentle spring’s breeze grazing and moving his hair as if it were dancing. Hanamiya felt his intense, hidden gaze from behind his multiple locks. He liked that look on his face.

“We’re your teammates,” Hanamiya turned to Hara, determined, “and, on top of that, your friends. We’re still gonna try and help you, whether you like it or not. If you wanna keep your problems away from us, that’s cool and all. I can promise we won’t dwell on your life- at least, I won’t. It’s your life, and if you don’t wanna open up for whatever reason, it’s your choice.”

“So,” Hanamiya continued, “skip practice all you want, stay home when you feel like. I won’t complain. But, as long as you’re here, we’re gonna help you.”

Hara didn’t reply. Seconds passed slowly, and multiple breezes grazed both their hair and clothing. The Sun reigned over the skies above, escorting clouds along the clear-blue canvas.

Hanamiya had been unexpectedly dauntless just now. Almost as if he hadn’t been himself. In fact, nothing which he’d said had sounded like his usual rants. He was usually apathetic, reluctant to the other person’s feelings, and often sarcastic. He never cared about whether his words would offend or hurt the person in front of him.

That which he’d just told Hara carried no harmful intentions. It did, however, carry a good intention; making Hara understand that he wasn’t alone. That his friends appreciated and respected him. That they would help him, leaving more secretive worries aside. That they would be there for him.

And Hanamiya knew he’d done right after witnessing Hara’s smile. Small, yet thankful. Hara had heard Hanamiya’s words; and he’d heard them right. 

Hanamiya grinned as well, confident with himself.

“That’s better,” he chuckled, and placed his hands inside his pockets. “Now,” Hanamiya shook his head, “go pester Yama or something. If break ain’t over, that is.”

He felt like he’d done something meaningful just now.

···

Practice was as godawful and exhausting as ever. Hara’s absence changed nothing; neither the schedule, nor the length or the breaks. Hara’s absence did change some things, though. Less orders were cried, and less punishments were given. Less jokes were told, and less pranks were played.

After practice ended, Hanamiya stayed writing schedules as usual. Newer ones were complex and more focused on teamwork, rather than rough play and the team’s usual vicious plays. Of course, they were harder and much puzzling to write.

Minutes passed. Quiet, grim minutes which reminded Hanamiya of his endless duties as a coach. Rather than minutes, they felt like hours; even days or centuries. Hanamiya loved his schedules, but hated them with a passion as well. Those precious minutes which he spent at that hollow place often felt like a waste of time.

But, with a coach who did those same things and saved Hanamiya’s time, he would be pissed. Everything he wanted to do, and all the teams he wanted to break, would be lost. He would have no freedom, other than being the captain and dictating his team around. But he would have no control over them or himself.

Three knocks on the door collapsed those thoughts. Hanamiya, who’d finished two sheets of schedules and had now engulfed on his mind, awoke to those sounds. Enfuriated, he stood up, and stepped towards the door, each step echoing through the building.

He showed nothing, as he already knew who’d knocked.

“Uh, good night, captain,” Yamazaki waved, making his way into the gymnasium before Hanamiya’s gaze. He’d brought nothing with himself but a small paper, supposedly the letter. His letter.

“It’s almost half past nine, idiot,” Hanamiya frowned, half-asleep. “You could’ve just sent me a message.”

Exhausted, Hanamiya guided Yamazaki throughout his office. He’d thought it would be a more proper place to discuss rather than the lockers or the gymnasium itself.

There, they sat around a small table, and Yamazaki looked around as if he’d never seen such a place before. He seemed fascinated by all those papers full of criticism and dirty handwriting.

“What d'you need now?” Hanamiya asked as he leaned forward, crossing his arms. “It’s fucking late. If it’s about the letter, make it quick.”

Yamazaki looked ambivalent for a moment. Then, he spoke, and his words shook Hanamiya like nothing else.

“I… I heard you and Hara at the rooftop.”

Intrigued, Hanamiya rose a hand and rested his chin on it, showing a perplexed look. He could tell, however, that Yamazaki had seen through his façade.

“You did?”

Lowering his head, Yamazaki grumbled. “As much as I hate to admit it,” he rose his voice as each second passed, “you were _amazing_ back then.”

Locking his hands together, Hanamiya closed his eyes and leaned backwards. He wasn’t being himself at all today. His behavior was either scripted, or straight up from a thriller. It just didn’t click.

It was the letters’ fault. They were shaping him into a new person, and he was well-aware of it.

“But,” Yamazaki continued, having lowered his voice.

Hanamiya rose his head, attentive. “But?”

“You… When you spoke with Hara at the rooftop, you knew your words would have consequences, right?”

He nodded. “I did. However, Yama, despite my speech back then, I believe Kazuya will still avoid us next week.”

“Huh?” Yamazaki spoke as he pouted, disturbed.

Hanamiya turned serious. “You think it makes no sense, Yama? You think that my speech will magically heal all of Kazuya’s issues? That my words will have some sort of life-long effect on Kazuya’s mind?”

“W-Well,” Yamazaki sighed as he frowned. Perhaps Hanamiya had been too hard on him. “On a way, I think you… You sort of helped him.”

“Indeed, I helped him. But I didn’t change his thoughts on anything."

"You’re being too pessimistic,” Yamazaki stood up, angered. His eyes burned like his hair. Hanamiya, though, wasn’t amused. “What the fuck, man?”

“Didn’t you hear what Kazuya said at the rooftop?” Hanamiya asked, keeping his tone as quiet and monotone as possible. The opposite of Yamazaki’s.

“He said something about his problems, but,” pouting, Yamazaki sat down, like a child after a tantrum, “what’s your point here?”

“You just said it, you dumbass.”

“What? His _problems_?” Yamazaki asked, disoriented. “That’s what the letter’s trying to do, right? Like, solving Hara’s problems and all.”

“We are, in fact, fixing those, Yama,” Hanamiya leaned forward. “But I’m talking about Kazuya’s true problems. The ones which led our future selves into writing these letters.”

After pausing for a moment, Yamazaki spoke, as if he’d organized his thoughts. “I sort of understand what you’re talking about!” he asserted, dragging a smirk from Hanamiya. “So, like, we’re helping Hara with his smaller problems, while trying to find the root to them?”

Pointing at him, Hanamiya snorted. “I knew you weren’t that much of an idiot.”

“But,” Yamazaki crossed his arms, “do we have a clue of what could they be?”

“No, and that’s our main issue here. It’s nothing like when someone breaks an arm, and you can tell they’ve broken their arm. Kazuya’s issues are psychological. You would say they’re on his brain, but they do affect his physiology and life in general.”

Yamazaki scowled, all confused. “His what!?”

Sighing, Hanamiya spoke. “Kazuya’s depressed. Idiots like you believe depression lives in someone’s brain and makes them sad every once in a while. But depression does affect his life in more ways than you think.”

“You mean, like, next week? When Hara’s supposedly gonna avoid us? Does that have to do with depression?”

“I’m not a fucking expert on this, Yama, and you know,” Hanamiya complained as he scratched his neck. “That’s more linked to his true problems rather than minimal issues. He won’t avoid us because of laziness, which is something we’ve all done. For some people, it’s an habit.”

“Yeah, like… When someone messages me and I take a while to answer them 'cause I can’t bring my ass to type.”

“That’s laziness,” Hanamiya grinned, keeping a cackle to himself. “But Kazuya won’t be avoiding us due to laziness. Which is ironic knowing how indolent he can be.”

“So, like, lemme get this,” Yamazaki articulated. “Hara’s gonna avoid us for an entire week. He won’t talk to us, or send us shitty memes or anything. He’s gonna completely ignore us because of something big that happened to him. Is he?”

Hanamiya nodded at him, and stood up. “He is. That’s a nice explanation considering the kind of person you are.”

Yamazaki huffed, annoyed, and Hanamiya could tell exactly what he was thinking. He was so easy to read Hanamiya found it laughable.

“So, aside from doing insignificant chores, the letter-” Yamazaki stood up as well, as if he wanted to leave. “It also wants us to figure out what happened to Hara?”

“Yeah,” Hanamiya unlocked the door to the gymnasium. “But you heard him at the roof. Kazuya won’t give away his problems by just asking. And we’re sure as hell not pestering him,” the both of them joined the gymnasium. Hanamiya closed the door to the office as Yamazaki turned on the lights, and kept speaking. “Not only would it fail, but it would also cause Kazuya to distance himself from us.”

Bewildered, Yamazaki stared at him. “You… You sure have researched a lot.”

“I may have researched a _bit_ ,” Hanamiya mouthed, looking at his phone. “And I should go home. Mom’s probably getting anxious over me being so damn late.”

After he opened the main door, Yamazaki grabbed his arm, with Hanamiya feeling each one of his fingers against his bare skin. His touch was robust. It annoyed Hanamiya.

“Ah, yeah! I’ve been meaning to ask something!” Yamazaki shouted. Hanamiya chose to give him a couple seconds in order to ask whatever dumb question he had.

“What?” Hanamiya groaned.

“Your mother… Does she, well, know about you being a guy?”

“Yeah, she does,” Hanamiya nodded, still not amused. Yamazaki’s question had, however, bothered him a bit. “She’s even cool with it.”

“That’s, well, amazing,” Yamazaki said, apathetic, and left the building, his figure turning darker with each step.

Hanamiya rose an eyebrow, already knowing what was going on with him. “What? Can’t tell your parents you’re gay?”

Lowering his head, Yamazaki complained. “It’s hard when your dad’s like, one of those strict, classical-like parents. Like, I feel guilty telling him Hara and I are just friends.”

After turning off the lights and leaving the building, Hanamiya closed the door behind them. “But you know how it is with most parents here. You know damn well this place ain’t the west.”

“I fucking know!” Yamazaki shook his head. “I just, like, wish I could tell someone that wasn’t any of you, or my other friends. Like, someone I could tell I, well, love Hara and all.”

“You have siblings, dumbass.”

“Yeah, I could tell Mikoto, 'cause he’s got the empathy of a washing machine,” Yamazaki complained. “But I dunno about my sis. She… Well, let’s say she enjoys _mocking_ me.”

“Just fucking tell them, Yama. Even if they’re shocked, they’ll understand later. Don’t you think mom was alright when I came out.”

“That’s… Sort of comforting, but, I’m still not convinced.”

Hanamiya frowned again. “I’m not telling you to come out as soon as you get home. You gotta think about it. Give it some time. Just don’t fucking rush it.”

And, without saying anything, Yamazaki left him alone under the dark, mournful night sky. It seemed like he’d endured more than he could.

Crossing his arms, Hanamiya chuckled and shook his shoulders.

_“You’re actually smarter than you think, Hiroshi.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, we're back at it with Yamazaki's Bizarre Adventure. Next chapter, the plot slows down again. In a couple chapters, there'll be a big, big event. Just wait for it. I have things all sorted out.
> 
> I thought of editing this, but I didn't want to rewrite and delete and research stronger words until fucking 3AM. If you notice any mistakes, make sure to tell me and I'll fix them!
> 
> By the way, lorazepam's great for sleeping. Sleeping and dissociating before falling asleep. Kudos to it.


	12. Another announcement?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm still alive.

First of all, apologies for this terrible hiatus. I had some issues going on, particularly a wrist drop which stopped me from writing for quite a while.

These two months without writing, which I broke yesterday, have been amazing for both my health and this fic. I now want to know what to do with this fic. 

It's gonna sound a bit weird, but I want BDC to be the longest fic within the KnB fandom, for which it must surpass 600k words. How am I gonna do this? Character development. Tons of development. Not only for Yamazaki or Hanamiya, but all of them. This might include Matsumoto.

Updates will be slow, and I apologize for that as well. But I can promise I'll put all my love and effort to make this my best fic so far, and hopefully the best KD fic within the (western) fandom.

Have a nice day!


	13. So that's it.

So yeah, I've decided I'm dropping this fic. This is by no means attention seeking, it's me being honest with myself and all readers, if any.

It's been a terribly fun ride. BDC had so much potential and I actually had thought of the ending and most of the fic itself. But, seeing how I have ignored this thing for almost 5 months, I've sort of lost all motivation to write and kinda gotten bored of it.

Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> As always, tell me if I've made any grammar mistakes and feel free to leave a comment if you liked it! ^^


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